My Ebenezer

I’m going to tell you a story that will outrage you. If it doesn’t outrage you, it should. I have a very strong opinion (surprise surprise) and I’m not going to hold back. If you are a birth mother or first mother or other mother and you stumble across this blog, I hope you will see this as an isolated incident. It certainly doesn’t describe my feelings for first mothers in general, just this one particular one.

It’s going to take a while to get through the whole thing so bear with me.

Because of the way we chose to adopt (through foster care), I didn’t get the privelege of working walking through the ordeal with a birth mom who made a loving decision for her child. I can not imagine how excrutiating that must be; there are a multitude of reasons why adoption is the best option for a child but the one I’m going to talk about here is just plain wierd.

Let me preface this story by telling I believe this child is right where he needs to be. Adoption was the best choice for this boy but not for the reasons his birthparents gave. And yes, I am calling htem birthparents rather than the more politically correct “first parents” because i think they are screwed up. I am hesitant to call anyone “parent” who would consider doing this to their child.

So here goes. (now that I have built it up so much you’re probably going to expect more. ha ha) The story is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Part 1: The adoption

John and Jane Doe (sorry that’s all the creativity I’ve got tonight) got a call from their agency telling them about a 15 month old little boy who needed a new family. The facts surrounding the adoption were a little strange, the couple told the agency they wanted to place him for adoption “because they were getting a divorce and were going to be on the road ministering” and a host of other excuses. Yes, i am sticking with the word “excuses” here because anyone who wants to convince me that God is calling them to put their 15 month old child up for adoption so they can go on the road “ministering” is not ministering in the name of the God I serve.

They did say that they considered putting him up for adoption before he was born but decided they would “give parenting a try”. They told the agency that their decision for adoption was firm and they had no family resources and wanted to place immediately.

The Doe’s spoke with the couple on a Tuesday and traveled to their state to meet them on Thursday. They had their son, we’ll call him Adam, put on a dog and pony show, trying to impress the Doe’s with how cute he was. Jane says it was a little uncomfortable and they were worried the Doe’s would not like Adam. In fact, they wanted the Doe’s to keep Adam for the weekend - this is before any paperwork is signed. Wisely, they refused until paperwork was in place. They signed the papers and “released” them on Monday. (not sure what that means) Although they wanted a private adoption, they agreed to an agency adoption so their rights would be terminated the moment they signed because they wanted to Doe’s to bond immediately with Adam and not worry about the birth parents changing their minds.

I found it strange that although the birth parents took Adam to various church friends to say goodbye (their “church” is a gathering of people who meet in different homes) but then told the Doe’s to get out of town immediately because they didn’t want anyone they knew to ask questions.

A week after the placement, the birth parents called the agency to thank them and told them that although the Doe’s were interested in an open adoption, they wanted no contact because it would be too hard. Jane gave them an email address in case they changed their minds.

I don’t know about you, but I find the circumstances around the adoption very suspicious. I mean, who up and decides to place their 15 month old up for adoption and lists as one of their reasons that they will be on the road “ministering”? I know that the family did not have stable living arrangements and perhaps that all factored into it, but seriously? You have NO RESOURCES to help you keep your 15 month old if you really want him? With all of hte public agencies out there? With your church friends? I’m not buying it. Something about it screams freaky religious fanatic who interprets the Bible to meet their needs. Can you tell the whole thing ticks me off? I’m so grateful that Adam is now Adam Doe and believe that he is right where he belongs. I just have the ickiest feeling about these birth parents.

Especially since they are now saying they want him back.

More to come.

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I’m really struggling with the whole self disclosure thing. I mean, I am so proud of the way we created our family and really like to share the story. It is an amazing journey of God’s Grace and provision and makes a wonderful testimony. I like to tell it. And I’m a big talker. You’d be amazed at how quickly it comes up in conversation, especially with Isaac.

“Are you breastfeeding?” - that’s easy to answer without the grand revelation
“Did you carry him low?” - um, no. I didn’t carry him at all.
“Did you have a bad labor?” - Actually, it was excrutiating. It lasted 6 days and I thought my heart would burst from the pain.
“How much did Nathan weigh when he was born?” I really don’t know - I have the information but I can’t remember.
“was it hard going from one to two kids?” Don’t know. It was hard going from none to two.
“Did Nathan sleep through the night easily like Emma and Isaac?” I don’t know. I wasn’t there.

And many more. I don’t want to lie but I also don’t want the kids to hear me discussing it with strangers. Because once you reveal the adoption, there are lots of questions. Questions I LOVE to answer. But people say things without realizing how inappropriate they are in front of the kids:
“I just can’t imagine a mother not wanting her child.”
“Wow, how does a mom give up her child at 2 years old?”
“I’ll never understand how parents can be so cruel their little ones”
“that birthmom should really be in jail for what she did”
“What about the dad?”
“What is his mom’s story?”

those last two really irritate me when asked in front of the kids. “Their dad lives with us and is a wonderful father. Mom? I have a great story if you’d like to hear it.”

