Next week I go to court for Ava and Ethan and I’m currently working on my court report. How can I recommend to the court what is in the best interest of these children? I have so much information from people who obviously love the kids but most of it is unbelievably conflicting. Statements are made by the aunt that contradict things she has said earlier. And then I start to question if my memory serves me correctly or perhaps I misunderstood or “misheard” what she said before. But I feel so certain that I did not misunderstand.
Ava just turned 5 years old and from what I gather she has been passed around between 3-4 relatives for her entire life. It’s hard to sort through all of the lies. For example:
Father says: She lived with me only until she was 2 (when he went to jail for 2 years) at which time she stayed with the aunt. When I got out she lived with me again (Ava was 4) but my family would help out. The aunt might keep her for a week or so so I could work and she’d go spend weekends with the Godparents sometimes. Then my mother would also have her somtimes to help out. But she lived with me and was with me most of the time.
okay, so it sounds like he has a lot of support, right? But how often was Ava “staying” with someone else? Are we talking about once a month or every other week she was gone?
The aunt says: She lived with the Father until he was incarcerated at which time she moved around between me, the grandma and the Godparents. I might have her for a week or so and then Grandma might have her a week or so. We all kept her. We all had her. When she went to the Father I’d still keep her so he could work. Me: so you might have her for a few days here and there? the aunt: I’d pick her up for a week or so so he could work and she spent a lot of weekends with the Godparents. Grandma would also get her for a week or so. Me: so once the Father was released, Ava still pretty much moved around from home to home? The aunt: No, she lived with the Father.
okay, but it really sounds like she was still passed around on a regular basis. And what kind of work was the Father doing? There is no evidence of employment for many, many years.
The Godparents say: She has always lived with us. From when she was an infant until the time she went into care. She’s always been with us. Ask our family, our friends, the neighborhood. She calls the Godmother ‘mama’. She might spend the day with the Father so we could work but she slept her unless she was spending the weekend with the aunt or grandmother. Godfather: “I’ve never used drugs, I just sold them for a while” [in response to being asked about his criminal history]. The Godfather also talks about the horrible conditions the Father lived in and how when Ava was with him the aunt did not intervene even though she saw those awful conditions. Me: So when did Ava live with the Father? Godfather: oh, uh, well she has always lived with us but maybe she lived with him for a couple of weeks after he got out of jail but then he gave her back to us. Said it was best that way.
Keep in mind that Godmother already told me she would drop Ava off at the Father’s while she worked during the day. Godfather tells me about the awful conditions where he lived and was upset the Aunt did not intervene. If it was that awful (and I believe it was) then why in the world would they leave Ava there for a day? This makes no sense to me. And really, does being a drug dealer as opposed to a drug user make you a safer option for this young girl?
the Grandmother says: mostly she says the same as the aunt but she also states, “Ava really never had a home or one place where she lived. We all took care of Ava. She was always with the family. We took turns having her and taking care of her. A week here, a week there. Ava did live with the Father for the first 2 years and some after his release. But we all still helped out. The aunt would still pick her up or I would and she spent most weekends with the Godparents. Me: so maybe once a month or so she would go and stay for a week with one of you? Grandmother: oh no, at least 2 times a month, sometimes more. Me: so at least twice a month she would spend a week or so with a relative and stay most weekends with the Godparents. Grandmother: yes, that’s right. Me: but she LIVED with the father? Grandma: yes. right.
Is it just me or does it sound like Ava didn’t live anywhere? If there are 4 weeks in a month and two of those were spent elsewhere… and weekends were spent elsewhere…. does that mean she really lived with the father? Even in a 5 week month, it just doesn’t sound like she had any kind of permanency.
But does that mean the aunt shouldn’t have permanent custody? It may not be an ideal situation and I may think it is awful and damaging for her to not have a permanent home but my opinion doesn’t matter. I think that is one of the hardest things about all of this – the decision has to be made based on her safety, both physical and emotional. Just because I think it is awful for her to bounce around and not have a family want her full time doesn’t mean it isn’t in her best interest to remain with the family if they can keep her safe.
It’s certainly nice to know that although I make recommendations (with the support of my coordinator), I don’t actually make the decisions.
