My Ebenezer

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On my flight to CA, there was a sailor sitting in the row in front of me. I am always interested in learning more about men and women who are in the service. In some way I feel like I should be interested in who they are if only because of what they are doing – especially these days – for all of us.

Whether you believe in what we’re doing in Iraq or not is completely irrelevant. Our soldiers are there and they are fighting and saving and dying every day. Many of them leave families behind who are left to pick up the pieces and carry on with life as usual.

Watching this sailor from a distance while we waited to board the plan, I wondered what his story was. I wondered how long he’d be in the service and what exactly he does. I wondered if he had a family, a wife, children, a sister, a mother, a father….. I wondered where he’d been and where he was going.

He sat in the row right in front of me and as I eavesdropped on his conversation with the stranger next to him, this is what I learned. He was heading home to see his wife and his baby for a few days. The last time he’d held his child, he was 3 months old and now that same child is 10 months old. Compared to many who are currently serving, 7 months isn’t that long to be away from your family. But to this sailor it was a lifetime.

If you are away from a baby for even a month you miss a great deal of changes that happen over night. I can’t imagine a father missing out on all of that development. I can’t imagine a mother facing the challenge of caring for that baby on her own. I just can’t imagine.

What can I say? Being a mom totally changes my perspective. When the plane landed I heard him call his wife and tell her which gate we were pulling in to so she’s know where to wait in baggage claim. He was describing his bags (as if they’d get there before we did) and I could hear the excitement in his voice. It brought tears to my eyes.

I thanked God for that sailor and the sacrifice he and his family makes for our great country. I also thanked God that I had not checked a bag and would not witness the reunion between father and child, husband and wife.

My heart simply couldn’t take it.

I was supposed to weigh in on Wednesday but i was out of town. When I went Saturday morning, imaging my surprise when I stepped on the scale and………………………………………………….

-12

It was fun being in front of live class again these past two days and I have enjoyed the time to myself. Knowing that class over and I’m just staying one last night to catch my flight back tomorrow, I’m ready to go home.

The funny thing is that I’m not ready to go home because I’m missing them so much I can’t stand it. *gasp* I love my kids but I am enjoying my “break”. The reason I’m anxious to get home is because they need me. I know they are being well cared for and loved while I’m away but I also know that no one else can replace mom. No one knows what they need, when the need it, the same way I do.

It’s not that I’m super mom or that no one else is as good as me – it’s that I know them in a way no one else could. Because I’m with them more than anyone else is.

I guess that is why God knows more what we need and when we need it than anyone else. We are His children. Why do so many of us constantly question that?

I got a call today from one of our associate pastors. He told me about a lady in our church who was interested in talking to someone about her infertility.

Rewind about 3 ½ years.

I got a group of girls together who were all facing the same obstacles to starting a family that we were – well, maybe the obstacles weren’t exactly the same, but you know what I mean. Anyway, we started a little Bible Study slash support group for women and we met for several months. The group just kind of dissolved as we all “graduated” in one way or another.

So I’ve been contacted a couple of times by pastors in our church asking if I’d be willing to talk with women who were in that same situation now. Absolutely. In fact, today I told him he didn’t even need to ask me about it anymore – just give out my contact information as needed.

As soon as he told me about her, I was reminded of something I heard in a sermon week before last. You can’t really minister to someone else’s hurt until you’ve experienced your own.

How grateful I am for the opportunity to listen to someone else who’s walking in shoes I’ve already outgrown. (or thrown out, maybe) I really hope she calls me and I can’t wait to hear her story. I hope I can be of some encouragement to her and avoid saying all the stupid things that people who aren’t members of the club often say. One thing I’ve learned is that membership in the “infertility club” is a lifelong commitment. Even when you are no longer active, you still belong and help others feel like they’re not alone.

Don’t worry, sis, this one isn’t about you.

My mom gave me a book the other day by Jodi Picoult with this title. What an amazing read! Though I have to say that I was a little ticked off at mom when I finished the book – I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it so I won’t say why.

The book is about a family inching their way through days and then years of waiting for one daughter to die from Leukemia while they fight the disease using another daughter. The second daughter was conceived very carefully and unnaturally by geneticists who were able to determine an exact match for the ailing sister. In other words, they conceived one child to save another. What was initially supposed to be only cord blood donation turned into multiple blood transfusions, bone marrow transplants and finally, the battle over kidney donation.

The main character of the story is the “donor daughter” and her journey to medically emancipate herself from her parents. I don’t want to give the whole story away, but this is a book that definitely kept me reading way past midnight. It was like watching a train wreck in a slow motion but you become so intrigued you just can’t look away. It was a very interesting way to address a hot topic in our medical community.

It’s one you should definitely check out.

Flying hasn’t changed all that much in two years. The seats are still cramped and the food just mediocre. I wasn’t even sure what I was allowed to bring on the flight so I just didn’t pack any hair care items or lotions or anything like that. Those of you who know me IRL are laughing because you know how rarely I use those products anyway – but I will be working, afterall.

Leaving today, daddyo and the kids all walked me outside and waved goodbye as I drove away to the airport. As much as I know I’ll enjoy the brief break from real life, it broke my heart a little to drive away from them. It didn’t help matters that Gracey was whining a little because mommy was in the car and leaving without her.

