My Ebenezer

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To all of my fellow infertiles:

I remember.

I know that as you wander through this Holiday Season that your heart is longing for a child to love. I know that dull ache deep within you – the kind that you get when you miss a loved one you haven’t been with in a long time; a sort of homesickness, if you will.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad when you pass a toy store. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not being able to “get in the spirit of things”. Treat yourself to a hot chocolate on a cold day and dream of the children you will one day shop for. Indulge yourself by imagining those children and what they might like for Christmas and don’t chastize yourself for dreaming.

I know you know what Christmas is all about and I know that you will celebrate Christ in your own way. I understand if you need to do that quietly this year. Please don’t feel guilty or selfish. God knows your heart and His is breaking right along with it.

When you see me in the mall with my two little ones, I hope I’ll have the chance to tell you that I’ve been where you are and I remember. As you watch me trying to choose a baby doll and tears well up in your eyes, I hope somehow you’ll know that I’ve been there. That things aren’t always what they seem.

Christmas time has to be the hardest when you want desperately to be parents but can’t be because of infertility or circumstance. Regardless of where you are in any treatment or cycle, I know what you are thinking, deep down, is that maybe this will be THE month – your own special Christmas miracle. You may even be imagining how you will tell the family on Christmas day that you finally got your heart’s desire. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming so go on and allow yourself that simple escape.

And if you come to the point when you realize that this won’t be the year and you think again for the THIRD or the FIFTH or the TENTH year in a row, “surely by next year we’ll have a baby” just know that I remember. Know that I offer up a special prayer for you. Know that God is faithful and you can trust Him even when you can’t understand His ways.

I know I don’t have to post about what I am most thankful for. You all know it already.

It’s funny, though, because I feel like this is our first Thanksgiving. I’ve been around for 31 of them so it should in no way be my “first”, but honestly, I feel like a Thanksgiving virgin. Come on, you know it’s funny.

Carter and certainly Gracey won’t have a clue as to what is happening tomorrow, it will just be another day at Granny’s for lunch with other family there. But I know. I know that this is our first family Thanksgiving. It has been a year of “firsts” for us and I can’t tell you how exciting it is. I feel like a little kid – and this is on Thanksgiving! Can you imagine what I’ll be like at Christmas? (that is, if I can survive the budget constraints daddy-o is putting on me! )

Speaking of Daddy-O, he’s in the kitchen right now baking pecan pies. Is that an amazing man or what? I took his picture but I’m too lazy to post it right now so I’ll do it later.

He was outside this evening picking some things up and I could hear an obnoxious noise which I later realized was him singing Christmas carols. ? I was just as alarmed and confused as you are. He came in the back door singing his own rendition of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and if I hadn’t just had a conversation with him, I would have accused him of being drunk. I said, “keep it down, please, the kids are asleep!” And he said, “I’m just getting so excited for Christmas already!”

We’re both excited. Carter is excited, too. We got a “Little People” nativity set from Granny J and put it out the other day. It’s really cute, when you push on the angel sitting atop the stable, “Away in a Manger” plays and the star lights up.

I was just interrupted and called to the kitchen to inspect the pies. And I quote, “if you are going to blog about me cookin’, you better go take pictures of my pies and put them on there, too.” So you’ll get pictures afterall.

Anyway, back to Carter. Sometimes when he sees Santa Claus, he will point and say, “Jesus.” LOL Um, no, not quite son. Though some of us would like for Him to be a big Santa in the sky, that’s really not the way it works. But he’s making the connection between Jesus and Christmas and I guess that’s what is most important.

Yesterday we went to Grammy’s for lunch after church. Grammy’s is a very special place for Carter, as he learned very quickly that Grammy will give him almost anything he wants. (as Grammy’s are supposed to do) One thing he especially likes at Grammy’s is getting an “orange drink”. (Sunkist) This has to be one of the BEST things about going to Grammy’s.

Yesterday, Carter talked non-stop for the thirty minute drive to Grammy’s and seemed to be a little wound up so we wouldn’t let him have an “orange drink” with his lunch; he had milk instead. After nap time, Everyone was outside playing except Daddy and Granddad and Carter kept saying he wanted Daddy outside. I can’t help but wonder if his little brain was already working out his master plan at this point.

Grammy went back inside and not long after she did, Carter started saying he wanted to go inside. He went to the back door and called from Grammy and she let him in. After closing the door, Carter turned around and locked it and then grinned at Grammy and said, “le’s go get an orange drink now.”

Little stinker.

My sweet baby boy has been corrupted. Or this is a great case for original sin. ha ha ha

I think one of the biggest changes that has occurred in my life since having kids is the lack of quality friend time. With everyone dealing with their own set of issues around rasing babies and toddlers, there just doesn’t seem to be enough time left over for adult friends. Even when we get together and let the kids play, it’s hard to have real conversations with little ears listening nearby.

