My Ebenezer

still here just sick. Bleh. Speedy loves to share with his mommy.

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There is much to tell and little time as I am getting very sleepy and still need to give Princess her last bottle for the night. God answers prayer. That about sums up the last few days but I'll expand so you will also know how your prayers have been answered as you have faithfully prayed for us.

You may remember my concerns about the bio grandparents getting the okay for Speedy to have overnight visits. As a reminder, I am not concerned about Speedy spending this time with his grandparents - I'm very excited about that, actually. But I was concerned about whether or not the bio parents would be allowed to visit during that time and whether or not Princess would be going for overnights as well.

I got to speak with the bio granparents (I need to give them names because they will be around forever and they are truly wonderful people), and I was reassured again about them wanting what is best for Speedy and Princess. What made me feel so much better was knowing that they will not be allowing bio parents to visit, even if CPS says it is okay. I don't want to go through all of the details, but I continue to believe with all my heart that they only want what is best for Speedy and Princess. They want to ease in to overnight visits with Speedy so as not to confuse him and they understand that Princess is too little and I'm not comfortable with her going for overnight visits just yet - even though CPS could give them the opportunity even though we don't want it.

I guess one of my fears was that because they are very eager to spend more time with Speedy and Princess, that what we want might get overlooked. I no longer worry at all about that happening. We were also given permission by CPS to share out contact information with them!!! I'm so happy about this because now I can have Speedy talk on the phone to his Granny and they can even come to our house to visit the kids. It has just opened the door a little wider for us to establish a good relationship with them.

When we first found out about Speedy and Princess we could hardly believe it was true. We just didn't think it could get ANY better…..but now it has. We can offer them a relationship with their biological grandparents and that will be priceless. I already have some photos of Speedy from when he was a baby, still in the hospital even. Not many kids that go through the foster care system can say that.

On top of everything else. a blanket somehow made its way to my house. A blanket that traveled with Speedy to at least his first foster home and I am assuming to his second one also. After his bio granny sent me a photo of him as a baby tonight, I realized that this is the same blanket that his biological great granny made for him when he was born. Priceless. Absolutely Priceless.

Thanks, God.

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As you may remember, Time Warner SUCKS! Today, I fired them. WOO HOO!
When I called to cancel my service, they asked why I wanted to cancel. You know what my response was……and I quote, "Because Time Warner sucks!" They didn't ask me too many more questions. Though they did tell me that if I want THEIR equipment picked up (instead of me dropping it off) then they would be here on June 3 anytime from 8am to 8pm and someone had to be here to sign for the equipment being returned. WHAT?

I laughed. I said, "If I am not home, your equipment will be on the front porch." The guy told me that I had to be here. I said, "I'm not sure what part of this you don't understand. This is YOUR equipment. If you want it back, come and get it. I will not wait 12 hours for you to show up. If I leave it will be on the front porch. I've just canceled my service with you. This equipment is no longer my responsibility."

He again told me I needed to be here so I finally said, as nicely as I could, "Look, mister, this is not up for negotiation. I will not waste another second on a company that provides sub-par customer service. Cancel my service effective immediately and come get your equipment."

He finally said okay and that if the equipment was lost or stolen I'd have to pay for it blah blah blah blah blah. Whatever. I never want to hear the words Time Warner again.

By the way, the satellite service we'll be getting is about half the cost of the cable, and that includes local tv channels and DVR. You should check it out - fire Time Warner!

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I'm totally showing off my beautiful babies!

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Okay, so I know not everyone will like the adorable bows I got for Princess….but you have to admit the pictures are adorable!

She did okay with the smaller ones, but when I upgraded to the bigger bow, she absolutely protested! and who could blame her? That one is too big even by my standards!