Don’t get me wrong. I know they won’t even miss me because they’ll have so much fun being spoiled by grandparents but still. I can’t help but wonder if Gracey will wonder where mommy is? Carter understands that I’m going to California and that I’ll be back after “three sleeps”. I’m guessing they will both be hell on wheels when I get home.

The strange thing about traveling away from my family isn’t how much I will or won’t miss them. Let’s face it, I am going to enjoy my time away. I think I may even take in a movie after class tomorrow. It’s things that are completely out of my control that have me a little paranoid. It’s not what happens to them while I’m away that I worry about it – I know they will be just fine. It’s what could happen to me while I’m away. The possibility of not making it back.

I’ve already admitted these morbid thoughts so it’s nothing new, but it surprises me still. Carter especially has already had so much loss in his life – I can’t bear to think of him suffering through more of it.

Am I weird or what?

Dear Gracey,

I can’t believe you are already a year and a half. The time goes by so quickly, I just know that it won’t be long when I’ll be writing your 18 year letter. It hardly seems possible that the day could ever come when you are that old, but I know it is just around the corner.

I know your favorites will change as you do, but right now some of your absolute favorite things to do are dance, sing, talk and imitate Carter. You also enjoy challenging me to see if I really mean it when I say ‘no’.

It cracks me up when the music comes on and you immediately start bending at the knees – up and down, up and down. Then you start moving one arm almost as if you are running but it looks more like a pirate saying “arr arr arr” than dancing baby girl. I know your dancing will improve but I have to admit I’d be fine with you dancing just like that until you’re married.

Singing is another thing you enjoy immensely and even if no one else understands the lyrics you belt out, mommy always knows. Well, almost always. You join in when I sing ‘ABC’s’ and you especially like to keep repeating the A B C part. Though is sounds more like AAAAY EEEEEE SEEEEEE. You are so proud of yourself when you sing and you want everyone to know it.

Here are all of the words you know: mommy, daddy, Carter, eat, bite, yummy, night night, pappy, grammy, granny, granddad, backpack, walk, bath, tickle, hello, bye bye, baby, play, please, thank you, honk, ear, nose, up, no, yes, and I know there are even more that I can’t think of right now. You also like to talk in complete sentences and sometimes even paragraphs though no one knows what you are saying. You just go at it a mile a minute and then look at us like we’re stupid because we didn’t understand you.

You still adore your big brother and follow him around and laugh at him constantly. If you see him doing something you just have to try it out yourself. Even when he’s climbing on something. Especially when he’s climbing on something.

Everywhere we go people comment on how beautiful you are and how smart you are because of all your talking. I am also constantly told what a good baby you are. It’s all true. You love it when I let you stand in the basket at the store and you talk and wave to people as they pass by. Very few people are able to resist your charms and usually end up smiling or talking back to you. If someone is standing any where near you and is not looking at you or smiling at you, you seem to take it as a challenge to get their attention.

Although you are my sweet little angel, you do constantly occasionally push the boundaries and continue whatever you are doing even after I’ve said ‘no.’ When you continue to disregard my direction and I raise my voice a little or use my very stern “mommy voice” you usually just fall to pieces. It’s almost as if you are saying, “oh, why are you fussing at ME? What could I have possibly done to deserve such treatment.”

I’m afraid you are going to be quite the little drama queen. You already are.

I never knew I had the capacity to love the way I love you and Carter. I want your happiness more than I want my own.

Love always,

Mommy

My bags are packed (almost) and my reservations are made. I’ll be heading out in a few hours to fly way too far away from my family for work. Yes, I am actually going to do some work. I even had to buy big girl shoes for the event – something I haven’t done in I don’t know how long. I haven’t been anywhere lately where flip-flops just wouldn’t be acceptable.

This will be the first time I’ve been away from my kids for three whole nights and the first time I’ll be so far away. I’ll near Oakland, California so watch the news. If there is a major earthquake there and you never hear back from me, you know what happened. That’s pretty morbid, isn’t it? I have all kinds of irrational fears about leaving. Most of them revovle around earthquakes and never seeing my family again. Sigh. I really need to chill.

Anyway, I am finally looking forward to being away for a few days, even it is for work. I really like what I do and enjoy being with a live classroom full of people so it should be fun. And who knows, maybe I’ll even sneak away to the movies in the evening!

I expect to have internet access at hotel California so look for more posts over the next fews days as I’ll actually have time to write.

Peace Out. (i wanted that to be the last thing I wrote in case my plane crashes.)

Peace Out.

Nice. When you are the parent of a child or children who joined your family through adoption, this is just exactly what you want to read about in the news.

Alright. Enough is enough. I am turning into a little old lady who does nothing but talk about the weather and complain about her health. Right now, I could even use a walker.

First, my stinkin’ tooth started bothering me so i had to schedule a root canal.

Second, Gracey tried to claw my eye out and I couldn’t see out of my right eye for a good week and it’s still a little fuzzy.

Third, I threw my back out this morning lifting Gracey from her high chair.

On top of that, it has rained every day for the last 2 months except for maybe 5 days.

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

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