Protected: Confessions of a selfish heart
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Archive for the '15' Category
Bountiful Blessings
A few years ago, BK (before kids), four other ladies and myself met once or twice a month in an infertility support group. We prayed together and for each other. We laughed. We cried. We hoped. Infertility is a brutal road to navigate and I couldn’t have done it without the help of a few good friends.
We all got together again this morning for the first time…. just look at us now.
Looking back to see ahead
May 18th 2008Cindy14 & 15 & 24 & 26 & 7
I stumbled across this old post tonight and was reminded again of God’s infinite power. This is a prayer I feel was truly answered - we did build a decent relationship with the birthmom and have continued that in limited ways over the past two years. I pray it will continue through this next leg of our journey.
In the endless wondering about baby Isaac, the questions pop into my mind with rapid fire: Is baby healthy? When will baby be born? IS baby a boy or a girl? Will baby come home to us? Will we get to see baby soon after he/she is born? Will baby be in the NICU for long? Will we get to see birthparents again? Will there be family visits this time around? Will CPS do what it should and follow through?
Soooo many questions. I only have one answer and it is from Jesus who said, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible .” Mathew 19:26.
EVERYTHING is possible with God. We are praying for a healthy baby. We are praying we get to bring baby home soon after he/she is born. We praying the process runs very smoothly. All we can do is trust that God is in control and fully submit to His authority and His wisdom.
Tuesday
Apr 16th 2008Cindy14 & 15 & 36 & 7
Wow. I really got your attention in that last post, didn’t I? I appreciate the support and words of encouragement. I have no doubt that God will give us what we need to face whatever it is He brings to us. I do find myself quoting “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition present your requests to God” daily. Sometimes hourly.
The anxiety is not about how to handle three kids… it’s about whether or not we’ll even get the chance. His will, not mine. Please pray for the worker who will be writing up our homestudy. This process can take anywhere from 30-45 days and we really need it done asap. Pray for a sense of urgency.
We decided to take Speedy with us on our little getaway. We just can’t leave him for four whole nights. It must sound terrible to say we can leave Princess, but it’s a little different with her because we are all she’s ever known. I think SPeedy needs a little extra from us and I think this is just what the doctor ordered. We will all have a wonderful time and grandparents will have a blast with the little Princess.
Stella. You haven’t heard much about her lately because she’s been doing really well. She’s been in the same foster home for FOUR months now and I’m thrilled. She looks amazing and has been doing really well. Last week, she turned 16. She decided she didn’t want to take her meds anymore so she is off of them now. I’m worried for how she’ll do without them.
I’m irritated that her foster mom (who overall is really great) did not know that as it stands now, Stella will not be considered a 10th grader next year if she doesn’t make up a half credit. She’s already a year behind and will turn 18 in her junior year. We mapped out an educational plan with her counselor but it’s going to be a lot work. I told her it was up to her to decide whether or not she wanted to do it. She told me today that she wants to quit school and does not want to attempt to graduate. Among other things, her plan right now is to get a job, get emancipated and move to Ohio. (puppy love)
What do you say to that? Telling her it isn’t realistic would not help her. So I just listened and told her it sounds like she’s got it all figured out. I told her that although the state could make her go to school, they couldn’t make her do the work and if she wanted to “quit” then that would be her choice. I casually mentioned that lots of people survive their whole life making only $8 an hour which is about what she can expect without a high school diploma. I suggested she do some research online to find out what it would take to get emancipated.
Understand this: I in no way want to see her make these choices. But she is 16 physically; 40 experience wise; 10 emotionally, etc… I can’t tell her what to do or how to do it. Me pointing out the absurdity of her plan will do nothing but make her angry and add fuel to the fire. Make her want to do it even more. So I just tried to listen and not ask too many questions. And not say all of the things that were coming to my mind. I’ve decided that the best thing I can do for Stella is to just be there. To listen and offer support and understanding when she needs it. There are enough people in her life pointing out the absurdity of plans and desires.
Here’s what really makes me angry. She called my coordinator and was very rude and ugly to her. My coordinator handled it poorly, in my opinion. Her immediate reaction was to revoke Stella’s priveledge of getting to travel with her aunt to go and visit some family in a neighboring state. Now, the reason is that she feels like Stella may not come back but I don’t think that’s a real issue. And I think my coordinator is giving Stella a consequence that takes away her right to see her family. And I don’t think it’s okay to do that. It’s not fair. Take away her Ipod, take away her phone, but don’t withdraw the opportunity to go and see her family. Not when you’ve already said she could go. Ugh.
Faith to move mountains
Stella. Stella. Stella.
What I want to say to Stella, but can’t. At least not yet. Probably not ever.
Dear Stella,
I am so sorry “the system” has let you down. You should have been removed from the care of your family when you were born and you never should have been returned to them. For fifteen years you have been bounced around from home to home, some relative placements, some straight foster placements and nothing seems to stick. It looks like everywhere you go people give up on you. Your behaviors are difficult to manage but that is not your fault. You don’t deserve what has happened to you and I’m sorry it hasn’t been better.
