You are currently browsing the archives for October, 2009.
My favorite thing about blog stats is reading what a person searched for to get to my site. For example, I see “Ebenezer” regularly and then random things that I must have mentioned somewhere. I used to get a lot of poo related searches….don’t know why. 
That reminds me. I haven’t posted about poo in a long time now. But don’t worry, Mathew will be potty training in another year or so… 
Today, someone stumbled across the world wide web and landed on my little slice by googling “how to say Grace in Redneck”.
What does that say about me?
Bizarre-o
Posted October 29th, 2009 at 11:25 pm. Add a comment
So remember that post yesterday about feeling so sick for foster mom? I really was feeling just horrible… that sinking feeling in your gut?
Surely this isn’t the case but I kinda get the feeling that I may have been more upset about it than she is. I know that sounds crazy but… I don’t know. The conversation I had with her was not at all what I expected. Not at all.
There’s always more to the story isn’t there? Guess I’ll never know.
Empty Arms
Posted October 28th, 2009 at 10:33 pm. 1 comment
Ava and Ethan will be moving to a family member’s home on Friday. Pray for Foster mom who will have to make peace with that decision and will suffer a great loss. Pray that if my phone rings God will give me the right words. I can’t share all the facts with her but I want to show compassion.
Imagine bringing and infant home from the hospital and caring for him day in and day out for 2 months. Imagine bringing a 5 year old into your home and heart and for two months meeting all of her needs. Working with her to resolve and improve difficult behaviors. Seeing progress. Falling in love. And then they’re gone.
Will that home follow up with what you’ve been doing to help Ava? Will they know what each cry from Ethan means? When he’s hungry or tired? Will he wonder where I am and why I’m not with him? Will Ava regress because of another change? Will they be in contact with their abusers since they are family? Ugh.
Foster care is not for the faint of heart. Foster to Adopt is especially not for the faint of heart. One has to have faith and believe that for whatever amount of time you love those children, you make a difference in their lives. You have to believe that God will carry you through it and that what He has planned for you is better than what you want right now. You have to believe that while you are heartbroken and your spirit is crushed that the best interest of the kids are being met.
Because at the end of the day it’s not about you or your pain. It’s about the kids.
Perhaps you are wondering why anyone hoping to adopt would put themselves through that. Scroll up and you’ll find my answer…..
My article.
Posted October 27th, 2009 at 7:18 pm. 3 comments
A couple of months ago I was asked to write an article for Adoptive Famlies magazine about adopting infants/toddlers through the foster care system. Below is an edited version of what is in the magazine. After I submitted my article, they edited it. For this post I re-edited it to include more of the story rather than just the facts (the names were not changed in the actual artical, just here):
My husband and I spent 3 1/2 years in the foggy defeat of infertility before deciding to pursue adoption. and felt as though the sun was once again shining. We held on to a promise God put on our hearts from the very beginning that comes from Jeremiah 29:11 “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’” We were ready to embrace that future and felt like the sun was shining again. We just had no idea where to start.
Two weeks later a call from my friend Christy changed everything.
A child I called Grace was in foster care and although her foster family loved her dearly, they were not in a position to adopt another child. We wanted more information. Throughout the next week God kept tugging my heart to call a lady I knew of who had adopted nine foster children. I kept telling myself to be patient – even when the stranger who installed our pool net that week asked if I knew “this lady in the back of your neighborhood who has ten kids….” What are the chances, I thought.Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Grace’s foster mom was the lady God had been pointing me towards all week. I knew at that exact moment we were right where God wanted us to be and was more certain than ever that Grace had entered our lives. Our story is not about the child I called Grace but about God’s Grace – the way God led us to our children. We never looked into any other means of adopting; for us, foster care was the only path.
While we recognized the overwhelming need to find homes for older children, we chose to pursue infant/toddler adoption despite being told countless times that there were none. After 12 weeks of bi-weekly training, hours of interviews and months of anticipation, I was told that our agency would not work with us unless we would consider a child up to age 7. It was a hard hit in the gut because we were not ready to parent a child this age.
Grace’s foster mom helped us navigate the treacherous system by reminding us to read between the lines. Although the focus was on older child adoption, statistics showed the vast majority of children placed for adoption (through our nonprofit foster care agency) were under age 3. Afraid to rock the proverbial boat, we smiled and nodded and agreed to consider anything. It made me feel like I should be ashamed for wanting to adopt an infant or toddler instead of a kid.