Sigh. For now I just hope we are given more time to wade through the information and make the best possible recommendation. All I can ask for in court is to be given that extra time and I know that will happen because of other things happening.
Mathew sees the Christmas tree
Posted December 3rd, 2009 at 12:15 pm. Add a comment
It’s so fun to watch his reaction to Christmas decorations and especially the tree. Here he is seeing it for the first time yesterday when we put it up:
Procrastinators Anonymous
Posted December 1st, 2009 at 6:12 am. 1 comment
Hello. My name is Ebenezer and I am a procrastinator. I want to tell you my story but I think I’ll wait until next week’s meeting.
I’ve finally found the root of my writer’s block. It’s not inspiration or motivation. It’s not lack of something to say – let’s face it, NOT having something to say has NEVER been an issue for me. It’s procrastination. I keep putting it off.
Today I was thinking about all of the things on my “to do list” I’ve been putting off. I decided to make a list in hopes of actually crossing something off but then decided to do it later. Seriously. I swear. I even laughed at myself as I closed my laptop and moved on to something else.
I have lots more to say and lots I want to write about.
Maybe tomorrow?
back by unpopular demand
Posted November 22nd, 2009 at 12:14 am. 1 comment
So I got an email from a friend the other day asking me why the posting stopped. I can sum that up in two words:
I’m lazy.
or maybe:
I’m busy.
or maybe:
I’m uninspired.
or maybe:
…. nope. I’m just lazy.
It’s sad how many times a week I file away a thought or story I want to write about. If only I could find the key to unlock that filing cabinet in my brain. By the time I get to have some “alone time” with my laptop. Oh dear. Did I really just say, “alone time” followed by “with my laptop”? I really need to get out more. Anyway, I’m usually just too tired to make any sense. Take this post as an example.
Probability of adopting an infant through foster care
Posted November 22nd, 2009 at 12:08 am. 3 comments
Sometimes I wish I could send an email to a person based on how they got to my blog. I can see the search engine terms used to get here but I’d often like to know who stopped by. Okay. that sounds wierd.
Yesterday, someone landed here by searching for “probability of adopting an infant through foster care”. I’d really like to correspond with this person. I guess it doesn’t really matter because my story is here for anyone who stumbles across it and chooses to read through the archives. Sometimes that just isn’t enough.
I guess the stalker in me just needs something to do. There are a few significant people God put in our lives to serve as our encouragers through the whole foster-to-adopt thing and I jump at every chance I get to encourage someone else. It is just like infertility. You can’t help but want to reach out to someone who is living in a hell you have already survived.
So whoever you are, if you ever come back, hang in there. Expect a miracle….
Saying Grace in ‘Redneck’?
Posted October 30th, 2009 at 3:02 am. 1 comment
My favorite thing about blog stats is reading what a person searched for to get to my site. For example, I see “Ebenezer” regularly and then random things that I must have mentioned somewhere. I used to get a lot of poo related searches….don’t know why. 
That reminds me. I haven’t posted about poo in a long time now. But don’t worry, Mathew will be potty training in another year or so… 
Today, someone stumbled across the world wide web and landed on my little slice by googling “how to say Grace in Redneck”.
What does that say about me?
Bizarre-o
Posted October 29th, 2009 at 11:25 pm. Add a comment
So remember that post yesterday about feeling so sick for foster mom? I really was feeling just horrible… that sinking feeling in your gut?
Surely this isn’t the case but I kinda get the feeling that I may have been more upset about it than she is. I know that sounds crazy but… I don’t know. The conversation I had with her was not at all what I expected. Not at all.
There’s always more to the story isn’t there? Guess I’ll never know.
Empty Arms
Posted October 28th, 2009 at 10:33 pm. 1 comment
Ava and Ethan will be moving to a family member’s home on Friday. Pray for Foster mom who will have to make peace with that decision and will suffer a great loss. Pray that if my phone rings God will give me the right words. I can’t share all the facts with her but I want to show compassion.
Imagine bringing and infant home from the hospital and caring for him day in and day out for 2 months. Imagine bringing a 5 year old into your home and heart and for two months meeting all of her needs. Working with her to resolve and improve difficult behaviors. Seeing progress. Falling in love. And then they’re gone.
