My Ebenezer

The hardest thing for me to do is to pray for Speedy and Princess’s bio parents. I pray that God protects Speedy and Princess’s future; that He brings people into their lives to teach them about His love; that He guards their hearts and minds; and that He keeps them with us forever. In the same breath, I try to pray for bio mom and bio dad.

It is so hard to be sincere when I ask God to bless them. When I ask God to help them turn their lives around. Half the time, I end up praying that God would give me a sincere heart and help me to really mean it when I ask Him to help them. But what does it mean to be a Christian? Am I able to live what I believe, even when it scares me to death? Even when it could mean that my heart gets crushed?

God’s grace is available to everyone. Aren’t we called to pray for unbelievers? Should bio mom and bio dad be excluded from that so that I can get what I want? I don’t think that’s what Jesus had in mind. But I gotta tell you, it’s hard. It’s hard to ask God to help them turn their lives around because if they turn their lives around, mine could be turned upside down. It’s hard to pray that they learn of God’s love and begin to believe in His saving power. If they start believing, then they might start making better choices, living better and become capable of taking care of Speedy and Princess.

And that scares me to death. But still I pray because it’s the only thing I know to do. Because it’s what I believe and I can’t keep talking about what I believe if I’m not willing to live it. God knows my heart. He knows how much we want to keep Speedy and Princess. But He also knows that we want what is best for them. We want His will for Speedy and Princess, even if that means they don’t become our forever children. We’ve prayed for His will for us throughout this process and now we have to trust God with our hearts - our Speedy and our Princess - and pray for His will for their lives as well.

I wondered before we got kids how having them would affect my relationship with God. It has taught me a lot about God’s love for me, but it has also taught me how much harder it can be to really trust God when you have kids. I mean, it’s one thing for me to believe God for my own life…..but can I trust Him with my kids? I can. I will. I have to.

Afterall, Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you [Speedy and Princess],’ says the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’”

Your will, Lord. Not mine. No matter what.

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