There are three options for adopting through foster care: Straight adoption, Legal Risk adoption, and Foster to adopt. Straight adoption involved only children who were legally free for adoption at the time of placement. “Legal Risk” involved children for whom termination of parental rights was imminent. In Foster to adopt, children would be placed with us if caseworkers felt there was a high probability for adoption but there were no guarantees. We would face the painful prospect of parenting a child whom we might not ultimately adopt. The fear of that heartache pushed us towards safer options.
But after our training was completed, we learned that our agency routinely turned away opportunities to place infants because there weren’t enough people willing to take babies for foster care. We decided to put our hearts on the line and opened our home to accept “foster to adopt” placements. We stepped out in faith and trusted God to prepare our hearts for whatever came our way.
About eight months after starting our foster parent training, we became the proud parents (legally we were the foster parents) of siblings: an incredibly active 22 month old boy, Carter, and a 1 ½ week old baby girl, Gracey. Despite the joy and excitement of becoming parents, there was a nagging fear that we wouldn’t become a forever family. From the moment I got that phone call, they weren’t just cases or foster kids – they were the children who had been growing in my heart and I loved them fiercely.
For the next four months, we fulfilled the most difficult part of the foster to adopt process – required weekly visits with the birth family. I took my babies to a dingy office where I had to hand them over to birthparents, who often appeared to be high. From the beginning, it was clear that there was little chance of their making the necessary changes to avoid termination of parental rights. What surprised me most about this process was the conflicting emotions of joy and anger. On one hand I was thrilled to be one step closer to that piece of paper that made us legally a family. But on the other hand I was angry because they did nothing to fight for my precious children.
It was then I discovered the worst thing about fostering-to-adopt. It’s not the fear that they will leave your arms to live with another family or distant relatives. Or that they will reunite with birth parents who worked hard to get their lives together. The fear that my babies could be returned their abusers when circumstances had not changed was crippling. If that thought had occurred earlier in the process I’m not sure I could have gone through with it.
Our story has a happy ending. We finalized our adoption of Carter and Gracey in February of 2007 and we brought their biological baby brother, Mathew, home in June of 2008 when he was a week old. They are healthy, happy kids who are thriving and we would do it all over again for just the chance to be their parents.
Both Carter and Gracey understand that they all grew in the same tummy. We have been as open and honest as is age appropriate. We don’t want there to be any big surprises when they are older so they know that although their “first mommy and daddy” love them very much, they made bad choices and were not able to take care of them. We are blessed to see the paternal grandparents regularly and we have very limited contact with their birthmother.
God does indeed have a plan for our lives; I hate to think of what we may have missed if we hadn’t been willing to follow it.
Desperate or Delusional?
Posted October 27th, 2009 at 6:37 am. 1 comment
That’s the question everyone’s asking about Ava and Ethan’s foster mom. The caseworkers think she’s nuts and has just gone way overboard. My own coordinator even got snippy about how foster mom shouldn’t even be thinking in terms of adoption because the kids aren’t technically on a “non-relative adoption” plan. Foster mom wants to know everything that’s going on – “what happened at court?… what is the status of this family member’s homestudy?…. why did the caseworker do this or that?”
I can hear the faint screaming of hysteria in her voice. The irrational rants about why Ava and Ethan shouldn’t go here or there or with that family member, etc… She’s not able to see why another option – an option that isn’t her home – might be better for the kids. Especially for Ava. And when the caseworker says, “….she’s JUST the caregiver..” and she needs to realize there are some things I don’t have to tell her…. I cringe right down to my very core.
I know that Foster Mom is both desperate and delusional. She’s desperate for a forever family and desperate to keep these children in arms and not just in her heart. She’s delusional because she’s convinced that no one else will be good for them.. that she has to be the mom or the kids will surely die. (so that’s exaggerating a bit) And the thing is, I get it.
I recognize that delusion, that desperation … I recognize my own fears from the first few months after Carter and Gracey came home to us. I ache for this woman who brought this infant home from the hospital and has cared for him day and night for two months. I ache for the mom who has dealt with difficult behaviors from a hurting 5 year old and who wants to protect her forever. I ache because all of her fears are justified.
Her arms will likely be empty very soon. Any day now she will get that call and it makes me sick to think of the pain it will cause her. I’m grateful I’m not the one who will make that call. Grateful I won’t be there when the children are taken from her. Grateful mine were never taken from me.
