My Ebenezer

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We like to dress up for Halloween around here and this year I’m hoping for a family theme. Two years ago we went as pirates:

And last year only the kids dressed up:

So this year we are considering a few different themes: Star Wars, Super Heroes, Flintstones OR just letting the kids dress up together and Bri and I dressing together as Popeye and Olive Oyl. Searching Craigslist to see what I can find cheap so if you have leftover costumes you want to trade or sell let me know!

Which do you think would be better:

Superheroes

or Star Wars:

I’ve been working diligently to change the layout of my blog and clean things up a bit. I finally figured out how to put things in chronological order – you may have noticed a new link to the left. When you click on it, it will display all of the posts regarding our adoption process from beginning to end! So exciting, I know. It’s just such a pain to have to read it all in reverse chronological order.

Still not finished with the editing of it all – picture links at the top don’t all work but I’ll get around to it eventually.

Gracey started attending preschool “children’s church” this year when she advanced from nursery to Sunday School. I have the joy of watching her as I volunteer with a Kindergarten class and she is a hoot! Her behavior reminds me a lot of Carter when he started children’s church but somehow for a little girl people seem to react more with laughter than frustration. Here’s hoping it is just a phase?

Although completely incapable of sitting still for more than a minute, Gracey hears everything and takes it all to heart. After just one Sunday, she insisted on taking her Bible to church because all the kids who take it with them get recognized. (she also raises her hand EVERY week, claiming to be a visitor so she can get a sticker)

Gracey’s Teacher: Gracey, put your hand down, sweetie, you aren’t a visitor
Gracey: but I’m just pretending!!!

Lately, she insists on taking her Bible everywhere which I think is adorable. After this morning I’m afraid she may soon cross a line:

Gracey: Mom, I’m going to take my Bible with me to Wal Mart
Me: No, honey. Leave it here so it doesn’t get lost and you can read it when we get back
Gracey: But, MOOOOOMMMM!!! I need to read about Gawwwd
Me: (laughing) okay, but you have to keep up with it so it doesn’t get lost, that is God’s special letter to you.
Gracey: Okay.

We walked out the back door and saw that our dog Duke had gotten out and was waiting to come back into the backyard.

Me: DUKE! Where are you getting out? arrrghhh
Gracey: (opening her Bible and pointing to the words) DUKE! Gawwd says right in the Bible that you should not get out of the backyard!

I almost peed my pants.

When I returned home from Phoenix, Carter is the one who immediately displayed his joy at my return. He crawled into my bed that first morning and snuggled close to me saying, “I just missed you so much, mommy.” While I was gone, Gracey is the one who voiced her separation anxiety but it didn’t show once I was home. And Mathew always loves mommy best whether I’m gone for 5 minutes or 5 days!

The thing with Carter is that he didn’t talk about it much while I was away but it was so obvious he thought a lot about it. It was on his heart and I felt a great sense of relief from him that I was back and all was right in his world. At one point in the day he even said to me, “you can do whatever you want today, mommy, even take pictures of me because that’s how much I missed you.” (Carter is at a stage where he absolutely DOES NOT want his picture taken) It’s not that a 5 year old missing his mommy is a big deal. It’s what this 5 year old’s frame of reference is.

Carter has a profound understanding of loss. At almost two years old he lost the only mother and father he’d ever known. One day she was there and the next she was not. No matter how much we prepare him for a trip or a time away from one or both of us, I can’t help but wonder if he secretly questions whether or not we’ll come back for him. And that breaks. my. heart.

Ive spent the week in Phoenix, Az for a MIcrosoft Project conference. Basically it is a geekfest and I love it. I forget how much fun it is to be around so many people who k ow so much more than I do about this tool I’ve been training/consulting on for about the last ten years I thought I was intelligent on Monday. On Tuesday I attended a session and realized I didn’t even know some of the words being used.

It’s one of the things I love about my job – there is no end to what you can learn so when I get bored with one piece of the technology I focus on another. But I’m sure you know that I’m not here to write about Microsoft Project be ause you really don’t care what I do.

But before I move on I can’t help but say it is unfortunate that Microsoft chose to make it easier for people to use this tool more inefficiently.Don’t glaze over and close your browser just yet hear me out.

Nevermind. My brain is fried and although I have a great analogy I’m just too tired to write it all out. Instead I’ll say that it is wonderful to be in a place where people acknowledge me as a professional and not just a mommy. I am incredibly blessed to be a full time mommy with a hobby that some would call work.

So I know this girl…..

