My Ebenezer

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ADHD is a disease. It is an illness that affects (or is it effects?) too many children today. It’s hard to know how to best parent this child – when and how to discipline what behaviors. For those who don’t understand this, imagine disciplining your child for not knowing his/her multiplication tables when he/she is 4 years old. Doesn’t make sense – you can’t possibly expect them to know that at such a young age. In the same way, there are some things that a child with ADHD simply cannot do at an age where other kids are thriving in that area.

For example, off of meds, Carter is not capable of sitting down in a group and following directions addressed to everyone. He can’t do it. I’m not sure if it is a matter of not being able to put the steps together or of just not processing what the teacher has said. I’m not saying he can NEVER do it, just that the norm for him is to not be able to do it.

As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to watch him struggle. While I love him dearly and completely and think he is an amazing kid with a wonderful zest for life, I am not naive enough to believe that everyone will see him that way. We have been fairly lucky with our teachers thus far; they have mostly adored him and gone the extra mile to work with him. I know that won’t always be the case. I can even empathize with the teacher because I know he can be a disruption and requires more time and energy than many other kids. I am asking every teacher who is lucky enough to have him in her/his class to go the extra mile… to do above and beyond what is required.

It’s a fine line I’ll have to walk. Encouraging teachers to use methods that seem to work with him and teaming with them to make sure Carter has the opportunity to thrive. I won’t always agree with how a teacher chooses to work with Carter and I’ll have to be very careful to control my mouth (which you know by now is not one of my character traits). Knowing when to speak up and when to let it go will be crucial to our success. Advocating for Carter will be.. IS an almost daily adventure – one that I am happy to take on. But it is exhausting.

Keeping him on medication is a difficult choice. There is no long term study of the drugs being used on children his age. There aren’t enough studies of how any of the drugs may effect a person long term. Giving him medication that directly impacts his brain and how it functions is scary. There just aren’t many options out there.

Behavior Modification is a term that is used often in the ADHD world and it can go a long way to help manage behaviors at home. But it doesn’t help (at least at this age) in school. It doesn’t help with attention and impulse control. Right now, medication is the only answer for Carter. It makes it possible for him to function in a classroom environment. It makes it possible for him to have more control over his behavior at home.

I HATE that the meds seem to dampen his spirits a little. We don’t see as much of that infectious laugh and beautiful smile that we used to see. It’s as if he’s lost a little of his “zest for life”. It breaks my heart to see his very personality change but at this point it is necessary. It’s the only way. When I mentioned this to one of the psychiatrists, she responded by telling me two things that have stuck with me. 1) “if he were born with this personality, this “new Carter”, you wouldn’t love him any differently than you do now. If you had never seen that outgoing, enthusiastic over everything Carter, you would still love him completely.” That helped me process it differently. 2)”he has to learn to conform to society because society will not conform to him.” That statement really impacted me.

Right now, we are in the midst of deciding whether or not to start him in Kindergarden in the fall. Everyone seems to have the answers except us. ha ha ha There are pros and cons on each side and I hope we make the right decision. I think it will probably come down to which will have the least impact on him.

Pros of holding him back:
gives him another year to mature and learn to adapt in the classroom
gives him a chance to be closer in physcial stature with kids in his class (he is on the bottom of the chart right now)
gives me another year with more time at home with him (remember, I missed the first two years)

Cons of holding him back:
he could be very bored once he gets to kindergarden
there will be only a year between him and Gracey in school (not sure this is really a con)

See. You can tell which way I am leaning. I can’t think of enough cons to justify putting him in school next year. I will be talking with his teacher and her input will weigh heavily in this decision. I don’t know that we will make the best decision for Carter. I do know we will make the best decision we can and only time will tell if it was right.

I wish I knew someone here with a child Carter’s age who is also struggling with ADHD. It would help to bounce ideas off of someone who “gets it”. Regardless of how well-meaning family and friends are on this topic, it’s one of those things you just can’t understand unless you are there.

So it’s off to find more books, more literature, more stories, more facts.

ADHD sucks.