I know people mean well. It’s just frustrating when they say stupid things in front of my children. Especially Nathan who hears and absorbs EVERYTHING.

Sigh.

Regular domestica adoption is a beautiful thing and often comes along with beautiful stories. We also have a beautiful story; but Foster Care adoption is more complicated. Their are more pieces to the puzzle that are just sometimes difficult to explain. And when you have a mouth like mine, it is especially difficult. :D :D :D :D

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In bed at 7pm, Speedy was asleep by 7:20! Woo Hoo! That is the earliest he’s fallen asleep in a looooong time. Good for him. He really needed it. Emma came to see what we were doing in the den about 8. Sigh. At least she didn’t wake Nathan up, right?

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Without too much reinforcement, Emma never got out of bed and Nay only got out once. The rule for today was that he had to have his head on his pillow since he was up so late last night. He really did a great job and told me that he wouldn’ thave to have a nap tomorrow because he’d be staying in bed tonight. LOL. We’ll see.

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One of my favorite parenting books is “Parenting with Love and Logic.” It just makes sense. ha.

Anyway, Nathan is old enough for prolonged logical consequences and Emma will occasionally make the connection. This whole getting out of bed thing needs to be stopped so here’s my game plan. (so you can all laugh when it doesn’t work)

When the kids got up today, I started off by telling them that mommy was feeling very grumpy and had just a tiny bit of patience. (we often comment about the size of my patience so they know what this means) I explianed that I was feeling this way because my two sweet kids kept getting out of bed last night and I am just exhausted from trying to get them to go to sleep.

At this point, Nathan gives me the, “uh oh” look. LOL

Nathan: Can we have pancakes for breakfast?
Me: oh. that sounds soooo yummy! I wish we could have pancakes!
Nathan: We can! We Can! YOU can make them mommy!
Me: oh. Well, I wish I had the energy to make them. I’m just so tired from trying to get you guys to sleep last night. All I have the energy for today is cereal.
Nathan: Awww!

after he ate breakfast, nathan came up to me on the couch:

Nathan: Mommy. I’m going to wash my hands and then I’m going to come and sit on your lap and give you lovin’.
Me: I’d realy like that
Nathan: Just when you finish your cereal that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give you ALLLLLL my lovins.
Me: I like your lovin!
Nathan: I’m giving it allll to you so you can have more patience and not be so grumpy
Me: Well. I sure like your lovin’ and it will help me be less grumpy, but it’s going to take more than lovin to get mommy to not be so worn out.
Nathan:What?
Me: If you and Emma play nice and don’t fuss today, that will help me. AND, if you follow mommy’s directions the FIRST time, that would really help me not feel so tired. I might even be able to go for a walk later.
Nathan: A WALK? (getting excited)
Me: yes. But most of all, what will help me not be tired and grumpy tomorrow is if you and Emma stay in your beds tonight and at nap time today.
Nathan: I will. I will. I will stay in my bed foreva and eva at night night time. But not nap time. then I’ll just stay on my sleeping bag.
Me: Today, you will have a nap time in your bed, not just a rest a time.
Nathan: But…
Me: I don’t have the energy to argue with you.
Nathan: awww, man.

And finally….in the playroom a dispute over a toy erupted.

Me: kids, work it out
Nathan: she’s taking it… blah blah blah
Emma: he’s blah blah blah
Me: I’m going to count to five and if you aren’t playing nicely then you’ll each go to your beds to rest. One. two……five. And they are still arguing. Okay, to your beds.
Nathan: No. I will NOT sleep!
Emma: (mimicking nathan) I NO sleep!
Me: since you need some practice staying in your beds when mommy and daddy tell you to, that’s what you’ll be doing today if you fuss with each other. Mommy is just too tired to deal with the fussing today.
Nathan: But I don’t want to be in my bed…. (crying)
Emma: (fake crying) No be in my bed
Me: You both have to stay in bed for 10 minutes. After you ahve rested for ten minutes, maybe you’ll be able to play nicely together.

Emma got out of bed twice and Nathan only once. We dealt with it and they stayed for ten minutes and nwo they are back up. They are both exhausted. It’s going to be an interesting day. I feel sorry for Emma because I really don’t think she can put it all together the way Nay does. He knows exactly what is happening today and why. Emma knows she went to her bed for being ugly to Nay, but has no idea it all started last night. Oh well, she’s just along for the ride. Hopefully Nathan is getting it and it will make a difference at bedtime tonight. If I can get him to quit playing along, I have other options with Emma.

Guess we won’t be venturing out too far today.

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So we cracked down on them and told them it was time to stay in bed and close their eyes. They each looked up at us with wide eyes and nodded. Yes m’am. Yes sir.

So daddyo and I went into the hall bathroom to wait. Not even a full minute after being put back into bed, here comes Emma running down the hall and freezes in front of the bathroom. “Hi. (waving sweetly) What ya’ll doing in here guys?” We just stared at her, we dared not speak for fear of cracking up laughing. “I just uv you soooo much.” As she closed and locked the bathroom door.

