God is so good.
I want to share something with you that comes from the very bottom of my heart. I don’t want to get pregnant. There, I said it. AFter 3 1/2 years of trying desparately to get pregnant, I can tell you honestly that I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I am so HAPPY to be adopting that I can’t imagine having a baby any other way. I know it’s hard to believe and even harder to understand, but it is my truth. It is a testament to God’s Grace and nothing else.
Many people have said to me, “well, now that you’re adopting…….you’ll probably get pregnant!” What I don’t think you understand is that I really, truly do not wish that to happen. If it were to happen, it would show us all that God does have a sense of humor! But it isn’t what I desire. I tell you the Truth, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. Throughout our struggle with infertility, we prayed for God’s will. We prayed first what He has for us and we prayed the He would help us not to settle for anything less.
Some of you may have heard me say, “I only want what God has for me. EVEN if that means I don’t have a baby….I know that God’s plan is better than my plan.” I feel like I repeated it like a broken record. But those were not just words, they came from my heart and I believed them. I’ll admit that I prayed those words with tears streaming down my face on many occasions, but I meant them. And God has changed the desire of my heart. I know, now more than ever, that what He has for me is far better than anything I could ever want for myself. Praise God for that blessing!
On Sunday, our sermon was on “fighting the good fight”. You know, putting on the belt of Truth, the shield of Faith, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of Salvation, the feet of Readiness?? (i think) and the sword of the Word. Very close to that if not it exactly - my apologies to any Bible scholars who might be reading this! 
Anyway, I feel like that is exactly what we are doing right now. We are fighting for our children.
I say “fighting” because sometimes i feel like there are one thousand reasons why we should not move forward in this process. It’s scary and very uncertain. And it seems that just when I’m at my weakest, someone feels it necessary to “share” a story with me about some horrific experience someone they know had when adopting. (i mean, really, when you find out a woman is pregnant do you tell her about every woman you know who has had a miscarriage?) We’re fighting the fear and the uncertainty….the unknown.
Here’s our biggest fear: that we will have a baby placed with us and he/she will not become eligible for adoption and will eventually leave our arms. This is not only a possibility but a very real likelihood. I know that we cannot even imagine the pain that would cause us - but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is BIG enough to get us through it. I trust Him enough to carry us when we can’t stand on our own. We have to remember that when a baby goes home to his/her birthmother, it means another family has survived. We have to trust that God is doing something in her life that we may not be able to see. We have to know that we are blessed to part of God’s plan.
God is so good. Have you met Him? I mean, have you ever really met Him? Come face to face with Jesus? He is dying to meet you. You don’t have to change who you are or “clean up your act” to meet with Jesus. The cool thing about Him is that He meets you right where you are. Romans 10:9 says, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” He is the fullness that fills all the empty spaces in my heart.
P.S. we are going to be parents. It seems so close yet so unbelievable! There is a crib setup in our house. I can’t believe that. Sometimes I go in the nursery and touch it jsut to be sure….
Don’t stop the Comments! Keep ‘em coming!
