So much of our married life has been filled with the despair of infertility, the hope of adoption and now the agony of parenting. Ironic, isn’t it? 
I have no regrets about our choices. Hindsight is really 50-50 and I can see so many of the “whys” I asked before Speedy and Princess. I’m so grateful we never got pregnant. We are so blessed with Speedy and Princess. I know that God chose them for us and us for them. So I really get frustrated with myself when I start to resent some of the smaller things. I missed the first 22 months of Speedy’s life. I never got to have just one baby - I have no idea what it is like to the parent of one child. I missed a lot of alone time with him. I’m also missing alone time with Princess because she is such a good, easy natured baby, it seems that Speedy is the center of much of our activities. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot. When i do have time alone with her, I’m usually so tired that I can’t enjoy it as much as I should. I tend to take advantage of the fact that I can kind of “coast” for a while.
I get plenty of babysitter time but I use that mostly for work. Working part time is a huge blessing and I have no room to complain about it. But I do find myself stressing about it, even when I’m not working. For instance, right now I have a pile of stuff that needs to be done. I can’t do it when I’m here with the kids and when they go to sleep I’m too tired to even think about it.
But I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I adore my kids. Even when other moms are giving me the evil eye as Speedy runs around at gymnastics, I love that kid. And I love his energy and his enthusiasm for life.
Speaking of gymnastics. Sigh. For the first 15 minutes Speedy sat on my lap or right next to me crying. He had just woken up from a too short nap and it wasn’t pretty. I went with him to his first station and coaxed him along a bit and he finally started warming up - but he wanted me right there with him. Keep in mind that as I am moving from station to station with him I’m also balancing Princess on my hip. He finally “woke up” enough that I could go and sit in a chair but he kept a close eye on me. Compared to last week, he was wonderful. He did fall off of something (something he wasn’t supposed to be on) and hurt himself a little and I’m hoping he learned a lesson in that. He did okay, ran off a few times and sat in time out once or twice. Once I put him there myself. We did leave a few minutes early because he wasn’t listening anymore at all and I was just done. I think next week will be better. (fingers crossed)
Maybe you’re wondering about k-man? You know, the friend of Speedy’s I invited to tag along because I knew they’d both get into mischief together? He was WONDERFUL. Listened very well, followed directions and had a blast. Showoff.
The thing is, Speedy has been really clingy these past few weeks and I’m guessing it has to do with all of the little changes in his life. Potty training, no more MDO for the summer, new Sunday School class, no more high chair, etc….. It’s almost as if he is so ready to be a “big boy” but is still trying to cling to toddlerhood. I’m hoping it is just a phase. I’m just trying to give him lots of reassurance and encouragement.
This is turning into more of a book than a post and I’m all over the place. So be it.
I try to be so sensitive to married people who don’t have children because you never know if it is something they are hoping for or struggling with. I also try to be sensitive to people who have just one child for the same reasons. I know now why no one ever told me “the real deal” with parenting. I just wouldn’t have been able to get it. Just like my friends with no kids can’t understand how there could possibly be days when I just don’t like my kids. Or how my friends with one child could every get that it is so much more difficult with two, especially when they are close together. Okay, so I can’t really compare having two to having just one, but I’m going with what other people have told me. It’s like when you have two children, especially when they are toddlers and/or preschoolers, you are in a secret club. You can say things to each other that you couldn’t say to anyone else. I wonder if that secret club exists for parents of three or more children as well? I’m guessing it does. My hats off to you moms of three or more. I don’t know how you do it. Feel free to drop off one of your kids at my house for the day - but I want the one who is easiest.
