My Ebenezer

The $%^# really hit the fan today, folks. Literally. Well, almost literally. You’ve heard my poop stories before but none compare to this one.

It all started when i tried to have a conversation over the telephone with the gymnastics coach. I know… I know. ALL of these tormenting stories seem to start with, “When Speedy was in the playroom…….” I promise my kids do not spend the entire day locked away in the playroom. In fact, they really aren’t there very much out of the day at all - it’s just that when they are is the only time I can usually talk or write or think or breathe…you get the picture.

Anyway, so I’m on the phone with Coach when I hear Speedy running towards my office saying, “mommy! I have poo poo!” It’s not at all uncommon for him to let me know it is time to change his diaper. (just shut it. I KNOW he is ready to be potty trained. I am really almost ready to get serious about it.) It is, however, uncommon for him to run into my office saying that WITH NO DIAPER ON. Oh yeah, you read that right. My sweet little angel comes running into my office, declaring he has poop but he has no friggin’ diaper on. You see where this is going.

I’m on the phone with the man I want to be willing to teach my son how to not break his neck when he is climbing and jumping off of things so I’m trying not to react too much. I get a pull up on Speedy and put him in time out. Alright. For all of you thinking, “why didn’t she hang up the phone and take care of things?” Where the HECK were you when this was happening? Again, SHUT IT. You just had to be there. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking.

Anyway. So I’m trying desperately to get off the phone with coach and I turn - FOR A SECOND - to write something down and when i look up Speedy is gone. Hence the name, Speedy. Not to worry, though, because he is back a few seconds later kind of running and kind of hopping on one foot saying, “mommy! Please get the poo poo off of my foot.”

$#&^%#&^%#V #&^*#&^* V# *^#%^%$%@%$

At this point, I know I’m screwed. Because if it is on his foot and I can see him but can’t see the poop then I know the poop is also everywhere he has been. I pick him up and put him in his chair and I’m trying to clean his foot with a wipe while at the same time trying to cordially get off the dang phone. FINALLY, I get off the phone and realize that Speedy must have had crap on his fingers at some point, too. Because he wiped it off. ON THE FRIGGIN’ WALL. Next to the time out chair.

As I’m cleaning it off the wall and washing his foot (keep in mind I still have not investigated the original crime scene) it suddenly occurs to me that Princess is still in the playroom. Why that tiny fact eluded me from the beginning I will never know. All I know is that by the time I get to the playroom to save the Princess from the poo she is sitting next to a pile of crap with a turd between her fingers. And she thinks it is the coolest thing ever. She is laughing at the turd in her hand. And I’m praying it doesn’t get into her mouth before I get it away from her.

I got there before she thought to eat it (i hope, anyway) and there was no way in heck I was checking inside her mouth for traces of poop. Let’s face it, if she ate it there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. And if I saw a little poop on her tooth I was going to puke and have an even bigger mess to clean. I scooped her up, cleaned her up and put a screaming Princess in her crib so i’d know she was safely hiding from the poop while i went back to cleaning.

There was poop on the floor. Poop on a few toys. Poop on the bean bag. And plenty of poop on the carpet. Ironically, there was NO poop in the diaper.

All of this happened before lunch. And who could eat after that?

Needless to say, I am …..pooped.

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