My Ebenezer

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The good news is that Carter doesn't seem to be throwing up anymore; not since this morning. Well, that isn't entirely true. He is definitely vomitting, just not through his mouth! Not a good time to realize one of my errands for today was to pick up more diapers for Carter. we are getting dangerously close to disastrous.

Oh, and the little Gracey is puking now too.

"It's a happy day….and I thank God for the weather.  It's a happy day, and I'm living it for my Lord…..it's a happy day, and THINGS ARE GONNA GET BETTER. Livin' each day on the promises of God's word."

I don't like throw up. Just thinking about puke makes me want to hurl. I don't like my own throw up or anyone else's for that matter. I dislike it so much, that as far as I can remember I have only thrown up a handful of times in my life. Which is amazing considering my gag reflex.

Anyway, people have always told me that when we have kids, it will "be different" when they are sick. The vomit won't bother me as much ……. you "do what you have to do"….. Well, people LIE. I almost puked TWICE at four am this morning when I was inspecting Carter's stuffed animals for puke. I was doing okay until I saw a freakin' carrot on the big dog's nose. The little green pea I found on Winnie the Pooh didn't please me either. THANK GOD I put a towel over my shoulder before I picked him up because not long after I did, he puked on my shoulder. Which is right next to my ear and I'm not sure which is worse.

Then it was time for daddy to wake up. As I'm trying to clean the vomit off Carter's face, I had him standing on the bathroom counter with a towel wiping him down. He started to puke again and my first thought was not, "poor baby….." or "I should pick him up because he's scared…" or even as he was reaching for me to hold him (while still gagging) did I think, "sweet little boy needs his mommy…" All I could think of was different ways to avoid getting puked on. That's it. As I held him arm's length away with a towel covering my arm.

The Mother of the Year award is all mine now.

Okay, I should add that after he seemed to stop the vomitting, I did put him in bed with me and cuddle up with him. (after putting a few towels on the bed) And I only moved him off of my pillow once when his sweet little face was no longer on the towel. Oh, AND (and I should REALLY get some credit for this) I let him put his head on my arm and only prayed once that he wouldn't puke on it.

3 hours of sleep. A puking 2 year old with no concept of not getting puke all over everything. And a 3 1/2 month old who has already had one NASTY diaper and one nasty vomit herself. Let's hope that is a coincidence.

It's gonna be a long day.

Why is it that when one kid sleeps, the other refuses to do so? And just about when sleeping child should start to wake, wakeful child decides to sleep.

Actually, it isn't all that bad because it gives me time alone with each of them, but I do enjoy having an hour or so to myself in the afternoon, too. Oh well. Such is life, right?

And what is with my little monster? I think I'm going to change her name from Gracey to Monster if she doesn't start sleeping better in the afternoon. She has her morning nap down great but the past few days she has enjoyed having little "cat naps" that last about 20 minutes long all afternoon. :(

You have all been so faithful in praying for us along this journey – i know this because I can feel your prayers. I hear from random people (just when I need it most) that someone else they know is praying for us and I can't tell you what a difference it makes in my day.

I need you again to please pray for a specific situation. A couple of them actually. As always, please pray first for God's perfect will and for Him to give us the grace we need to accept whatever His will may be.

Two specific requests:

1) Biological paternal grandparents are having a homestudy done so that they can have overnight visits with Carter. They are healthy people who love Carter and Gracey and Carter already has a relationship with them so while this will be very difficult for us, I do think it will be good for Carter. It is possible, however, that they may be allowed to also have the bio parents over to visit while they have Carter with them. I can not be objective about this. I am certain beyond doubt that they would keep Carter safe but I don't know if this is in his best interest. Obviously, I don't want this to be allowed or to happen even if it is allowed. Please pray that the state does not allow it and that the grandparents abide by that. Also pray that they do not try to take Gracey for visits, too. I don't think they are at this point but she is too little to be away from me.

2) The court date coming up in July. The best thing we know of that could happen at that court date is for the judge to set a date for a trial to terminate parental rights. That is what we are praying for. No extensions for parents to work their plans, we want a termination date.

Thanks for your prayers and I will keep you updated, as usual.

Ironically, my very first post was exactly one year ago this Sunday (Mother's Day). It was on May 14, 2005, that I began to share Our Story with friends, family and strangers who have become virtual friends. Today, the Grace I wrote about then still carries us on this roller coaster ride called adoption. And Foster Care. For those of you who remember the story or who go back and read it, the child I called "Grace" is still with The Adoption Lady and they very much hope to adopt her. I saw her in church this past Sunday and I looked at her beatiful face, I marveled at how God used her to bring us to where we are now.

On my first Mother's Day as a Mother (officially but not legally), there are three people I want to honor.