The good news is that you can decide what happens in your future. You have choices to make and what happens next IS up to you. You can choose to let your past haunt the rest of your life or you can choose to work through it and turn your life into a happily ever after story. It’s up to you now. Your family failed you. “The system” failed you. Society failed you. But you don’t have to fail yourself.
Sincerly,
Your Advocate
UGH. This is hard, guys. Working with a teenager adds a whole new twist to the whole Child Advocates thing because she is old enough to make choices and to have a say in what happens next. I see so many places where Stella is not getting what she needs from CPS. I know, no big surprise there, right? But some of it may be more than what even CPS is able to do. What do I want? I want CPS to move mountains for this girl. It’s what I’m asking and it’s what I’m believing is going to happen. MOUNTAINS. Because one lost girl, one life changed, is worth it.
The Bible says that faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain - won’t you help me move a mountain on behalf of Stella? Pray for emotional healing, pray for self-control, pray for the ability for her to make rational decisions, pray for wisdom and pray for her caregiver. She matters.
Perfect Love
Through each step of this path God has been faithful. He gave us our hearts’ desire by bringing Speedy and Princess to us in His perfect time. He opened the door for us to have a relationship with their biological grandparents and that is a gift we will pass on to them. God gave us enough time to have visits with the birthfamily so that we could get photos of both kids with their birthparents. He put us on a fast track when many “in the system” told us that fast tracks aren’t very common.
And He is going to bring us through this next court date as well. I believe He will provide termination of parental rights so that Speedy and Princess can become legally ours before the year is over - but it is His will we are seeking, not our own. A long time ago God put a verse on my heart that has carried us through the last few years…..come on, say it with me now, I know you know it: Jeremiah 29:11 “‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’”
That verse doesn’t just apply to Daddy-O and I, it applies to Speedy and Princess, too. He has a plan for them and I believe we are a big part of that plan. God wants good things for them just as much as He wants good things for us and He is going to deliver!
Yesterday, my heart was consumed with fear. One phone call from the caseworker and the hairs on my neck were standing up and I was a mama bear protecting her cubs. It’s only natural. Today, I was reminded again that God is in control. There is no reason for me to worry, no reason for me to fear. 2 Tim 1:7 says: 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear , but of power and of love and of a sound mind. He also says in 1 John 4:18-19, 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear , because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.19 We love Him because He first loved us.
There is a little book of daily devotions that I try to read every day but it ends up being every few days. Today’s devotion was about claiming God’s truths in our lives and in the lives of our children. It was about being bold and saying what believe God is telling us about situations in our lives…..and believing that He is going to do what He says He will do.
I believe God. His will, nothing more, nothing less and nothing else.
It’s only through His perfect love that I can recognize the need in my own heart to forgive Princess and Speedy’s birthparents. To forgive them for what has and has not been done and to forgive them for not thinking first of the kids. God does not call me to punish them or to blame them; He calls me to love them. And He will give me enough of His Grace to do just that.
Protected: The Sweetest Sound
Many of you may be familiar with Baby Eintstein videos, but a friend recently told me about Praise Baby. Speedy LOVES Praise Baby and I love it, too! It is the same idea as the Baby Einstein stuff but it is set to Praise music instead. When we both need a break, it's a great way for him to calm down and for me to refocus. We try to watch a little each night and I love how it just reminds me to look to God.
Last night, for the first time, Speedy started singing along with the DVD. Nothing is sweeter than hearing him sing, " Ewww are ho-weee, ho-weeeee". It just melts my heart.
God is so faithful, has been so faithful and will forever be, SO faithful. One of the biggest encouragements to us along the way with Speedy and Princess has been the involvement of the biological paternal grandparents. They have come to a few visits and have said all along that they hope we will be able to adopt Speedy and Princess. They both feel it is in the best interest of the kids - they are healthy people who seem to have very sincere hearts, but are not at a place where they could take on raising an infant and a two year old. They do, however, want very much to continue being grandparents.
Anyway, it was suggested to me earlier this week that it is possible that they are only saying what we want to hear. That they could be trying to help the bio parents get the kids back but are saying that to us just in case parental rights are terminated. I hadn't thought of that, nor do I or did I think it was the case. But of course, it got me thinking. And thinking almost always gets me in trouble. Why can't I learn to just trust God and quit trying to think on my own? ha ha ha
Anyway, God's faithfulness goes so far beyond what I can imagine. He knew my heart, knows my heart. Today at the grocery store, I saw a lady who was involved in the initial CPS investigation. I had only seen her once before and had never spoken to her. I just knew it was her and promised myself that if I saw her again (on another aisle) that I would approach her. So, I did what anyone in my shoes would do…..I hunted her down. 
Through our brief conversation, and without me directly asking or even thinking to bring it up, she mentioned that the paternal grandparents said when she talked them in the beginning that they did not want the children to be reunified with their parents. That they didn't feel it would be in the best interest of the kids.