The only resolution I am making this year is to blog more often again. Not for the three people who still read it (ha ha ha) but because I like to journal our life.

Life is…. BUSY. I say that with that happiest heart and with a joyful smile. I really enjoy the busy of parenting three kids, even when most days I don’t get to sit down for more than a few minutes at a time during the day. It never fails. As soon as I sit down to check the calendar, send an email or blog… someone needs something. Reaching a toy that is way up high, putting a toy away that belongs up high… hold on ….okay sorry about that. I had to put a toy away and get another for Gracey. See? I told you.

My laptop stays on the kitchen counter so I can check email throughout the day and respond when necessary. Sometimes it may take me an hour to finish it but it eventually gets done. It is crazy, busy, sometimes chaotic but mostly fun. I don’t always answer the phone when it rings (and I know that irritates some of you ) but sometimes I just can’t get to it. For one thing, when I am playing with the kids I don’t like to stop and answer the phone – I don’t want to send the message that conversations with others is more important than spending time with them. Some people may not get that – and that’s okay, too – but I spend a lot of time tending to Mathew and interrupting my time with them to do just that. And I know that if there is some urgent matter, whoever is on the phone will leave an urgent message or call back.

Oh, and the other thing I don’t like about talking on the phone is the constant interruptions. I feel bad about interrupting the other person to say things like, “i’m sorry, just a minute…” or “hold on please” or “sorry again”. I know it is annoying for others – I remember being annoyed with it before I had kids.

So life is busy. Wonderful, glorious, exhausting and busy. So please bear with me when you don’t hear from me for a while. I write at least 3 posts a day in my head and hopefully more of them will start making it to the computer.

By the way, I’ve tried to set up the blog so I can just email my posts – which would make it easier – but I can’t get it to work. I’ve got all the settings but it just won’t work. If anyone knows how to make it work please let me know!

I laugh when I think of all the details we chronicled with Gracey and Carter. Gracey especially because she had all of her “firsts” with us. I remember videoing every new food we gave her, taking pictures of every stage of crawling and laughing. Taking lots of video of her trying to crawl and sit up. Almost every minute of her life was captured in pictures. Every month except for one we had professional photos taken for the first year.

Mathew? I took him to get pictures made at 2 weeks old, along with Carter and Gracey. I laid him on a black sheet and took pictures of him for his 3 month pics (and they turned out pretty darn good!). At 4 months, I had all three of the kids have their picture made in their Halloween costumes and only bought cards to mail out. He is now 6 months old and we haven’t had his picture taken again; sure, we’ve taken lots of pictures here but none really focusing on him.

I haven’t even done a great job journaling these first months. For instance, he has been “scooting” around on the floor, getting up on all fours and trying to figure out how to crawl. He can sit up now, as long as we get him in position. (he can keep himself up for a few minutes if he has a toy) He started saying Da Da a long time ago, but not specifically for Daddyo. In the last few days, he has started learning to feed himself the little puffs and biter biscuits. In fact, he gets REALLY frustrated when he can’t get them into his mouth and it is absolutely hysterical to watch. He rolls his lips in throws his hands up and then pulls them down, all the while looking up, turning red and giving an exasperated “uhhhhhhhhh”. I really need to catch that on film.

I remember Gracey’s first Christmas – even though it was way past her bedtime, I let her stay up on Christmas Eve to have dinner with the family and sing carols and do gifts at my mother-in-law’s. She was exhausted but playful. (And also running about 102-103 degrees of fever) With Mathew’s first Christmas, I’m planning to get to my mother-in-law’s early enough to give him his last bottle and put him in bed – where I hope he will stay until we leave. He’ll be happy even if he is awake and exhausted, but I’d much rather he get his sleep.

I know our families were excited to see all of the pictures and videos, but I also imagine they are glad it isn’t as overwhelming with Mathew.