Once shut, we both cracked up. Did our toddler just banish us to the bathroom so she wouldn’t have to go to sleep? Daddyo said, “what do we do now?” I told him I had no clue. Some of you may be jumping at the bit to share ideas of what would have worked in the situation. Here’s a list of things that did not work: positive reinforcement, threats, loss of pappy, loss of security items, loss of everything but covers and pillow, spanking, doors closed, hallway lights off, duct tape…. okay, just kidding on that last one. But seriously, NOTHING was working.

So it’s 9pm and they have managed to stay in their rooms for about 5 minutes. Perhaps they are so tired now they will just pass out. All of you who know me IRL are cracking up, I know. Us, the ones with the kids who always go to bed early….. right.

Sigh. They’re just so darn cute.

EDITED TO ADD: Ok, so nathan finally decides to stay in bed so as not to get into more trouble. So imagine my surprise when I hear him calling for me. As I get closer, I hear, “I’m going to tel mom. MOMMY! Emma is….Mommy!” I knew he didn’t want her to get in trouble but was weighing whether or not it was worth getting in trouble himself. I flipped the light on in his room and there was a strange lump under his covers. Emma was sitting up but had pulled all the covers over her head so that I wouldn’t be able to see her.

So cute. Yet so not cute.

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Friends who know me IRL all call me the “sleep Nazi”. My kids are in bed before anyone else’s and are usually asleep very early. “usually” being the key word in that sentence.

Since Emma has gotten used to her big girl bed and they sometimes are sent to bed at the same time; or Emma is still awake when Nathan goes to bed….. they have taken to playing together. It’s amazing how well they get along when they are both supposed to be in bed. No one makes the other cry. Amazing.

They have already been warned once tonight and both had just an animal and one pappy (Emma) left in bed as their prized possessions. They were both told that feet touching the floor would mean the immediate removal of the other prized possessions.

They. Don’t. Care.

We could hear them giggling from the den and the hall light went on. I couldnt’ tell what they were saying but as I was walking to the hallway, the light went off and i heard, ” hurry.. hurry…” LOL As I rounded the corner the giggling and warnings intensified. I looked straight at both of them in Nathan’s bed; Emma pulling the covers up over her head and Nathan climbing in. I looked at both of their eyeballs.

And then I turned around and walked away so i could laugh. It is so cute to see them being so sweet but they really need to go to sleep. But they are so darn cute. As I’m telling Daddyo what happened, I hear Emma tell Nathan in a very excited voice, “Mommy no see us! Mommy no see us!”

I really need to invest in a video monitor. I wouldn’t use it for Isaac at this point, I’d use for Nathan and Emma.

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I want so badly to write a letter to BM and BF. Not to ridicule or condemn or even judge them. Just to ask them to do what’s right for Isaac. It’s something I feel in my heart that I need to do; something I should do. I can’t tell if it is God’s prompting or just my own selfish desire to finalize this adoption faster. I need to pray about it. Anyway… I have to write something so for now I’ll just write it here.

Dear BM,
I can’t begin to imagine the hell you are going through right now so I will just say I am truly sorry for your pain. You love Isaac and want what is best for him. I know you want him with you and you also want him to be happy and healthy and grow up in a stable, loving environment. No matter what happens, you will always be his first mommy - no one can ever take that away from you. If he could, I think he’d tell you not to worry. That he’s okay and happy and loves being with his big brother and sister. He’d tell you that he loves you and he understands if you can’t care for him right now.
BM, you told me just before Isaac was born that you felt like God was giving you a second chance. I think you were right about that - you do have a second chance to do right by your child. One day he will ask about his beginning; he’ll want to know about you and BF and why things started out the way they did. If he is with me, I will tell him that you love him with all your heart; that you wanted to keep him more than anything. I believe you want to do all of the things required in order to get him back; sometimes drugs grab a hold of a person and make it impossible to do the thing he/she wants to do. I can’t imagine what kind of daily battle that must be and how hard it is on you. If he is with me, I would love to be able to tell him that as much as you wanted him, you knew in your heart of hearts that at that time in your life you weren’t able to parent him. That even though it broke your heart into a million pieces, you did right by him by choosing to let him go. It’s the best gift you can give him if completing the CPS plan is not going to work out.
You know, I have pictures of you with Speedy and Princess that they’ll be able to see one day. Speedy even has a book with a picture of you when you were pregnant with him. They each have some items that you guys brought to visits, including toys Speedy had before he came to live with us. Isaac doesn’t have any of that. He has no picture of you holding him like Princess does. He has no picture of him riding on BF’s shoulders like Speedy does. Knowing all of the details of your situation, I believe if he could talk he would ask you to let him go. To give him the gift of stability. To set him free for adoption.

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So I forgot to mention another thing the DA said to the BF:

(after much questioning and proof of no action being taken on his part to comply with CPS)
DA: Do you even want to be a father? Because if you don’t, we can take care of that today. Right now.
BF: I DIDN’T SAY THAT!
DA: You don’t have to say it, your actions have spoken for you.

OUCH!

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do I go to the mall on a Saturday?

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