First is my mom. There aren't enough words to thank you for the unconditional love you have given me through the years. It is because of you that I know Jesus. It is because of you that I know I will be a good mom. Having children changes the way I look at you – it's like suddenly, I get it. I understand why you gave up your lunch hour so many times to take me to run an errand. I know why you brought me to church even when I didn't want to go. THank you for giving me roots so that I would be confident enough to find my wings. And thank you for loving our babies.

The second person I want to honor is Gracey and Carter's biomom. I don't understand all the choices you've made, but I'm so grateful for two of them. I can see the love in your eyes when you hold Gracey and when you get hugs from Carter. Thank you for choosing life for them. I pray that you will one day come to know Jesus and that you will recieve the fullness of His love and His grace in your life. I promise that I will be honest with Carter and Gracey but I will do so without saying bad things about you. When they are old enough, if they choose to seek you out, I will support them and help them find you again.

The last person, or group of people, I want to honor are all the women out there who want to be mothers but have not yet become mothers. I know your pain and I have felt your loss. I wish for you today to be surrounded by God's peace and comforted by His grace. My prayer for you is Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'"

The official word from the caseworker for the bio parents is that there has been "no significant progress" on their case plan. Meaning, they have not made significant progress on the things they have to do in order to be considered to have their children returned to them.

I have to say that this is GREAT news. I'm through with apologizing for wanting a family to be broken apart. Bios made their choices and now they must live with them. These kids deserve a chance at life, they deserve parents who will love them and care for them. We can give them a better home and I hope they are here forever, not just because of what we want, but because of what is best for them.

I will continue to pray for bio mom and bio dad, probably for as long as I live. They have made a lot of bad choices, but they made two very right ones. I'm forever grateful for those two choices and I do wish the best for them. Maybe one day they will turn their lives around.

It's hard for me to understand. If someone took these kids from me and gave me a plan to work on in order to be considered to get them back, I wouldn't sleep until it was finished. I don't know if it is immaturity, poverty or an array of other issues keeping them from it, but it just doesn't matter. Carter and Gracey are what matter now. They are finally home and I want them to stay here.

At first, it felt wrong to pray that they would be here forever because praying that meant praying that the parents would continue to screw up their lives. It doesn't feel wrong anymore. This family needs to be broken up so that a cycle can be broken. It must be broken up so that our children can grow up in a stable, happy home.

While the parents have made "no significant progress", Carter and Gracey continue to thrive in our care. That's significant.

Today is officially "Me Day". Mom has the kids for the day and I can do whatever I want. And I don't know what to do. Twice on the way home from dropping them off, I went into a panic, feeling like I had forgotten them somewhere.

I'm so tired, I'd love to crawl into bed and sleep for a few hours but I hate to waste my free time that way! There are many chores to be done around the house but I'm certainly not wasting my free time THAT way, either!

I've decided to decorate Carter's room with a "Thomas the train" theme – or maybe just trains in general. He LOVES trains. Every night when we say our prayers I ask him what he wants to thank God for and he says, "Cheewwww Cheewwww twain…."! It cracks me up. He has the little train called Fergus from the Thomas collection, and I should have checked the name before buying it for him. He calls it is "Fug-us twain" and it really doesn't sound nice. The 'g' sounds a lot more like a 'k' than I'd like it to.

I could go shopping for supplies to do his room or I could go to the children's book store and pick up a few books for him. He'll go to the dentist soon so I'd like to find a book about that.

I do want to see a movie but when I looked at the listings, the biggest movie showing is that one that just came out with the world's biggest cult follwing IDIOT starring in it. I won't see that. I won't even watch reruns of movies on tv with him in them. I won't even say the name of the movie or his name because I don't want to publisize him anymore than he's already been publisized.

So maybe I'll see an older movie that's out. But I have to tell you, it's nice to sit and listen to the quiet in my house, too. But it's also a little lonely. How sad is it that I miss my babies already and it's only been two hours since I dropped them off?

Many of you may be familiar with Baby Eintstein videos, but a friend recently told me about Praise Baby. Carter LOVES Praise Baby and I love it, too! It is the same idea as the Baby Einstein stuff but it is set to Praise music instead. When we both need a break, it's a great way for him to calm down and for me to refocus. We try to watch a little each night and I love how it just reminds me to look to God.

Last night, for the first time, Carter started singing along with the DVD. Nothing is sweeter than hearing him sing, " Ewww are ho-weee, ho-weeeee". It just melts my heart.

God is so faithful, has been so faithful and will forever be, SO faithful. One of the biggest encouragements to us along the way with Carter and Gracey has been the involvement of the biological paternal grandparents. They have come to a few visits and have said all along that they hope we will be able to adopt Carter and Gracey. They both feel it is in the best interest of the kids – they are healthy people who seem to have very sincere hearts, but are not at a place where they could take on raising an infant and a two year old. They do, however, want very much to continue being grandparents.