She is also training for the marathon and running several times a week to get ready. I shouldn’t laugh because I suppose it could happen to anyone BUTT it’s just too funny not to.

On a recent run, she was about 1.5 from home when she began to have mild gastrointestinal distress and hoped it would go just go away. With every step she took she became more and more convinced that it was definitely NOT going away and, worse yet, it was quickly approaching blast off.

Considering her options, she started to walk because the bouncing of her run was proving more than her colon could handle. “oh no. oh NO. OH NO!!!” Horrified at what she knew she’d have to do she looked around for someone picking up his/her morning paper who might be willing to let her use the facilities but no one was in sight. I guess not many people were up before dawn that day.

Finding a bathroom was no longer a matter of convenience and relief. It was imperative to address the matter head on (well, butt on) before she ended up blasting off in her pants. At that thought, she quickly sat on the curb to delay the impending doom. As she pretended to stretch in case anyone was watching, she prayed she could make it home while at the same time knowing it would be impossible to make it another 1.5 miles without destroying her new running pants.

When she was able to walk again she knew what she had to do. “no. NO NO NO!!” It was unthinkable. She was in a neighborhood, for goodness sake, not out in the back woods. No, she’d make it home. She HAD to make it home. She could get home, take care of business and then just run an extra 3 miles to complete that days track. She was even willing to do the whole thing over again if only she could find some relief.

As she approached the fork in the road she had to choose. Turn right and head for home, running the risk of sharing the unthinkable with every house she passed as her business leaked to the ground with each and every step. OR, turn left continuing the normal path and DOO the unthinkable around the corner where there would be enough bushes to hide. NOOOO!!!

Just as she was about to head towards home she had to quickly sit on the curb again to prevent the relief she longed for. She had no choice. No choice. Butt she just couldn’t fathom crapping in a bush in someone’s yard. Only a monster, a disgusting, filthy, pig of a person would crap in someone’s yard. As I am about to pee my pants laughing so hard she admitted she would think it was funny, too, if it were happening to someone else.

She was almost to her only hope – the bushes by the bridge – and prayed she would make it. As she approached, she looked around to make sure no one was looking. She hoped to see even just one person she could beg for a bathroom but it didn’t think she could take even 2 more steps without losing it.

She did it. She faced off with the bushes and prayed for forgiveness. (and prayed no one saw her entering the area) Once she felt better, she realized that in her distress she hadn’t planned very well. The bushes where she now squatted were full of tiny leaves. Although she was hidden from the street she could easily see the house and knew that if someone were really looking, they’d be able to see her, too.

You have to understand that the yard was HUGE. It was more like an estate than a typical house so there was little chance of anyone peering out that far. In her defense, the people who lived in this house would not ever be anywhere near this spot. Only the yard man would ever come close to the evidence that would convict her and he wouldn’t even be close enough to find it.

Just as she was about to leave the scene of the crime a car turned on the street. Feeling like a common a thief, she hid in the bushes until it had passed and narrowly avoided stepping on her own launch pad.

As she slipped back into her jog she wondered if she should confess her sin and decided it was too much to bare alone. So she chose to trust me with her story in hopes of relieving some of her guilt and swore me to secrecy.

Two very important lessons you should learn from this:
1) if you are going to crap by a bush, pick a bush with large leaves
2) if you must share your experience with someone, choose someone who doesn’t blog

This morning in the Ebenezer house:

Gracey: Mommy, it’s still dark outside
Me: yes, it’s early, Gracey
Gracey: ooooooh! I bet that star is awake, can we go see it?
Me: okay, let’s go
Gracey: (pointing to the one little star visible through the clouds) MOM!!! LOOK!!!! THERE’S MY STAR! Good morning, star!
Me: (pointing to the moon) Gracey, look who else is awake
Gracey: MY MOON!!! Good morning, moon. He’s awake in the night!
Me: okay, it’s time to go back inside
Gracey: Goodbye star. Goodbye moon.

I love her enthusiasm for life and her pleasure in the little things. She’s 3 1/2 now and I know the magic in her perception of things will slowly fade away over the next few years. I wish we could capture that innocence and unwavering faith in the impossible and carry it with us into adulthood.

I started my morning with a 2 mile run at 5:30am. It’s a great start to my day when I’m able to drag my behind out of bed! Saturday will be my longest run ever: 5 miles! Slowly building up to be ready for the 13.1 mile half marathon in January. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I am even able to run. I often pick up a pair of pants at the store and think “oh, there is no way these are the right size… they are much to small in the waist” only to discover that they are my size and sometimes even a size bigger.

