This has to be the most commonly asked question over the past few days.
You may find my answer surprising. I’m not excited in the sense that one might expect me to be excited. I am incredibly happy that we are one step closer to adoption but I wasn’t surprised by the outcome of Tuesday’s hearing. Before I get in trouble for sounding too confident, let me just say that my confidence is in God, not myself or the court system or CPS. So my excitement came a long time ago, when we first got the kids.
I don’t know if that makes any sense. I am excited, just not jumping up and down excited. I’m thrilled about these kids and I can’t wait until they are legally ours, but I guess I didn’t feel some great release at the judge’s words. Maybe this sounds nuts but since I wasn’t too worried, I wasn’t real relieved…..know what I mean?
Anyway, if I had to sum up my feelings in one word, it would be
GRATEFUL.
The same way I felt when I first met my husband. Grateful to God for bringing these children to our lives. Grateful for infertility. Grateful for unanswered prayers. Grateful for a God who knows what I want before I even know it exists.
I love Speedy and Princess so completely with my heart. In my mind, I know they are not legally ours and I will celebrate the day we change their last names. On one hand, I don’t think things will feel any different when they become ours…..on the other hand, I think everything will be different. But one thing that will remain is my gratefulness. I’m completely humbled that God would see fit to give us two incredibly beautiful gifts.
We’re beginning to talk a little more with Speedy about what is happening - using stories and very simple explanations. We aren’t going into any detail and we aren’t pushing anything until we get TPR. But we wanted to lay some groundwork. I hope he gets to visit with BM and BF at least one more time before everything is final. Part of me wants that more for them than for Speedy.
Although they have made their own choices, I want them to have an opportunity to say goodbye. They are people who have made terrible decisions but they are still people…they are still Speedy and Princess’s birthparents. We’ve been calling them mommy___ and daddy____ for the last few months. Before long, we’ll start calling them by their first names only. Transitioning.
As we move forward, we must make decisions about what information to share with Speedy and Princess and how to share it. I’m not talking about details, I’m talking about what words to use, ya know? We never want them to suddenly realize they were adopted. No surprises. And I want to be honest with them, but at an age appropriate level. We’ll have to get together with our families who will be spending time with them and make sure we are all on the same page so we’ll all be prepared to answer questions if they arise. The one thing I’m certain of is that I do not want to be negative about their birthparents but I’m not sure how to “explain” things without it.
I don’t want to say they were “sick” because then when studlyman or I get sick I don’t want them to worry that they may be adopted again. I dunno. I think the hardest part of being a parent is all the decisions. Whether or not to go to the doctor, which school is best, etc……
I guess we’ll figure it out through a lot of prayer.
I want the “explain it once - it works forever” technique but so far it doesn’t seem to exist. The idea of cleaning pee and poop off of my carpet as we go through this process doesn’t sound like fun at all.