I miss my friends. I miss long conversations about everything and even the ones about nothing. This time of year, I especially miss my NYC friends. Maybe next year.

You might be anticipating a funny Carter story but this wasn’t Carter. I have an ear infection and went to the doctor this afternoon and wanted him to look at a rash that I’ve had on my leg for a mont or so. When I lifted my pants leg up, he said, “eeewwwww! That’s a fungus!”

Nice, huh? He also said it is very contagious but so far I haven’t seen any sign of it on Carter, Gracey or daddy-o.  Funny, it didn’t itch at all BEFORE I knew it was a fungus.

I wrote this on my weekend away: 

So what’s a girl to do with a free afternoon? No runny noses to wipe, no dirty diapers to change. Nothing but freedom and relaxation. I have to admit that when I first got here I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I wandered around for a bit, even looked for a broom so I could sweep off the porch. I didn’t find a broom and decided I should stretch out for a little cat nap so I’d be fully rested for my evening of relaxing! Ha ha ha 

It’s the most beautiful day with the sun shining bright and not a cloud in the sky…..cool enough out so that you need a light jacket if you sit in the shade too long. I can hear birds singing in the distance as I prop my feet up on another chair and settle in with my laptop to do a bit of writing.  

I catch myself singing along with the cd I have on in the house, enjoying the music as it drifts out onto the porch and reminds me with its lyrics of what an awesome God we serve. The leaves that I couldn’t sweep away are such beautiful shades of red-orange, yellow and vibrant green.  When you look around there are many visible signs of the seasons changing from summer to fall. Even the crisp, cool air is evidence of change. 

There are so many symptoms of change in nature. Leaves changing between seasons, dark clouds looming before a storm and flowers blooming in springtime. I can’t help but wonder what signs there are of changes that are happening in me? 

Some changes in me are obvious enough. An added inch to my waist and you can clearly see I’ve been eating my feelings again. J Dark circles under my eyes and you know I haven’t had enough sleep. But what about the big things? What about the changes that happen deep in my heart and the decisions that change the direction of my life? 

Can you see how much I have changed in nine months? Do you know how deeply motherhood has affected not only how I see things but who I am? I used to consider myself to be a little on the selfish side – and still do to some extent. But I no longer have the option of being selfish. Toddlers and babies tend to take that option away from you.  

It’s not just that I no longer have the option – I no longer have the desire to focus on myself. I want my children to be happy and to learn what it means to trust in God. Even as I write that I want them to trust in God, I wonder what I do that is helping to teach them that. If my top priority is for them to have a relationship with God , what am I doing today to help promote that? 

So many changes that happen in our lives happen whether we want them to or not. How we react to those changes defines who we are today and lays the foundation for who we will be tomorrow. With so much happening to us, I can’t help but think about what happens because of us. Am I being intentional about what I teach Carter and Gracey? Are they learning just by happenstance or am I seeking out opportunities to lay a foundation of faith for them?  

What are the three most important things you want to give your children and what have you done this week to promote that?

You’ve heard me talk before about how easy it is to advertise on blogs and get paid. I absolutely LOVE payperpost ! They make getting money for nothing so simple. Most of the posts I’ve written that have gotten me money are actually about payperpost. I love it because I can review the list of advertisers and choose which opportunities to take. I know before I write the post how much money I’ll make and the instructions are so simple, if you follow them you will definitely get your money! For this post alone, I’ll make $10. In total, I’ve earned almost $80 and this post will bring me to $90! Woo Hoo! That’s free money to me. I know there is a lot of hype out there about advertising on blogs, but I only write about things I really get excited about. And I get pretty excited about making easy money. I’ll be using some of my blogging money to buy Christmas presents online. REally, you can’t beat it. Those of you with blogs should really check them out, it is much faster than using google ads or whatever.

On the adoption front, I still have not heard from our placement worker. I’m guessing we won’t finalize until after the first of the year, but I really don’t mind. I’m just so happy that we get to finalize, if it takes a bit longer it is okay with me!

Presents have always been a big deal to me. If you are familiar with the “5 Love Languages”, mine is definitely gifts. This Christmas, however, I can’t think of anything I really want for Christmas. I can think of tons of things I want to get for the kids but nothing for myself. I already have the best Christmas present – getting to watch them open their gifts Christmas morning!

I can find stocking stuffers that I would like but it seems like every time I start surfing the web for ideas, I end up looking at Leather Journals I can use for baby photo albums. It always goes back to the kids. I guess you could say I’ve had a change of perspective.

In case you haven’t noticed, I found a wonderful new website that offers a variety of fine leather goods! Who can’t use a new wallet or photo album for Christmas? This is a great place to find everything from stocking stuffers to quality gifts for the people on your list!

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

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