Anyway, it was suggested to me earlier this week that it is possible that they are only saying what we want to hear. That they could be trying to help the bio parents get the kids back but are saying that to us just in case parental rights are terminated. I hadn't thought of that, nor do I or did I think it was the case. But of course, it got me thinking. And thinking almost always gets me in trouble. Why can't I learn to just trust God and quit trying to think on my own? ha ha ha

Anyway, God's faithfulness goes so far beyond what I can imagine. He knew my heart, knows my heart. Today at the grocery store, I saw a lady who was involved in the initial CPS investigation. I had only seen her once before and had never spoken to her. I just knew it was her and promised myself that if I saw her again (on another aisle) that I would approach her. So, I did what anyone in my shoes would do…..I hunted her down.

Through our brief conversation, and without me directly asking or even thinking to bring it up, she mentioned that the paternal grandparents said when she talked them in the beginning that they did not want the children to be reunified with their parents. That they didn't feel it would be in the best interest of the kids.

Seriously now, what are the chances? I don't live in a small town. The meeting we went to was not near our house. We just happen to live near enough to this lady to shop at the same grocery store?

Some may call it a coincidence. I call it a God thing. You'd have to know Him to understand. Thanks, God. I needed that.

About five minutes after that last post, my mom called to ask if she could keep the kids one day next week because she just "had" to see them. Thanks, mom. I'm looking forward to a few hours of "me time"!

I'm in a Bible Study right now with an incredible group of women. We are reading James and in James 2:23-24, it says, "23 And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, "Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness." And he was called the friend of God." NKJV

It's the "he was called the friend of God" part that really gets to me. I want to be called the friend of God. I want to believe God in all things. The biggest thing for me to believe God in right now is pretty obvious. I'm believing God to carry us through this journey of adoption. Notice I didn't say I'm believing God to make us the legal parents of Carter and Gracey.

I keep getting little bits of information on the birthfamily and I just need to stop listening to it. Today I began mapping out a plan of action for what I might do to "make sure" we get to keep Carter and Gracey! It's absurd, really. It is completely out of my control but every once in a while I just grab hold of the reins and take off. I hear God whispering, "Be still….breathe….I am here. Who are you going to trust? Yourself or Me?" And I pray my way through it. It requires a complete surrendering to Him. It's not me saying, "okay, God. I know you are going to fix things so that Carter and Gracey stay with us forever so I'll let you have control." It's me saying, "Okay, God. YOUR will, not mine. I trust YOUR will. I trust Your control. I surrender to YOUR plan." It's not easy. It is a daily burden I lay at His feet.

Before you start thinking I'm some wonderful, super Christian type person. Let me set the record straight! It is only through His grace that I am willing to lay my heart down. God crucified His ONLY son, so that I would have the opportunity to live eternally with Him. He made that sacrifice knowing that I (and you) would have a choice of whether or not to accept that precious gift. I don't know about you, but I choose Christ. I choose Christ and whatever that means for our future with these children. I choose Christ because it is His ever present peace that keeps me going each day. I choose Christ because of His unconditional love for me. I choose Christ because He first chose me. For me, there is no other choice.

John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever should believe in Him, should not perish, but have eternal life."

So remember when I first blogged about ME TIME? Well, I'm in desperate need of some now. I love spending time with the kids but I think I'd enjoy it even more if I had a few hours to myself each week. And I'm not talking about hours I spend working or hours I spend cleaning the house….hee hee hee. I'm talking about "me time" hours. When I do whatever I want.

There are many benefits of being the last of your close friends to have kids – you get hand me downs, tried and true advice, etc. etc…. But the one BIG thing you don't get is a break. BK (before kids), I loved to take nieces/nephews/friend's kids for a few hours at a time, or even over night. I really enjoyed the play time plus I knew I was giving their moms a break. Now I wish I had a friend like me. Okay, that sounds bad but I don't care. It's true! Most of the people I'm close with have kids of their own and when they get a break from them, they don't want to take on anyone else's!

I'll survive. Mother's Day Out starts in less than a month and then I'll just be down to one kid for two days a week. That will help a lot. I just need to make time to do the things that are important me, you know? Like read my Bible! It's hard to make time to spend with God like I want to right now. And then there is scrapbooking; although I've given up believing that I can do it the way I'd like to, I would like to start baby books for Carter and Gracey.

I'm just thankful that God always has time for me, even when I don't make the time for Him that I should. He remains faithful in all things, in all places, and in all situations. And I'll get it figured out before long. Won't I?

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

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