My Ebenezer

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I’m in mourning. I don’t have anything black to wear but mentally I am one with ebony. It’s very sad to lose a loved one, especially when you are unsure if you will ever see that loved one again. I fear I have seen the last of this one and words simply can not express the loss I feel.

Naptime.

It’s gone for Carter. The last two days he took naps but then couldn’t get to sleep before 10pm and was up at 7am. This schedule does not work for me so we’re giving up our beloved naptime so that he will sleep more at night. Right now, he is on the couch watching a movie – which is what our “naptime” has turned into. It’s okay as long as he’ll actually stay on the couch and have some quiet time but when you’re three, 5 minutes can feel like an eternity.

Speaking of time, when exactly does five minutes go from a long time to nothing at all? A year once seemed like forever and now it’s a mere breath away. When, and how, does that happen?

Anyway, his naps are gone which means mine are too – and let’s face it, that’s what I’m really sad about. My little boy is growing up. He’s even getting a little better at potty training – though last night he pooped in the bathtub when the babysitter was here. What can I say? Thank God it was her and not me who had to clean that crap up.

Carter also has a new trick. He can now open the refrigerator all by himself. Mothers everywhere are gasping in horror and sympathy at the mere thought. Yes, he can pull the door open and reach the first few shelves just fine. Good news is that now I can keep a sippy in there for him so he can help himself when he’s thirsty. Bad news is that I’m going to have to figure out how to keep everything that is breakable on the top two shelves and pray he doesn’t figure out he can climb up to them.

Sigh.

It won’t be long before he’ll be able to go in the den in the morning and get his own breakfast and turn on the tv for himself to watch a few cartoons while mom sleeps in. Hey, there’s nothing sad about THAT!

It fills my heart to watch him grow and gain independence but at the same time it makes me sad to realize he is needing me less and less with each passing day. I’m sure there is a spiritual lesson in there somewhere – but I’ve got to go check on my couch potato and make sure he isn’t in the refrigerator.

I met “Stella” for the first time today. She is my very first “child” under my new role of Child Advocate. I am her court appointed Guardian Ad Litem. I’ve read her case file, her family history, her school reports, etc…. And today, i got to visit with her face to face.

I am amazed at how intelligent she is, given the circumstances she comes from. We had a good visit and I think we’ve layed the groundwork for a good rapport but only time will tell. I left with a sick feeling in my stomach because I realized that I felt like her situation was hopeless. As a Christian, I don’t know what it means to be without hope but today I think i caught a glimpse of what thay must be like. It still hurts a bit in the very core of who I am, that a child can get so lost and so abandoned. It was one thing reading her file; it was another looking into her eyes.

I knew this would be hard and I hope it always is. What I mean is that I hope the hurt I feel never goes away; if it does then what does that say about who I’ve become? These kids don’t need our sympathy but they do need our compassion. They need us to hurt enough to be motivated to act on their behalf. Even when they may not realize they need an advocate in their corner. Maybe especially when they don’t realize it.

Stella has had a hard life. Though she is many years my junior, in life experience she is older than I’ll be in twenty more years. I was a little nervous to meet her because there are so many people “butting into her life” right now….I didn’t want to be just another face asking a bunch of questions. Besides that, let’s face it, teenagers are freakin’ scary. Did I just hear you say ‘Amen’?

I like her. I like her rough edges and tuff exterior. Most of all, I like her smile. Something tells me that seeing it is a priveledge and one I won’t soon take for granted. I hope and pray that I can help her – or should I say that she can be helped through something I am able to do for her. I think I understand now more than ever what it means to “advocate for a child”.

There is a part of me that can’t help but wonder if she could have been my child……if intervention hadn’t happened for my Carter and Gracey, if they could have ended up where she is now. I hope that will make me a better advocate.

Pray for Stella. Pray for a miracle that only God can provide for this hurting girl.

I don’t think I ever really understood the meaning of the word delight until I had kids. There is no better way to describe how I feel when I watch Carter do something clever or funny…..or when I watch Gracey squeal and crawl to me as fast as she can because she is so excited to see me when I’ve gone.

So many times in the Bible, God calls us His children. Does He really feel about me the way I feel about Carter and Gracey? It’s hard to imagine that He takes the same delight in me – if not more – that I take my children. It absolutely fills my heart when Gracey is just overjoyed to see me and runs – okay, crawls – as fast as she can to reach me. It gives me a small glimpse of how God must kneel down with His arms wide open just waiting for us to run and jump into them – waiting for us to squeal with delight at the sight of Him. I wonder if He sits and just watches us do normal things and is so delighted with us when we do.

I’m so pleased with Carter uses his manners without being reminded – when he says “May I please” instead of “give me!” I wonder if this is how God feels when I pray, “not my will but Yours” instead of “Lord, please give me….” Or when I catch him being kind to Gracey – surely that is similar to how God feels when He catches us being kind to one another.