Seriously now, what are the chances? I don't live in a small town. The meeting we went to was not near our house. We just happen to live near enough to this lady to shop at the same grocery store?
Some may call it a coincidence. I call it a God thing. You'd have to know Him to understand. Thanks, God. I needed that.
Why Ebenezer?
God’s faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. In my life I know there will be many mountains and valleys, many great successes and many great failures. Through it all I want to make sure to credit God for His faithfulness.
Ebenezer means “stone of help”.
1 Sam 7:7-12
When the Philistines heard that Israel was meeting at Mizpah, the Philistine leaders went on the offensive. Israel got the report and became frightened — Philistines on the move again!
8 They pleaded with Samuel, “Pray with all your might! And don’t let up! Pray to GOD, our God, that he’ll save us from the boot of the Philistines.”
9 Samuel took a young lamb not yet weaned and offered it whole as a Whole-Burnt-Offering to GOD. He prayed fervently to GOD, interceding for Israel. And GOD answered.
10 While Samuel was offering the sacrifice, the Philistines came within range to fight Israel. Just then GOD thundered, a huge thunderclap exploding among the Philistines. They panicked — mass confusion! — and ran helter-skelter from Israel. 11 Israel poured out of Mizpah and gave chase, killing Philistines right and left, to a point just beyond Beth Car. 12 Samuel took a single rock and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it “Ebenezer” (Rock of Help), saying, “This marks the place where GOD helped us.”
(from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)
I wonder how many times a father walked by Ebenezer with his son or daughter and the child asked, “what is that?” It was both a reminder to the Israelites and also an opportunity to teach those that came behind them of God’s great love and faithfulness.Â
I want to mark all the places where God helps me. I want to always remember that God is, and always has been, faithful. No matter what life brings my way I can depend on God to carry me through. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow but I am certain God will be where He always is. And He’ll provide as He always has.
From my heart to yours
God is so good.
I want to share something with you that comes from the very bottom of my heart. I don’t want to get pregnant. There, I said it. AFter 3 1/2 years of trying desparately to get pregnant, I can tell you honestly that I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I am so HAPPY to be adopting that I can’t imagine having a baby any other way. I know it’s hard to believe and even harder to understand, but it is my truth. It is a testament to God’s Grace and nothing else.
Many people have said to me, “well, now that you’re adopting…….you’ll probably get pregnant!” What I don’t think you understand is that I really, truly do not wish that to happen. If it were to happen, it would show us all that God does have a sense of humor! But it isn’t what I desire. I tell you the Truth, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. Throughout our struggle with infertility, we prayed for God’s will. We prayed first what He has for us and we prayed the He would help us not to settle for anything less.
Some of you may have heard me say, “I only want what God has for me. EVEN if that means I don’t have a baby….I know that God’s plan is better than my plan.” I feel like I repeated it like a broken record. But those were not just words, they came from my heart and I believed them. I’ll admit that I prayed those words with tears streaming down my face on many occasions, but I meant them. And God has changed the desire of my heart. I know, now more than ever, that what He has for me is far better than anything I could ever want for myself. Praise God for that blessing!
On Sunday, our sermon was on “fighting the good fight”. You know, putting on the belt of Truth, the shield of Faith, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of Salvation, the feet of Readiness?? (i think) and the sword of the Word. Very close to that if not it exactly - my apologies to any Bible scholars who might be reading this! 
Anyway, I feel like that is exactly what we are doing right now. We are fighting for our children.
I say “fighting” because sometimes i feel like there are one thousand reasons why we should not move forward in this process. It’s scary and very uncertain. And it seems that just when I’m at my weakest, someone feels it necessary to “share” a story with me about some horrific experience someone they know had when adopting. (i mean, really, when you find out a woman is pregnant do you tell her about every woman you know who has had a miscarriage?) We’re fighting the fear and the uncertainty….the unknown.
Here’s our biggest fear: that we will have a baby placed with us and he/she will not become eligible for adoption and will eventually leave our arms. This is not only a possibility but a very real likelihood. I know that we cannot even imagine the pain that would cause us - but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is BIG enough to get us through it. I trust Him enough to carry us when we can’t stand on our own. We have to remember that when a baby goes home to his/her birthmother, it means another family has survived. We have to trust that God is doing something in her life that we may not be able to see. We have to know that we are blessed to part of God’s plan.
God is so good. Have you met Him? I mean, have you ever really met Him? Come face to face with Jesus? He is dying to meet you. You don’t have to change who you are or “clean up your act” to meet with Jesus. The cool thing about Him is that He meets you right where you are. Romans 10:9 says, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” He is the fullness that fills all the empty spaces in my heart.
P.S. we are going to be parents. It seems so close yet so unbelievable! There is a crib setup in our house. I can’t believe that. Sometimes I go in the nursery and touch it jsut to be sure….
Don’t stop the Comments! Keep ‘em coming!
