My Ebenezer

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Gracey had a fantastic birthday yesterday. When I went to get her out of bed, she stood up and gave me a big hug and I said, “happy birthday, princess Gracey!” She hugged me tightly and said, “Oh thank you, mommy!” I thought it was cute that all day long she remembered to say ‘thank you’ whenever anyone wished her Happy Day. (mostly without any prompting)

She got to have a pink cupcake for breakfast because that is what she wanted. At our house, you get what you want on your birthday (within reason). So off we all went to the grocery store at 7:30am to find her a pink cupcake. Nevermind that she had on a camoflauge shirt, santa pj bottoms and red jacket. Carter had on plaid Christmas pj pants, some random t-shirt with his motorcycle jacket AND his cowboy boots – with pants tucked in. I’m sure I didn’t look much better but hopefully slightly more put together than the kids.

We played a lot yesterday and Gracey got to choose cartoons, etc. To end the day, we went to chili’s for dinner and had them sing Happy Birthday to her – complete with chocolate molten cake (which is to die for)! When they approached the table and shouted to the restaurant “it’s Gracey’s birthday and she is turning 3 so help us sing to her!” There were a bunch of people singing, including Gracey and she was also clapping and smiling. I whispered to her to remember to thank them for the cake and when they were done singing she screamed “THANK YOU!” and everyone around us said in unison “awwwwww”! It was adorable.

She was truly “Queen for a Day”

And I can not believe she is three years old.

For photos of the big day, click on the ‘Photos’ link at the top of the page. That’s where photos will be from now on.

Tonight is the night. We’ve been “talking up” the “pappy fairy” to Gracey for several weeks now and tonight she will stop in to collect all of Gracey’s pappies. Except for one. A pink envelope containing a gift certificate for Build-a-bear is left on the table. We’ll go tomorrow morning and Gracey will get to make a bear and put her favorite pappy inside the bear. Hopefully, this will comfort her when she goes to sleep tomorrow because now that we’ve talked it up so much, there is no going back.

Comfort. That’s all the pacifier represents for Gracey. It’s not that she has to have it, she just wants it because it comforts her when she’s going to sleep. It’s not good for her but I know it’s hard to let it go.

Each of has a “pappy”. Hopefully, it isn’t actually a pacifier but some other comfort item or habit that isn’t great for us but is just too hard to let go of. If you could have the Pappy Fairy visit your home, what would you like her to take away? What if you could stuff it in a bear?

It’s a strange feeling, trying to decide which pictures to send to the drug addicted girl who gave birth to all three of my children. It’s not that I find it difficult deciding what she would like see but what she wouldn’t. I know many people have difficulty understanding this “relationship” and how I feel about it. Regardless of all the horrific choices she has made I have to believe that she still loves my children. Her children. Our children.

I can not imagine the pain of not seeing Carter’s smiling face or hearing his infectious laugh. My day wouldn’t be complete without Gracey crawling into my lap for some snuggle time. My arms would ache if I were not able to hold Mathew up on my chest and rock him to sleep. She chose to lose all of that and her loss is my gain. But don’t you think she suffers? I do.

So I’m looking through photos and trying to decide which ones to send her. Trying to decide what I should tell her about their lives. I’ve updated her before but she usually gets the updates from GrannyJ. Biomom and Biodad are not together anymore so unless that changes, she will be able to email me (anonymously) to request photos and updates. And I’m happy to provide them…but it’s a wierd feeling.

In other news, I am officially writing a book. Hold me to that. So I need two things: a name for the book and a name for myself because no way am I letting anyone I know read it. Brits, you are the person pushing for this so I expect full participation.

AND, I am giving myself a deadline. It has to be finished before I die.

Grace is a funny thing.

Birthmom emailed me this week to ask for pictures of the kids and to see how they were doing. She also wrote to them, “I know I probably shouldn’t have let the courts take you but I was only thinking of what is best for you.” I can’t help but wonder if she is truly delusional or just trying to paint a prettier picture. I’m grateful that she expresses her gratitude towards us for loving the kids and taking good care of them – not because I need her to thank me but because I want her to see how happy they are. In this email she refers to us as their “parents” which floored me.