I’ve often heard people ask how there could possibly be a God who would allow such horrible things to happen. Then I think about times Carter or Gracey have been right next to me and have fallen and gotten hurt. I just wasn’t fast enough to catch them – not that God is ever unable to do anything. But I can easily compare how sometimes maybe God doesn’t just “allow” something but instead just doesn’t prevent it. I don’t know if that makes sense to you or not, but it does to me. Because whenever my kids are hurting I am right there to pick them up and kiss their boos boos. And when they really hurt, I hurt too. My heart breaks every time theirs does. Surely God’s heart, which has a much greater capacity for love also has a much great capacity for hurt. Yet He loves anyway, as do we as parents.

As I write this, I can’t help but think not only of the hurt my babies may face today but also of the heartache I know they’ll face tomorrow. When they are old enough to understand more about their beginnings – there is great potential for much heartache there. I could make up a pretty story about how they came to be ours but I love them too much to do that. I know that even though it may hurt them for a while, that truth will make them stronger and I pray will help them experience God’s love on a deeper level. And you can bet I will be there every step of the way.

Some people ask how God can let some things happen. I can’t help but ask how anyone survives without believing in God to pick them up and kiss all their boos boos away.

He will, you know. It may take some time, but He can turn ALL things to good.

My God is just cool like that.

Crazy day.

Exhausted.

Going to sleep now.

Will post later.

Carter had a dry pull up ALL day today. Woo hoo!

That’s what Carter thinks he is these days. Ever since his birthday, he thinks he is big and tough – partly because of us. It usually works when I say something like, “Carter, you need to listen – you’re a big boy now, three year olds know how to listen.” He will almost immediately comply with whatever I’m requesting when I play that card. In fact, the other day I asked him if he wanted to be two again and that really got him moving. (I know, I’m not out to win any mothering awards)

So anyway, I’m thinking I’m all clever and everything until I realized that Carter is a bit more clever. I asked him to do something, I can’t remember what it was, and he looked at me with a very serious face and said, “No, mommy, I’m three now and three year olds don’t do that.”

I thought I might pee in my pants I laughed so hard. Didn’t even attempt to correct him so I’m sure we’ll be having a conversation about that soon. It’s scary when you think your 3 year old might be more clever than you are.

On a side note, Daddy, Carter, Gracey and I were all snuggled up on the couch watching a Piglet movie this morning and I just looked at Daddy and said, “It doesn’t get any better than this, does it?”

Let’s not forget who we really should be thanking on Easter Sunday.

“He paid a debt He did not owe; I owed a debt I could not pay; I needed someone to wash my sins away. And now I sing a brand new song, ‘Amazing Grace’. Christ Jesus paid the debt that I could never pay.“

My children are being reminded 6 different times this season about Jesus’ gift to us. Yes, you read that correctly, they each got SIX different “Easter baskets” of one sort or another. Thankfully, they’ve already gone through two of them so there’s just four to deal with tomorrow. I consolidated a little so it doesn’t actually look like four seperate baskets but I’ll be sure to point out what the Easter Bunny brought and what gmas, aunts, etc… sent for them. It’s so nice to see the love overflowing for our babies.

Carter is excited about seeing what the Easter Bunny brought for him – I think he’s going to love it. We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out for sure, but I have an idea he’s getting lots of little stuff to help him collect bugs. ICK!

Speaking of the Easter Bunny, I got a visit from a very sexy Easter Bunny this year. I guess Daddy probably wouldn’t want to be called any kind of “bunny” but you know what I mean. Before you conjure up images of Easter bunnies in g-strings (not that any of us could possibly find that sexy) let me explain. Maybe sexy wasn’t the right word afterall but how often do you get to use it in the same sentence with “Easter Bunny”?

Anyway, daddy and Carter came home from the store yesterday and then daddy went back out to his truck with a garbage bag. He came in and proceeded to duct tape the bag round and round to keep it shut. If you’re wondering why, you’ll have to go back and read some of the December archives to learn how sneaky I can be at getting into presents. He had gotten me and Easter basket! We’ve been married for 6 1/2 years and we’ve never given each other anything for Easter. It’s just not a time when we normally exchange gifts. But he did get me something this year and he let me open it tonight. Are you ready for this? Want to know why I married this sweet man?

In the Easter Basket was a pair of flip flops with a silver heart on them. They are more like sandals than flips in the way they look – a bit dressier. Anyway, a friend at church had a pair on that I really liked because they looked like Brightons and I’m a big fan… he went looking for them and when he couldn’t find them, he looked this girl’s number up and called her to ask again where she got them. She told him that she’d just bought a similar pair and gave him the info and those are the ones he bought. (they were out of the first pair she had) To make sure he got the size right, he looked at another pair of my shoes before leaving the house. How sweet is all of that? What a man.

Oh, and it didn’t hurt that he threw in NINE bags of my FAVORITE easter candy. Now I just have to buy about 35 more so I’ll have one a week until they start selling them again next year.

You know you’re really lazy when you search the pile of clean laundry on the couch and can’t find any clean underwear. Especially when you factor in that the pile has been there for more than a week and was once full of clean underwear. I had to laugh when Daddy couldn’t find any underwear last night and he eventually laughed, too. Seeing as how it is my job to do the laundry, I’m lucky he laughed.