Our kids are going to be so excited in the morning – Santa is going to leave them way too many presents. Our plan is to have the kids come into our room first thing in the morning (though there is much concern about Carter going straight to the den) and while they are in bed with Daddyo I will put a little makeup on. (pictures) Once Gracey and Carter are both awake, we’ll go in to see what Santa brought and they will each have one present that is unwrapped and will be able to play with that while we feed Mathew breakfast. Once that is done, we’ll begin the marathon of opening gifts. We’ve already had on Christmas and they both wanted to take everything out and play with it as soon as they opened it. I’m hoping they’ll want to do that again and we’ll just let them take their time. I’m embarrassed to say they could be opening presents all day at that rate.

Later in the morning, GrannyJ is coming and will have more presents! Then, we’ll have lunch and my parents will join us. After lunch, I hope we can all take naps but I’m not really expecting that to happen.

On the menu tomorrow is fried turkey, bacon wrapped green beans (add butter and brown sugar), corn maque choux (not the exact recipe I use), salad and rolls. Oh, and I made fudge and mom made magic cookie bars. (one of my favorite desserts growing up)

So, there you have it. Mathew’s first Christmas has officially been documented.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

If you happen to be one of those people who believe it is wrong to let your kids believe in Santa, stop reading now. If you read any further, be warned that I am going to unapollegetically offend you. And since you have been warned, I don’t care if I offend you.

I overheard someone talking the other day about how she “just didn’t feel right” lying to her kids about Santa. So she never let them believe. She thought it was wrong for people to let their kids believe in Santa. WHATEVER! Are you freakin’ kidding me? Do you remember what it was like as a child on Christmas Eve when you went to bed knowing that Santa and his reindeer would be landing on your roof and delivering your presents? I still remember the magic. I wasn’t scarred for life when I discovered the truth.

Children have that blind faith for such a short time….it’s a shame to keep them from believing in the magic. Christmas isn’t just about Santa – it’s about something much bigger than Santa. The birth of Jesus Christ IS magical….it’s a gift like no other. I think the whole Santa thing helps kids understand the anticipation. I realize that they are anticipating Santa rather than Jesus but they know that something magical is happening. Something big. There is no other time like it in the year and they do get that. When we talk about presents with Carter and Gracey, we always ask them why Santa brings us presents at Christmas time. And they almost always say something to the effect of, “because God gave us the BEST gift, Jesus.”

I get that people want their kids to focus on Jesus during Christmas. I just don’t think “taking Santa away” will accomplish that. Without Santa, they just get gifts from family members… instead of getting gifts from someone who is always watching us and who loves us. I like the opportunity to share with Carter and Gracey that while Santa usually brings us toys at Christmas, God gives us gifts all the time. Family, friends, food on the table, rain, sunshine, etc…. It’s also easier for them to grasp that they better “be good” because Santa is watching than it is to grasp that God is always watching and wants us to “be good” out of obedience to Him. It’s easy to tell the story and still keep the magic alive. I don’t understand why anyone would want to steal that from their children?

I’m just rambling now, but I’ll end with this: if you are one of those people who don’t want your kids to believe in Santa then keep your kids away from my kids. Because if they ruin the secret for my kids, I’m going to be seriously pissed.

If you aren’t familiar with “Elf on the Shelf”, visit your local Halmark shop and purchase one for next year. The elf comes with a book explaining what the elf does. He sticks around during the day to watch behavior and then flies to the North Pole every night to give Santa a report. When he returns, he always lands in a different place so the kids get to find him when they wake up. Our elf’s name is ‘Bob’.

They are very interested in how he moves around at night and it’s fun to remind them “Bob” is watching when their behavior is less than desirable.

On another note, Santa has already stopped by our house and left behind a plethera of presents and stocking stuffers for the kids. We are all set so all I have to do on Christmas Eve is take everything out and put it under the tree. Woo HOO!

Catching up on photos! It’s hard to get pictures of Carter these days and when you do, you are likely to get the “fake” smile that all kids eventually find. I was expecting that. However, I was not expecting my sweet boy to be holding on to his junk in the pics I took the night of his program. Maybe he had to pee?

Carter has been working very hard at school with his class on a Christmas program. It was tonight. They sang about 5-6 songs and it was all very cute. His teachers have been telling me what a great job he’s done during the rehearsals, standing so tall and proud and singing. I wondered if he would do the same with an audience.