When I think of how her choices have hurt my children it makes me physically ill but I still have this special place in my heart for her. Maybe it’s crazy but I can’t stop it. When I want to respond to her with anything less than kindness and grace I am reminded that without her poor choices, my children would not be with me.

It’s not my place to judge her, condemn her or belittle her. One day my children may want to meet the woman who gave birth to them and I want to do what I can to keep that door open. I hope and pray that if any of my babies choose to walk through it, I will have layed a foundation that at least gives them the option of letting me walk through it with them.

The choices we make today determine where we are tomorrow.

Before court on Wednesday, I met my caseworker’s supervisor – we’ll call her idiot, um, I mean Shari. You can probably guess what I think of her. On June 19, 2008, when we finally got to bring Mathew home, I posted several times trying to keep up with all that was happening. I remember this moment so vividly and I wanted to just SCREAM.

I can’t remember if I called the investigator back or if I waited patiently (ha ha) for her to call me back after that appointment – when she took custody of Mathew. I do remember asking if we could come and get him and her telling me that she was talking to her supervisor about it. They call it “staffing” a case. She let me know that there was a policy that said they had to place a child in the same county if possible. She called me again to say that her superivisor, Shari, said she had to place in the county and could not place with us. It was too far.

My heart stopped. My blood began to boil. I knew something they didn’t…. Mathew has been ours from the very beginning and this woman was standing between me and my child. I asked the investigator if I could speak with the supervisor, if it would help for me to talk to her. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Shari, please place Mathew with us. We have his biological siblings and he deserves the chance to be with them if he can’t be with his birthparents
Shari: We are supposed to place him in our county first, if at all possible and we have a family ready to come and get him
Me: I am ready to come and get him, too. Isn’t the state supposed to try and keep siblings together?
Shari: yes, but unfortunately you live 3 hours away and I’m not comfortable placing him here
Me: Shari, we will do ANYTHING to cooperate with the state so this can happen. I will drive there every week for visits without complaint. I will be there twice a week if you need me to. Whatever you need me to do, I will do. I will sign papers saying we will be supportive…ANYTHING
Shari: We have to place him with someone who is able to meet his needs immediately
Me: I can be there in 2 1/2 hours, isn’t keeping siblings together worth waiting 2 1/2 hours? I thought we would be contacted first since we have the siblings?
Shari: the only “kinship” placements we try to make are ones the birthparents name at the time of removal. You weren’t named
Me: But we do have the siblings. We have a relationship with the paternal grandparents and they visit us regularly and spend time with the kids. DOesn’t Mathew deserve the chance to know his birthfamily?
Shari: You talk like there is no chance of reunification, what will you do if he gets to go home?
Me: (he WILL be home if you just place him with us) Have you reviewed their file? the old file from Carter and Gracey? If you have, then you know as well as I do that reunification is not likely. Their circumstances have not changed. However, we will support reunification just as we did with Carter and Gracey and we have friends and family to support us…blah blah blah blah blah
Shari: I’m just not comfortable placing him so far away without getting the judge’s approval.
Me: Shari.
Shari: I’m sorry. I know how much you want him placed with you but I’m just not comfortable sending him so far away.
Me: Shari, we do want him but it isn’t about what we want. It’s about what is best for Mathew. Can you honestly tell me you don’t think it would be best for him to grow up with his siblings and connections to some extended bio family? I work from home and can work anywhere. My kids are not in “real” school. I can be there in 2 1/2 hours and have an appartment lease signed by noon tomorrow. I will live there until this is all settled or until the court says we can take him to Houston. We are committed to doing whatever it takes to keep these siblings together.
Shari: I’m sorry. I just can’t. I’ll talk to the Judge at the status hearing.
Me: When is the status meeting?
Shari: next Wednesday.
me: Okay, I’ll see you there. I want the Judge to know how committed we are to doing whatever it takes to work with the state and keep Mathew with his siblings.
Shari: you are going to be there?
Me: Absolutely.

I wanted to jump through the phone and slam her head against the wall. I understand there are policies and procedures in place for a reason but I also know that there are times when they are bent. I was devestated and could not understand why in the world this woman was being so heartless. So cold. I even told her that birthmom would probably like to know he was with us if she wasn’t allowed to have custody. She said in a nasty little voice, “you are wrong about that.” I told her that I can only imagine birthmom would not be happy knowing Mathew was coming to us that day but that in the end, when everything settled, she would want him with us because she knows the kids are happy and she knows she can find out how they are doing whenever she wants.

