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Tomorrow is court. This time tomorrow, I’ll be getting ready to head out and will no doubt be feeling a little anxious. More than anything, I’m just ready to see what’s going to happen. I’m feeling confident and pretty relaxed about the whole thing – let’s see if that holds up tomorrow morning. 
Part of me is afraid because I’m so calm about it all. Isn’t that funny? I pray for peace, I get it, and then I worry that I’m “too calm”. How incredibly human of me. God must be shaking His head as I write this.
I will be shocked if the bios show up for court. I just can’t imagine them standing before the judge when they haven’t done anything that has been asked of them by the court. They haven’t shown up to see the kids in the last three weeks, either. None of this looks good for them and they may have to answer some tough questions if they are there.
I feel good about a fast track. I’m hoping and praying that is what the judge decides. And I’m counting on you to pray with me. 
Please pray:
- that the judge will decide to fast track this case
- that the judge will set a date for termination that is not more than a month or two from now
- that the Ad Litem who will be appointed to represent the birth parents will not put his/her own (ie: the need to simply win)Â needs before those of the family
- that this Ad Litem will see the case for what it is and will explain options to the bios about relinquishing and what choices they will have if they do that
- that BM and BF will find the strength and clarity to recognize that they can not care for these children – that the love they have for them will turn into a choice to sign over their rights so their kids have the opportunity for a better life
- for Carter and Gracey as their fate is being decided, that God will give them a sense of peace and security
- for H, the new caseworker assigned to the kids, that God will give her wisdom and discernment and courage to boldly present her case
- for M, our caseworker, that she will have the courage to speak out and advocate for these kids
- for God’s perfect will, not ours
Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’”
The Name Game, dang it!
Posted July 22nd, 2006 at 8:59 pm. 5 comments
I know we said originally that we were going to keep Gracey’ first name. We changed our minds – we decided to change it about 3 months ago and it has taken us that long to pick one we both really like. I guess we’re lucky, most people don’t get the opportunity to try out a name before they choose it. ha ha ha
We decided on Gracey Grace. It’s popular, yes, but we like it. For now, we’ll go on calling her all the pet names we’ve come up with like Sissy, baby Grace, baby Gracey, babygirl, sunshine, etc….. Poor kid ought to get good and confused.
Whatever.
We fed Gracey today, just a little rice cereal and she really seemed to like it. Although she spit a lot of it out, she did keep opening her mouth for more so I guess she was ready enough. We’ll try again tomorrow. I’m confident she isn’t allergic to the rice cereal because she’s been getting it in her bottle for months now, so I’m sure we’ll try something a little more fun tomorrow. Like some disgusting veggie that has been mashed into nothing. I don’t know; guess I better google it to see what I’m supposed to try next. Hmmmm, I wonder what our parents did without google when they had baby questions?
Mom kept the babies tonight while studly and I went out. It was surreal to eat out and not have to feed anyone else. Mom told me that when she and Carter were eating, get some gravy on his hand and said, “Dang it!”    Ooops.
Bittersweet….but mostly sweet
Posted July 21st, 2006 at 2:50 pm. 2 comments
You can guess from the title of today’s post that the bios were a no show again today. I really don’t know how to feel about it all; I mean, I want to be happy because it looks good for us, really good. But I can’t be completely happy knowing that someone else is in such a bad place in life over the same circumstances.
What keeps me grounded and gives me the opportunity to take joy in the little steps along the way is knowing that the bios are making their own decisions. Although there are a great deal of issues there that complicate things, at the end of the day they are responsible for their choices. They could choose to get help but instead seem to be refusing it. I can’t change that for them, but I can reap the benefits of their poor choices by experiencing the love of these two precious babies.
And so that is what I’ll do. It’s the only thing I can offer them – to love the children they gave birth to. I believe that they love their kids but it is a kind of love I can not understand. It’s a love that seems to hold no loyalty. It’s a love that seems convenient. It’s a love that seems to refuse sacrifice. Maybe it isn’t love at all.
In one breath I want to say, “how could you?” and in the next say, “Thank God you did… ” or in this case “didn’t.” I want to be angry for the circumstances they chose that placed these kids in care, yet how can I be angry over what brought them to me? Though it will be a while before it is legal, these are our kids. In a way, they always have been. We have been praying for them since last March, over a year ago. I believe they were ours even back then.