A good foster parent will not just be a ‘caregiver’ to the children in her home. She will love them fiercely and love them as if they were hers forever. She will lay down her heart for them, knowing it may get trampled on when all is said and done. But she’ll do it again and again and again because her heart is strong and her desire is great. And her love IS fierce.
It does appear that foster mom may be crossing a line or two but I’d like to see that met with compassion rather than contempt. I’d like to see the caseworkers understand where she is coming from and acknowledge what she’s invested in these children. Just have a little compassion.
It’s bad enough that we ‘infertiles’ are portrayed as baby snatchers in every Lifetime movie – it is ALWAYS the barren woman who cuts the baby from a woman’s uterus. ALWAYS!!!! Yes, we are infertile. Yes, we are desperate for a family. Yes, we want to snatch babies. But most of us don’t.
She’s been fostering for more than two years and is still waiting for her happy ending.
I can’t write that without thanking God, again, for the three miracles who came to me so easily. Ha! It didn’t seem easy at the time but it was a short wait and we never had to experience the pain of a miscarriage. I’ll always be grateful for His Grace.
God is good, friends. God is good.
Child Abuse Sucks
Posted October 24th, 2009 at 3:49 am. 1 comment
I was sitting there a little sick at my stomach, looking around and wondering about the stories of the people around me. Sadness in some faces, regret on others. Anger, resentment and a sense of righteous indignation by those who are likely most guilty. I wondered about their past in the same breath I hoped against their future. Against reunification with a child(ren) who had suffered at their hands. In the Child Protective Services office, it’s hard to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
I’m not supposed to say that. To say that I hope reunification doesn’t happen. It’s like breaking the golden rule of social work but then again, I’m not a social worker.
It’s not that I don’t rehabilitation is impossible. It’s not that I think it is never in a child’s best interest to return to parent(s) who abused them – because ‘never’ is too limiting. ‘Never’ leaves no room for hope, no room for miracles. So while I do think it is possible and while I believe it can sometimes be in a child’s best interest to go back to the only home they’ve ever known, I also know the statistics.
I know that caseworkers may wait YEARS before seeing a successful reunification. Just today I spoke with a worker who just saw her first one after being on the job for a year. Her supervisor had to wait FOUR years before seeing that kind of happy ending. And these workers don’t just handle a few cases a year – it’s not uncommon for them have 20 cases at a time.
What’s possible and what’s likely are two different things entirely. I’ll root for the underdog and hope for the best even as I prepare for reality. That reality includes alternative care for two innocent children, one of whom has already seen too much of the world’s ugliness.
Don’t Hate Me
Posted October 20th, 2009 at 12:09 pm. Add a comment
It’s 6:30am and I’ve already run 3 miles, showered and gotten dressed for the day. Kids are all still sleeping and I’m enjoying a little piece of quiet while I wait for the little monsters to wake up.
If you have absolutely no interest in fitness stop reading now. I’ve turned in to one of those insane and annoying people who loves to exercise and loves to motivate other people to exercise. It’s just that I feel so good it makes the exercise addicting. There is a huge difference in my day when I get up early and workout and when I don’t. I just wish I could put that feeling in a bottle and share it with everyone I know – you would get addicted, too, if you could just experience the benefits that come along with it.
You have to understand that I am lazy. VERY lazy. Not a common descriptor for someone who is up at 5am and running at least 3 miles four times a week. But it wasn’t always that way. Almost a year ago I would have died if I ran to the mailbox. There are a lot of reasons I decided to drag my sorry behind off the couch and do something about it and maybe someday I’ll write about that. The most important thing I want to communicate is that you CAN do it. ANYONE can do it if he/she is just willing to give it an honest to goodness try.
Weighing it at XXX lbs I didn’t start by running 3 miles. As much as you’ll hate me for saying this, the first couple of pounds came off without me even realizing it or trying. (i’m talking 3-5lbs) A combination of Wii Fit and thyroid medicine was the catylist to my weight loss and new lifestyle. I owe my friend Laura BIG TIME for buying me a Wii Fit las November. I kid you not, that is where it all began. So thanks, Laura. You changed my life.
I started playing Wii Fit and the competitor in me had me playing over and over and over again, trying to beat my high scores. For the average healthy adult, Wii Fit probably won’t make you break much of a sweat. For me, I got a good workout doing the step aerobics, hula hoop and boxing. I wrote about the whole step aerobics thing here – it’s worth a good laugh if you didn’t read it before. Anyway, from Wii Fit I did step aerobics in my den, then I moved on to Boot Camp DVDs (which almost killed me) and a few resistance training DVDs. After losing 40lbs I realized I needed help to take it to the next level.