But I think she'll grow into it. She started to come around pretty quickly:

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I went to a little boutique type store to find some bows for Princess this morning. I've been DYING to put bows on her head but have yet to find the little headband and attaching bows I want. I'm not talking about little bitty tiny cutsy bows, I'm talking the big, 1/4 the size of her head bows. Yes, mom, I know you won't like it but I'm going to do it anyway. (sure it's not the first time you've heard that, right? ha ha ha)

Anyway, I went to this little uppety boutique type store my cousin told me about and they didn't have a headband small enough for my little Princess. I settled for some little bitty bows instead (but will find the big ones later) and she explained to me how to attach them to her peach fuzz covered head. AND I QUOTE, "just put a little drop of K-Y on her head then then put the bow on top of it. It will dry and the bow will stick and then you can remove it with a little bit of warm water." I just looked at her and said, "hmmmm…really? K-Y? Who would've thought."

She didn't seem to get why I thought it was so unusual and again said that although the directions say to use hair gel, the lady who makes them swears that K-Y works much better. "okay," I said.

As I was driving away, I thought, "I wonder if she meant Kayro (as in the syrup) instead of K-Y (as in the lubricant)." Surely she meant Kayro. I wonder how many people she has told to put K-Y on their baby's heads. That's just not right.

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I'm going to lose some of you on this post. I know that even before I write it but I don't care - I have to write it. I feel so compelled to write it because it got me out of bed tonight. All day I've had this nasty, sinking, gut-wrenching ball of ickiness in the pit of my stomach - called worry. Worry about Speedy and Princess and our future together, worry about when/if Speedy has overnight visits with bio gprnts, worry, worry, worry, worry.

Phil 4:6-7 says, 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. NKJV

I try not to worry. I have given this to God so many times…….but it keeps sneaking back up on me; inching its way into my mind, my heart, my thoughts and my actions. It gets to a point where I feel absolutely desperate….there is no other word to describe the helplessness, the anxiety, the feeling of having no control. Just plain desperate to hold on to these babies.

And then God whispers. He calls me to draw nearer to Him, to find shelter from the storm that is quickly stirring in my heart. He gives me glimpses of His Truth. He reminds me to listen to His voice of Truth.

I think that right now the biggest hold Satan has on me is my fear of losing these kids. Yes, I believe in Satan. I believe he takes every opportunity to torture us (us being Christians…and that's not to say he doesn't torture non-christians). He especially likes to kick us when we're down and I REALLY hate that. What I hate most is how easily I succomb to his little "suggestions". The suggestion that comes into my mind via another person's words, a caseworker's comments, a stanger's ridiculous reminder that I am JUST a foster parent, questions about the case, etc…etc…etc…

I got out of bed tonight because I was uncomfortable. I wandered in to check my email, decided to blog but first wanted to read my Bible. I needed to hear something from God. I needed to draw closer to Him to settle the sea that was beginning to rage in my heart. After a few games of, "I'm feeling Psalms…..chapter…..bleh bleh bleh" (does that EVER work? Why do we do it?) I finally returned to the chapter in James that my Bible study group should be reading this week. James chapter 4.

And this is what I found:  James 4:7-10 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. NKJV

and because I like the paraphrased version so much, here it is again, starting with verse 4 this time) in words that are sometimes easier to understand:

James 4:4-10 4 You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. 5 And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." 6 And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble." 7 So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. 8 Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. 9 Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. 10 Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet. (from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)

I LOVE the way verse 10 reads in the contemporary language. "Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." Many people ask me how I am able to do this. (foster to adopt) How am I able to take these precious little ones in and give them everything I have without knowing if I'll be able to keep them forever? Verse 10 is my answer.

Alright, if you have stayed with me this long, then you deserve to hear the rest. As I got to verse 7 in the contemporary language "…..yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper….…" I just closed my eyes and silently prayed and said, "Get thee behind me Satan" and asked God to draw nearer to me, I surrendered (again) my plan to God's plan and told Him that He was ENOUGH for me. His will, not mine. As I opened my eyes to look back at my computer screen (i read my bible on my computer), my monitor flashed and there was one of my favorite pictures of Speedy's beautiful face. Before you think I've gone completely nuts, it was my screensaver. "Just happened" to kick in at that exact moment - I call that a God-smile.

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Stop by Sunshine's blog and see how beautiful her finalized forever family is! Congratulations!

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I've heard people say that Mommies don't get sick. They are wrong or they lied. This mommy is definitely sick now.

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Do they really grow THIS fast? Can you believe that in four short months, Princess has gone from this:

to this:

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