People keep reminding me that anything could happen and we need to be prepared. There isn’t one day that goes by that I don’t think about the fact that legally and technically they could be taken from us in a split second. But the God I serve is bigger than that and I trust His perfect plan. Even if His plan isn’t what our plan is, I know He is in control.
I can’t determine the outcome of any of this so I just sit back and pray. And watch God work.
I continue to pray that BM and BF will choose to sign away their rights and will in that huge step acknowledge that they want more for their kids than what they can provide.
Cousins and Caseworkers
Posted July 20th, 2006 at 8:33 pm. Add a comment
Carter had a great time when his cousin, Wes, came to spend the night on Tuesday. I don’t know who was more tired from running around the house, Carter, Wes or studman! They were all sweaty!
It was funny to watch Carter try to imitate Wes, who is seven years old. If Wes could do it, Carter thought he could, too. Things like working the remote control or going through the obstacle course at Pump It Up! They both had a great time and I don’t think Carter has ever slept better.
I found out today that our caseworker is resigning. It’s no surprise considering how easily these guys can get burned out. Imagine what they deal with day in and day out. Anyway, he only lasted 9 months. I bet it will be nine months he won’t soon forget. Our new caseworker called today and she is someone I’d met several times before. I LOVE her. She’s very bubbly and down to earth and very friendly. I think I’ll like working with her. Anyway, she called today and we talked for a bit and by the way she talked, I believe the plan is still for her to ask the judge to fast track this case. Here’s hoping………
Gracey Rolls Again….
Posted July 19th, 2006 at 7:41 pm. 1 comment
FINALLY! She rolled over from her back to her tummy today – three times! Woo Hoo! By George, I think she’s got it. Now, let’s hope she gets it in the middle of the night, too.
“Did you see at?”
Posted July 17th, 2006 at 3:17 pm. 6 comments
I’m going to post about the circus once I get pictures uploaded.
In the meantime, I let Carter run around the house naked as a jay bird for about an hour this afternoon. (probably more like 30 minutes but it felt like an hour) Anyway, he has a rash and I was attempting to keep it uncovered for a bit but after two pees on the floor and one in the potty chair, I gave up.
He came up to me and said, “uh oh….poo poo, mommy.” so I took him to the potty. He was sitting on the potty playing with his unmentionables when he started peeing and since it was pointed up, it kinda went all over him. The look on his face was priceless! I think it scared him a little bit but then he got excited and figured out it would work better if he pointed it back down. LOL! It’s funny trying to help him figure these things out, I mean, it’s not like I have one.
After that he was in the den and he farted. He grabbed his behind and was trying to look behind him but just kept spinning in circles saying, “Did you see at?…see at?” That kid keeps me laughing.
On a more serious note, I got an email from the cw this afternoon telling me that since bios haven’t shown up for the last two visits that I don’t have to show up on Friday. I’m on standby. If they show up, he’ll call me and then I can head that way with the kids. Woo Hoo!
Gracey Milestone
Posted July 15th, 2006 at 11:05 am. 3 comments
I can’t believe I forgot to write about this last night. Those of you catching up on Monday morning will be shocked to see that I’ve been very busy blogging over the weekend.
Yesterday, Gracey got up on all fours several times and lunged herself forward!!! We have seen her get on all fours before but this time she really “meant” it. She kept doing it over and over and lunging forward and then giggling. She is on her way to crawling and we’re in BIG TROUBLE.
In addition to her learning to move around to get the toys she wants, she is also squealing in delight all the time. If studman, Carter or I start talking to her and she’s is good and awake, she goes nuts. It’s hilarious.
She’s been wearing 3-6 month clothes and outgrowing her 3 month outfits. Last night I bought her a cute 6 month outfit to wear to the circus today and was afraid it wouldn’t fit her -Â and now I’m a little sad that it does. She’s catching up quick!
Sixteen pound circus security
Posted July 14th, 2006 at 10:07 pm. 2 comments
How’s that for an attention getter?