I joined the gym and got a personal trainer and that made all the difference in the world. After working out and doing TONS of cardio in the gym for months, I knew it was time to turn it up a notch. I needed a way to turn this into a lifestyle rather than a diet plan. That’s where running comes into the picture. I hated it at first but felt strong because I could do it. I still hate it for the first half mile or so EVERY time I do it but then my body falls into the routine of pounding the pavement and all is right with the world.
- 81lbs and counting
Here we go
Posted October 16th, 2009 at 3:27 am. 4 comments
I’ve heard that instead of just complaining about a situation you should become part of the solution. Does that mean if I am becoming part of the solution I can complain all I want? Can I vent and storm and rage about what I see and what I think and what I know? You already know it doesn’t matter if I have been assigned that privilege or not – I will vent and rage and storm whether I’m supposed to or not. So get your umbrellas out.
I have reenlisted with Child Advocates. and am getting started on my new case. I’ve not read the case file. I’ve not spoken with the social worker. I’ve not met the children. And I’m already irritated at a system that sucks. Here’s what I know: Ava is almost 5 years old and is entering foster care for the first time. From what I’ve been able to gather, she has lived off and on with friends and family members her entire life. Ethan is 2 months old and came into care at birth when mom tested positive for drugs. It’s unclear how Ava came into care – if CPS took custody or if the person Ava was living with place her into CPS care when Ethan was born. There are other bits and pieces that I’ll confirm when I get the case file but I’m already frustrated with the “system”.
It is heartbreaking to me that Ava has spent almost 5 years of her life most likely being bounced around from one couch to another. It ticks me off that mom did drugs while she was pregnant, admitted to it and will not be prosecuted for child abuse. IT INFURIATES ME that mom has 8 .. yes, I said EIGHT other children who have been removed from her care. Her parental rights have been terminated on 8 OTHER CHILDREN!!! Let that sink in for a minute. If you live in my state, your tax dollars paid her medical bills. YOUR tax dollars paid for an EPIDURAL during her deliveries. (assuming she had one, it is covered even though it is not medically necessary) YOUR tax dollars have paid for just the opportunity for this drug addict to get counseling, parenting classes, psych evals, drug treatment, etc….. I’d have no problem with that if she showed up for any of them. I’m guessing she did not. And if she did, it seems they didn’t “stick”.
I assume she will not be offered any services – in fact, I assume she wasn’t offered services on all eight of her previous children but I know she would have them on the first case. Evidently, some people consider forcing a woman to have a hysterectomy unconstitutional. So don’t force them. Give them options. Option A: be prosecuted for each case of neglect/abuse against your children and serve consecutive sentences or B: have a hysterectomy. I’d much rather my tax dollars be spent on hysterectomies than on people not showing up for classes/therapy/etc…
I believe in Mercy and second chances. I’m even okay with third chances here, but can’t we just apply the 3rd strike rule? If you have a THIRD child removed from your care and your rights are terminated you get on the express line to a hysterectomy. Or tubes tied. Or whatever type of permanent birth control doctors come up with. Or you can choose jail. Most of these parents are never prosecuted. A judge takes away their rights to parent this child but leaves the door wide open for them to parent others. At the VERY least, can we get a tattoo artist in here to ink the words “if you can read this call CPS immediately”. (not a perfect plan but you get the idea)
Maybe it is unconstitutional to take away a woman’s rights to bear children. But what about Ava’s rights? What about a little girl who knows no boundaries?? What about a little girl who probably doesn’t even know how to emotionally attach to another human? What about the baby girl who has likely seen and known things that are unspeakable. What does the constitution say about her?
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Posted October 9th, 2009 at 2:19 pm. 1 comment
Transition
Posted October 8th, 2009 at 12:10 pm. 2 comments
I’ve figured out why it’s been such a chore for me to post this past year. I started this blog to document our journey to a family through foster care adoption. That chapter has come and gone and I just don’t have much to say about it anymore. I’ve considered starting a new blog but I hate to do that, too.
Now I’m left with wondering what to write about. Day to day family life and parenting. Fitness. (who would have thought THAT would EVER be a topic I’d know anything about! So I’m kinda stuck with a hodge podge of boring posts about nothing at all.
The problem is that I love to write. The bigger problem is I have nothing to write about.