Anyway, you can see I still have issues. When I met this lady face to face my blood started to boil just as it did that day on the phone. It took every ounce of self control for me to not say simply, “I told you so.” Not to mention I still wanted to smack her. Just before my caseworker introduced us Shari made a comment about being “policy oriented” or something like that. (My caseworker was “bending” a few policies) As I extended my hand when I was introduced to her, I said, “we spoke on the phone the day Mathew was taken into custody….” and I could see our conversation being replayed in her mind. She smiled and said she was glad things worked out. I smiled and tired to hide my rage while I said, “I’m glad they did, too.”

Sigh. Guess I need to work on that whole anger management thing.

With the cold snaps we’ve been having lately, all I want to do is light a fire, curl up in a blanket and watch “When Harry Met Sally” or some other cheesey-but-wonderful chick flick. Comfort. It comes in all shapes and sizes and looks different to everyone.

I find comfort in foods I ate as a child. Like McDonald’s french fries…. my friend Wendy and I would skip youth choir when one of us was having some major high school crisis and go to McDonald’s. All of our problems could be solved with one large order of fries and a whole lot of ketchup. Rice and gravy. Not the kind you get at a restaurant claiming to serve cajun food, but REAL rice and gravy. Southern Louisiana style. You can’t find it anywhere in Texas – it doesn’t even taste the same when I make it at home. Speaking of rice, let’s just throw Gumbo into the mix of comfort food.

I also find comfort in people but not in the way you may think. We all have friends who will always make us feel right at home. But I’m thinking now of people who’ve come and gone, people who perhaps only settled into our lives for a short time but remain in some part of our hearts forever. People I remember fondly.

Speaking of comfort, I have a pair of flannel pj’s calling my name…

If you are one of the annoying people who work out regularly just stop
reading now. Wait. First, slap yourself THEN stop reading. Anyway, I was
all proud of myself for breaking a little sweat and mastering Wii Step. I
began to wonder what all the fuss was about with step aerobics… I mean,
it’s not like it’s that hard and it really isn’t much of a workout – but if
I did it twice in a row then I figured I had done enough.

This afternoon I crossed a line. I went to Academy and bought a real workout
step that came with a video. I am so cocky that I even bought 3lb hand
weights. I put in the DVD while daddyo watched from the couch. I started to
go ahead and increase the height of the step since I was so skilled at Wii
Step and so ready to take on the challenge. How hard could it be?

Hard. VERY FREAKIN’ HARD. The weights lasted about 2 minutes and I was
confused, sweaty and afraid I would break a leg falling off the dern step. I
could not figure out which leg was supposed to be up because the stupid lady
“instructor” was facing me so I was supposed to do everything backwards.
Normally, doing things backwards comes naturally to me but not in this case.
I was tripping all over myself and wondering why this witch was going so
fast. It was the LEVEL ONE introductory session, afterall. It didn’t help
matters that my darling husband was giving me verbal cues from the couch,
“not that leg, put the other one up… I think you need to be facing the
other way….no no, go that way now”. I finally said, “if you have it so
figured out get your butt up here and SHOW me!”

Finally, she slowed down and started doing stretches. I was exhausted and a
little dizzy from trying to keep up. But I had done it and I knew with
practice I would get better. And then the skinny winch announced that the
warm up was over and the real workout was about to begin.

I’m elated the Judge agreed to waive the 90 day waiting period. It will
speed the process up because we would have had to wait 90 days to even start
the paperwork for adoption. It is all in place now and we are only waiting a
few things to happen. I am hopeful that we’ll be able to finalize the end of
February. Pray it goes fast – we are ready to not have to fill out paperwork
every time Mathew goes to the doctor, etc…

we got termination and a waiver of the ninety days!!! Woohoo!!!

>мебелиrrow is the day. We should get termination of parental rights. We will
get termination of parental rights. Please pray that the Judge will agree to
waive the usual 90 day waiting period so we can move forward with adoption
immediately.

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

Adoption

• Our adoption story from beginning to end