I’m minus 80lbs from last November. I’d really like to hit 100 before this November but I don’t know how likely that is. Especially since I’ve been stuck at 80 for the last 2 months or so. This last wall I have to push through is brutal! I only need 20 more pounds. Just 20!!!! Oh well, I’m sure as I continue to run the pounds will continue to come off slowly.

We bought a 2008 Honda Pilot yesterday and the salesman laughed at me when I was giddy about the driver seat controls. It has been years since I’ve had a vehicle with electronic controls and I was just beside myself. It also has keyless entry which I’ve had to live without for about 6-7 years and I was so happy I could have cried.

It’s the little things, really. The simple every day conveniences, right? Stupid and irrelevant but wonderful at the same time. As dumb as it sounds, it reminds me of other simple things I should take advantage of more often like playing barefoot in the grass with the kids. Racing on the swingset to see who can go higher. Letting Gracey put that nasty, greasy, play makeup on my face. Taking time for the little things with the kids makes a big difference. Not just a difference for them, but a difference for me.

Life gets so busy with errands and chores and meals and fill in the blank. But none of that is important, not really. Okay, the meals are kind of important but everything else can wait. Those of you who have been to my house know that I’m pretty good at waiting to do housework – sometimes too good.

I’m trying to focus this week on remembering the small stuff both in my actions and in my words. Kids are told what to do and not do on a regular basis and sometimes I just need to let go of the smaller things and not make a correction. I mean, when Mathew is playing in the toilet it needs to be addressed but if Gracey plays with her food some I can let it go. Unless she is throwing it across the table in which case I would hide my laughter.

I survived Mathew’s first week (2 days) of school and he did, too. I know he loves being around all the other kids and I’m sure he’ll adjust to the one nap thing. I just hate it when he gets so fussy because it really is unlike him. Usually, he’s very happy-go-lucky.

Speaking of Mathew, I still think he is the smartest baby in the world. He loves the remote control and if the TV is off, he’ll grab it and point it towards the TV while pressing buttons. If nothing happens he’ll scream until someone helps him turn on the TV. I also love it when he picks up the phone and babbles into it pausing every now and again to “listen” I suppose. He gets so enthusiastic about eating that he will pull food out of his mouth if you are putting something else in front of him that he likes more.

Just like Gracey used to do (and still does, actually), Mathew thinks everyone in the world should stop and pay attention to him when we are in public. He will wave and say ‘hi’ to strangers in stores and keep smiling until they talk to him. Can you imagine if an adult were to walk around doing that?

Why is it that dropping off a child for the first time at preschool/MDO/school/etc… sucks? I HATED leaving Mathew at school today and it didn’t help that he cried when I dropped him off. Poor little guy was sooo tired – school starts about the time he normally takes his morning nap, which I’ve been trying to break him of. But my little guy needs his sleep. He only got to sleep for about 40 minutes and when I got there to get him he was dazed and confused.

Ugh. I know he’ll get used to it I just hope it happens fast. I don’t know how long I can keep dropping him off if he’s going to be so exhausted when I pick him up. He’s normally such a happy baby UNLESS he misses his sleep. I guess it runs in the family because I’m not such a happy camper on too little sleep, either. Shocking, I know. That I would EVER not be easy to be around. Shut up, family.

Before Mathew was born, Carter and Gracey would crawl into my lap every morning and we’d cuddle together watching cartoons for 30 minutes or so. We haven’t done that often since little Mathew was a newborn – just too demanding with his bottle and breakfast, etc… This morning ALL THREE of them sat cuddled in my lap for a bit and it was the best 10 minutes of my day.

I can’t help but wonder what their mornings would be like if they were with their biological parents. Every once in a while the realization of ‘what might have been’ slams into me like a Mack truck and I have to catch my breath and thank God again for keeping them safe and bringing them home. And just when I start to feel better I remember there are thousands of children who are living the ‘what might have been’ every day.

Right here in my own city I know there are thousands of kids being neglected and abused. Thousands of people who don’t have enough food to eat or clothes to wear. Children without families and even worse children with abusive families. And I hear on the news about my hard earned tax dollars being spent on a damn animal shelter and I’m outraged. Money that could go toward saving human lives is being spent on dogs and cats. I love animals, but seriously? What kind of message does this send to child living with ‘what might have been’?

"Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (Rock of Help), saying, This marks the place where GOD helped us."

1 Samuel 7:12 The Message

Adoption

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