He got on stage and started looking for us right away. Every time he’d see us he’d laugh and kind of look away like he was being shy. And then the singing started. Oh, wait. Before the singing started Grammy went up closer to take his picture and as soon as she did, he ducked down. For some reason, he does everything he can to keep her from taking his picture these days.

Anyway, so the singing began. As soon as it did, Carter stepped over to his right and stood immediately behind a girl who was significantly larger than him. We barely saw him throughout the whole thing. He would peek around her to see if we were watching and then duck back behind her again. He must have been messing with her a little because at one point, she turned around and yelled, “STOP!” I almost peed my pants. Between songs, he mysteriously disappeared and I noticed the kids standing around him were all looking down and there was this hole in the middle of the group were Carter should have been standing. Still don’t know what he was doing then.

In the truck coming home, we talked about what a great job he did and how proud we are of him…. and then he said, “did you see me?” We said yes, we saw you and he said, “no you didn’t.” I asked him what he meant and he said, “you didn’t see me because I was hiding behind that girl.” When I asked him why he said, “because I didn’t want you to see me!” It was funny. I thought maybe he was nervous with all the people so I asked if he liked seeing so many people in the audience. His response? “I liked seeing you, mommy.”

So not only do I have the best husband and family ever… I also have the best friends ever. the same friend who let me wear her smokin’ hot dress bought a Wii Fit and gave it to me for Christmas. How’s that for rockin’ friends?

Back before i got my Wii, Laura told me she’d buy a Wii Fit if I bought a Wii…. it was a joke (at least I thought it was) but it did put the idea of getting a Wii into my head. And I’m a tech junkie anyway so any kind of vid game is exciting to me.

So Wii Fit is a fun game. My legs are even a little sore today. Daddyo got on it tonight and I set him up with a profile and then it got to the part where it gives you your “wii fit” age. Astonishingly, it told me I was the same Wii Fit age as my actual age. It went on to say that I must be in shape – which is confusing because it had already calculated my BMI and knew that I was obese. Anyway…. it told Bri that his Wii Fit age was almost TEN YEARS older than his actual age. He said he didn’t want anymore to do with it after that.

Then he came by here just a minute ago and stood on the wii fit board. He looked at me with a serious face and said, “I wonder if they have a game that….”

So what do YOU think daddyo wanted a game for?

And by the way, Carter, although there is almost nothing more precious than the sound of your voice singing Christmas carols, the words are not: “Deck the halls and deck the balls”

And Mathew, you are the cutest baby in the whole world. I love that flirty, “awww shucks…” smile you give when you know someone is watching. I love that one of your favorite things is watching yourself in the mirror and laughing. I don’t so much love the getting up on all fours and rocking – please stop immediately.

And Gracey, just so you don’t feel left out…. hugging mommy’s leg and saying, “I’m sawwy, mommy” everytime you do something wrong will not always get you off the hook. And if you can poop on the potty for a piece of candy, you can do it ALL THE TIME!

I hate it when my kids are sick. The younger they are, the worse it is, i think. Poor little Mathew has been sick for a few days with a nasty cough and some wheezing. On Tuesday, I took him to see the doctor and he put Mathew on some medication. I wanted to take Mathew to the ER last night but decided to wait and see if he was any better this morning. He wasn’t. I took him to the doctor who sent us to the ER. (after diagnosing Carter with bronchitis)

Everyone takes their kid to the ER at one point or another so it’s no big deal, right? Unless it is your child. I have taken Gracey to the ER twice and have taken her a handful of times to have various xrays and tests. Included in that regimen was her having to get catherized TWICE to get a urine sample. I write all of this to explain that I am not easily bothered by this kind of stuff. I’m not easily phased by the ER or various procedures. I didn’t even flinch when I held Gracey down so they could get the urine sample. I hated that it hurt her, but it was necessary and would make her better in the long run so I was fine with it.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO ME? I knew when I left my house this morning that I would be taking Mathew to the ER. I even called my mom to see if she was available to watch the other two when i took him – just in case. I was not at all surprised when the doctor told me he was sending us to the ER.