Sixteen Pounds:
We no longer have access to a baby scale, but by holding Gracey on the scale with me and then weighing just myself, it appears she is now 16 pounds and 6 ounces! WHAT? Toolman even double checked it. We TOTALLY missed 15 pounds. I can’t believe she is really that much so now I am eager to get back to the doctor so we can find out for sure.
Circus:
Tomorrow we are going to the circus. And when I say ‘we’, I mean WE. We as in NINETEEN of us. All the nieces and nephews from my side of the family as well as my parents and all five girls with their husbands. HOLY COW. That’s a lot of people to go to the circus. Carter is VERY excited about the elephants. He’s been talking about elephants all week and I even heard him talking about elephants when he woke up from his nap today and was still in bed. We’re working on teaching him the concept of time and so I explained before nap today that after two more naps and one more night sleep we’d go see the elephants. I guess he got a little confused. Oh well, he is super excited and I hope he isn’t scared when we get there.
Security:
After the kids went down for the night, I decided to run to the grocery store to pick up some medicine and a few other things. As I was leaving, I told toolman (by the way, I HATE that name for him so as of now I’m changing it. Let’s call him studmuffin and see how long it takes for him to figure it out)….so as I was saying….I told studmuffin that I was excited to go to the store with my “big girl purse” instead of the diaper bag. Then I thought how much I could get done by myself and told him I might be a couple of hours. He said, “to go to the grocery store?” And I just laughed and said, “um, yeah….that’s the ONLY place I’m going.” I left at eight and came home two stores, an outfit for me with shoes, two outfits for Gracey, one shirt for Carter, one book for Carter, NO GROCERIES and two hours later. Man, I was on a roll. Too bad I was too tired to stop by the grocery store on my way home.
Oops. This is called security for a reason. I figured studman would be asleep when I got home and as I walked in our very LOUD front door realized he was asleep in the den. I had to slam the door to get it to shut and he never budged. His chair is only about 6 feet from the slamming front door and then I walked through the house to hide, I mean put away, my goodies and he never moved. I got ready for bed and was feeding Gracey before he woke up and wandered into her room. Funny thing is, he has NO IDEA I was gone for two hours.
Comments!
Posted July 14th, 2006 at 9:55 pm. Add a comment
Usually comments are emailed to me automatically but for some reason it isn’t working these days. It makes responding to your comments via email more difficult, so here goes:
Julie wants to know how Carter is taking it, and that’s a great question!
Carter seems fine. I didn’t expect birthparents to be there today so I didn’t tell him we were going to see them in the same way I normally do. I told them we had to go to the caseworker’s office and that BM and BF MIGHT be there and we might get to play with them, but I wasn’t sure. Once we got to the building, I knew they weren’t there because they usually meet us outside. Rather than getting the kids down, which is usually when Carter would start looking around for someone, I called the office to let them know I was there. I got one of the caseworkers to come outside and sit in the car with the kids so I could go in and sign them in officially. I’m not totally sure Carter even knew where we were and he doesn’t really have a sense of time yet. He didn’t seem bothered by it but I do wonder…..
David says now I know what a “real” family is. I just don’t know what to make of it, honestly. Part of me wonders if they’ve just given up. I have other theories that I’m not comfortable sharing just yet. I learned a long time ago that family isn’t defined by blood or who you live with, etc…. maybe when you are young it seems that way, but as you grow you are able to choose your family. As adults, we certainly choose our family – we all have someone we won’t claim, right?
Judy wonders if the birthparents might know deep down that the kids are where they need to be. I hope and pray that they have enough love in their hearts for Gracey and Carter to want a better life for them.
Pajama Mama asks me to prepare for the possibility that the courts could still give them more time. I appreciate the gentle reminder and I recognize it is very possible. So far, I’m doing a pretty good job of not worrying about it much as it is completely out of my control. I’m trusting God to take care of it and I pray His will is done. Whether that means another chance for them or not. God knows what He’s doing.
Two Weeks
Posted July 14th, 2006 at 12:57 pm. 5 comments
It’s now been two weeks since BM and BF have seen Carter and Gracey. They were a no show once again this morning.
It’s bittersweet. My heart aches for them and the life they are choosing.
At the same time, I’m happy because with court only a couple weeks away, this isn’t going to serve in their favor. It may help to speed the process along, which is what Carter and Gracey deserve – a forever family.