Will that home follow up with what you’ve been doing to help Ava? Will they know what each cry from Ethan means? When he’s hungry or tired? Will he wonder where I am and why I’m not with him? Will Ava regress because of another change? Will they be in contact with their abusers since they are family? Ugh.
Foster care is not for the faint of heart. Foster to Adopt is especially not for the faint of heart. One has to have faith and believe that for whatever amount of time you love those children, you make a difference in their lives. You have to believe that God will carry you through it and that what He has planned for you is better than what you want right now. You have to believe that while you are heartbroken and your spirit is crushed that the best interest of the kids are being met.
Because at the end of the day it’s not about you or your pain. It’s about the kids.
Perhaps you are wondering why anyone hoping to adopt would put themselves through that. Scroll up and you’ll find my answer…..
My article.
Posted October 27th, 2009 at 7:18 pm. 3 comments
A couple of months ago I was asked to write an article for Adoptive Famlies magazine about adopting infants/toddlers through the foster care system. Below is an edited version of what is in the magazine. After I submitted my article, they edited it. For this post I re-edited it to include more of the story rather than just the facts (the names were not changed in the actual artical, just here):
My husband and I spent 3 1/2 years in the foggy defeat of infertility before deciding to pursue adoption. and felt as though the sun was once again shining. We held on to a promise God put on our hearts from the very beginning that comes from Jeremiah 29:11 “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’” We were ready to embrace that future and felt like the sun was shining again. We just had no idea where to start.
Two weeks later a call from my friend Christy changed everything.
A child I called Grace was in foster care and although her foster family loved her dearly, they were not in a position to adopt another child. We wanted more information. Throughout the next week God kept tugging my heart to call a lady I knew of who had adopted nine foster children. I kept telling myself to be patient – even when the stranger who installed our pool net that week asked if I knew “this lady in the back of your neighborhood who has ten kids….” What are the chances, I thought.Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Grace’s foster mom was the lady God had been pointing me towards all week. I knew at that exact moment we were right where God wanted us to be and was more certain than ever that Grace had entered our lives. Our story is not about the child I called Grace but about God’s Grace – the way God led us to our children. We never looked into any other means of adopting; for us, foster care was the only path.
While we recognized the overwhelming need to find homes for older children, we chose to pursue infant/toddler adoption despite being told countless times that there were none. After 12 weeks of bi-weekly training, hours of interviews and months of anticipation, I was told that our agency would not work with us unless we would consider a child up to age 7. It was a hard hit in the gut because we were not ready to parent a child this age.
Grace’s foster mom helped us navigate the treacherous system by reminding us to read between the lines. Although the focus was on older child adoption, statistics showed the vast majority of children placed for adoption (through our nonprofit foster care agency) were under age 3. Afraid to rock the proverbial boat, we smiled and nodded and agreed to consider anything. It made me feel like I should be ashamed for wanting to adopt an infant or toddler instead of a kid.
There are three options for adopting through foster care: Straight adoption, Legal Risk adoption, and Foster to adopt. Straight adoption involved only children who were legally free for adoption at the time of placement. “Legal Risk” involved children for whom termination of parental rights was imminent. In Foster to adopt, children would be placed with us if caseworkers felt there was a high probability for adoption but there were no guarantees. We would face the painful prospect of parenting a child whom we might not ultimately adopt. The fear of that heartache pushed us towards safer options.
But after our training was completed, we learned that our agency routinely turned away opportunities to place infants because there weren’t enough people willing to take babies for foster care. We decided to put our hearts on the line and opened our home to accept “foster to adopt” placements. We stepped out in faith and trusted God to prepare our hearts for whatever came our way.
About eight months after starting our foster parent training, we became the proud parents (legally we were the foster parents) of siblings: an incredibly active 22 month old boy, Carter, and a 1 ½ week old baby girl, Gracey. Despite the joy and excitement of becoming parents, there was a nagging fear that we wouldn’t become a forever family. From the moment I got that phone call, they weren’t just cases or foster kids – they were the children who had been growing in my heart and I loved them fiercely.