SO WHY DID I CRY ALL THE WAY HOME? I was a blubbering idiot all the way back to my house to get some papers and meet Daddyo. Thankfully, my mom had already come over to my side of town just in case I needed her. She stayed with Carter while Daddyo and I took Mathew to the hospital.

While there, they explained three steps they would take to try and get his breathing under control – each step escalating a bit. From what they said, if we got to the third step we’d be there overnight. The first step didn’t work. The second step was for the Respiratory Therapist to use this industrial strength suctioner thing to get all the boogers out of his nose and face. i’m not even kidding. He came in and showed me the little tube he’d have to stick up Mathew’s nose and my knees went a little weak. Not because I didn’t want to see it but because i knew it would hurt him. When he said it wasn’t uncommon to see a little blood with this, I told them all I’d be waiting in the hall.

Daddyo stayed to help hold Mathew down and I ran. I went all the way around the “block” of the ER floor and could still hear him wailing. So I left the ER. I had to go all the way out the big heavy door to not hear him cry and pretend he wasn’t. When I tell you that my heart aches when he cries, I mean it is physically painful when he is really crying. I can’t stand it. I knew if I stayed in that room they’d have to comfort me as much as they did him.

I saw the RT come out of the room and I knew they were done so i went back. By the time I got back to the room he was completely settled down. And he could breathe soooooo much easier. So it was all worth it. But it really sucked. ha ha

It got me thinking. I know that God’s heart aches when we are hurting. No matter how much we are hurting, He will never step out of the room – He will always stay with us and hold us close.

Although my husband is the most considerate, selfless, understanding and loving man I have ever known, he is not the reason I feel like the luckiest wife today. (though, I am lucky to have married the best husband)

I’m lucky – blessed really – because along with my husband came his mom, my MIL. “Granny” is a gift from God. I hear so many horror stories of in-laws and how many wives really struggle with their relationship with their MILs. She is a very special part of our lives and touches my heart with the way she loves to spend time with my kids.

She watches the kids when I’m working or when I’m sick. Or when she just wants to have them over for a while. And she never allows me to feel like I’m imposing or asking her for a favor. She makes me feel as though I am doing her a favor by giving her more time with the kids and keeping her busy. I can’t tell you how much that means to me – I so often feel like I’m taking advantage of her and she is constantly reassuring me and thanking me for the time she has with them.

It’s hard to explain how much help she is to us. Last week, I was sick with a nasty cold and went to bed super early. Daddyo called his mom to see if she might be able to help out a little in the morning and she was here by 6am so she could take the kids as soon as they woke up. She got them dressed and fed them breakfast and then took them to her house so I could sleep in. I called to go and get them when I woke but she wanted to have them stay there so i could just take it easy.

Both times that Daddyo has gone out of town recently, she has come over to eat dinner with us and stayed to help bathe the kids and get them in bed. That extra set of hands in the evening makes life so much easier. Today, she called this morning to see if she could take the kids to school since she was getting out anyway to run errands. She told me she’d like to pick them up as well.

It helps that she lives just 3 minutes from us – I know that makes is possible for her to do more and be around more. I’m just so blessed to have this close. When she’s with the kids, she is really with them. She’s on the floor playing trucks with Carter or babies with Gracey. They are making cookies from scratch or mud pies in the back yard. She does fun things with them that I often do not have the patience for. They have a very special relationship with their Granny.

We are blessed to have three grandmothers in our life and they are all very special. They all adore the kids and the kids ADORE them. I wish they all lived close enough to pop in for an hour to play a game of hide and go seek.

Having three kids under the age of 5 comes with a lot of challenges. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had and i feel like I rarely get to sit and just do nothing. But I wouldn’t change any of it for all the money in the world. We could care for and raise and love and adore our kids without any extra help – but it’s so much better to have those extra hands and extra hearts. Our kids are blessed to be able to have real relationships with all of their grandmas.

See? I told you I was the lucky one.

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

Adoption

• Our adoption story from beginning to end