When he couldn’t find any, I ran to our bathroom and said, “you have at least one clean pair…I know it!” He was less than pleased when I pulled out the Valentine underwear with red hearts all over it that I gave him a few years back. It was a joke gift that came in handy last night! Daddy is a manly manly manly man – he likes trucks, he likes to fix stuff, he likes guns and he likes to go hunting and fishing – there is nothing metrosexual about him so underpants with hearts on them just really aren’t his thing.

Sadly, I still haven’t washed any clothes today – guess I better get on that. I’ve been busy. My day started by leaving Carter at school WITHOUT his Easter basket because I somehow missed the memo telling me about the Easter egg hunt they were having today. Thankfully, I was not the only award-winning mommy to forget the dern basket and another one ran to the store and brought back a basket for her son and one for mine – wasn’t that nice?

After displaying my bad-mommy behavior, I flew across town to meet with my client’s case worker and to review her file. Well, I was supposed to review the file but didn’t have a chance because I had to get back home to relieve the sitter. I’ll go in and read the file tomorrow morning at the Child Advocates office instead. I did get some helpful information and will talk more on that later.

So I drive faster than I should to get home and relieve the sitter, dress Gracey and go out again to take her to the doctor. Ear infection. Ugh! Shot. OUCH! Sucker. YUM! got it? good.

The best part of the day was being able to officially change Gracey’ name at the doctor’s office and at the Pharmacy! Woo Hoo!

After I left the doctor’s, I flew back across town to drop off prescriptions, fill up with gas and go pick up Carter from school. Mother’s Day Out was over. Boo. Where did it go? It should have been called, “Mother’s Day From Hell”. ‘Cause that’s what it felt like.

I’ve been running around like crazy all day and I have done NO laundry – and when i say “do laundry” I’m only talking about washing and drying it because I obviously don’t believe in putting it away. I also have ZERO plans for dinner. Thank God for PB&J. Crap. I hope we have bread.

Tomorrow morning I get to visit with my “client’s” caseworker and read her case file. This will give me the history of her case and will help me see the big picture of what’s happening with her. I’m quite anxious to meet her and hope that I will be able to do that next week.

As excited as I am about this new path in my life, I know that it will sometimes be unbearably painful. I’m guessing when kids are returned to bad situations will be the worst. I know it won’t always be easy – maybe it never will. But I think that’s why it’s so important that I do it. Because it won’t be easy, there are a lot of people who won’t be up to the challenge. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that I am any more capable than the next person – the ONLY thing I am is willing. I’m counting on God for the rest.

I was assigned to my first case with Child Advocates today. I’m very excited and can’t wait to meet my “client”. I’m not sure what I will and won’t be able to share here about my cases – I certainly won’t be breaking any confidentiality rules. I can’t give you lots of details or anything like that but I think it will be okay for me to speak generally about my experience with it all.

I can tell you that my first client is a young teenager. I’ll have to think of a nickname for her but I’ll do that after I meet her in person.

The first step in the whole process is for my coordinator and myself to go and visit with the CPS caseworker and review the case file. After that, I’m sure I’ll be making arrangements to visit with my client.

In the meantime, I have a new prayer request for all of you prayer warriors out there – please lift up this client of mine and her caregiver. And pray that I will have discernment and wisdom with regard to her case.

Carter’s birthday party was on Saturday and the theme was “construction” by his own choosing. We planned to have it at the park but as the day drew closer, we knew that probably wouldn’t happen.

As luck would have it, we got it with some nasty thunderstorms early Saturday morning that knocked out. Carter knew his party was that day so there was no way I was going to cancel it. For all you procrastinators out there, here’s a good reason to not put off cleaning until the morning of the party. You can’t vacum without electricity and it’s hard to see well enough to do a decent job sweeping.

We kept thinking the power would come back soon, but it was 8am and the party started at 10am. We started calling people and telling them to bring flashlights and decided we should set the tent up in the playroom. (The big one we take camping …. well, we camped in it once) I’m still not sure why we thought of that, I guess because we had no electricity or something? Anyway, I figured the kids would be entertained by it and I was right.

So it’s 9:30am… still no lights and we are all still in our pajamas. Daddy and I have been trying to clean and at this point I’m just praying the lights stay out until everyone leaves so no one will see how badly I need to vacuum.

The party was a lot of fun and I think the kids had a great time. I know Carter had fun and that is really all that matters, right? The lights did come back on about halfway through the party but there was already wrapping paper and stuff everywhere so it was hard to tell what may have been on the floor before the party started. ha ha

All in all, I’d say the party was a success. But next year, we’re going to have it someplace else – indoors, just in case of rain.

The funniest part of the whole day was Carter trying to figure out why we couldn’t just turn the lights on. We told him the electricity was out and that we needed the electricity to turn the lights on. He thought about it for a few minutes and then said, “awww, poor tricity.”

Have I told you lately how much I love that kid?

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

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