For the next four months, we fulfilled the most difficult part of the foster to adopt process – required weekly visits with the birth family. I took my babies to a dingy office where I had to hand them over to birthparents, who often appeared to be high. From the beginning, it was clear that there was little chance of their making the necessary changes to avoid termination of parental rights. What surprised me most about this process was the conflicting emotions of joy and anger. On one hand I was thrilled to be one step closer to that piece of paper that made us legally a family. But on the other hand I was angry because they did nothing to fight for my precious children.
It was then I discovered the worst thing about fostering-to-adopt. It’s not the fear that they will leave your arms to live with another family or distant relatives. Or that they will reunite with birth parents who worked hard to get their lives together. The fear that my babies could be returned their abusers when circumstances had not changed was crippling. If that thought had occurred earlier in the process I’m not sure I could have gone through with it.
Our story has a happy ending. We finalized our adoption of Carter and Gracey in February of 2007 and we brought their biological baby brother, Mathew, home in June of 2008 when he was a week old. They are healthy, happy kids who are thriving and we would do it all over again for just the chance to be their parents.
Both Carter and Gracey understand that they all grew in the same tummy. We have been as open and honest as is age appropriate. We don’t want there to be any big surprises when they are older so they know that although their “first mommy and daddy” love them very much, they made bad choices and were not able to take care of them. We are blessed to see the paternal grandparents regularly and we have very limited contact with their birthmother.
God does indeed have a plan for our lives; I hate to think of what we may have missed if we hadn’t been willing to follow it.
Desperate or Delusional?
Posted October 27th, 2009 at 6:37 am. 1 comment
That’s the question everyone’s asking about Ava and Ethan’s foster mom. The caseworkers think she’s nuts and has just gone way overboard. My own coordinator even got snippy about how foster mom shouldn’t even be thinking in terms of adoption because the kids aren’t technically on a “non-relative adoption” plan. Foster mom wants to know everything that’s going on – “what happened at court?… what is the status of this family member’s homestudy?…. why did the caseworker do this or that?”
I can hear the faint screaming of hysteria in her voice. The irrational rants about why Ava and Ethan shouldn’t go here or there or with that family member, etc… She’s not able to see why another option – an option that isn’t her home – might be better for the kids. Especially for Ava. And when the caseworker says, “….she’s JUST the caregiver..” and she needs to realize there are some things I don’t have to tell her…. I cringe right down to my very core.
I know that Foster Mom is both desperate and delusional. She’s desperate for a forever family and desperate to keep these children in arms and not just in her heart. She’s delusional because she’s convinced that no one else will be good for them.. that she has to be the mom or the kids will surely die. (so that’s exaggerating a bit) And the thing is, I get it.
I recognize that delusion, that desperation … I recognize my own fears from the first few months after Carter and Gracey came home to us. I ache for this woman who brought this infant home from the hospital and has cared for him day and night for two months. I ache for the mom who has dealt with difficult behaviors from a hurting 5 year old and who wants to protect her forever. I ache because all of her fears are justified.
Her arms will likely be empty very soon. Any day now she will get that call and it makes me sick to think of the pain it will cause her. I’m grateful I’m not the one who will make that call. Grateful I won’t be there when the children are taken from her. Grateful mine were never taken from me.
A good foster parent will not just be a ‘caregiver’ to the children in her home. She will love them fiercely and love them as if they were hers forever. She will lay down her heart for them, knowing it may get trampled on when all is said and done. But she’ll do it again and again and again because her heart is strong and her desire is great. And her love IS fierce.
It does appear that foster mom may be crossing a line or two but I’d like to see that met with compassion rather than contempt. I’d like to see the caseworkers understand where she is coming from and acknowledge what she’s invested in these children. Just have a little compassion.
It’s bad enough that we ‘infertiles’ are portrayed as baby snatchers in every Lifetime movie – it is ALWAYS the barren woman who cuts the baby from a woman’s uterus. ALWAYS!!!! Yes, we are infertile. Yes, we are desperate for a family. Yes, we want to snatch babies. But most of us don’t.
She’s been fostering for more than two years and is still waiting for her happy ending.
I can’t write that without thanking God, again, for the three miracles who came to me so easily. Ha! It didn’t seem easy at the time but it was a short wait and we never had to experience the pain of a miscarriage. I’ll always be grateful for His Grace.
God is good, friends. God is good.