My Ebenezer

We have an anonymous email account set up so the bparents can send notes for the kids. Which they’ve done about 5 times over the last 2 1/2 years. Anyway, I got a note from bmom today that said, among other things, “…I wish you lived with your real father and real mother but I know you are happy….”

Okay, bleep. Here’s the deal. A REAL mom does not do drugs while she is pregnant. A REAL mom shows up to visit her child. A REAL mom would walk through fire to get her kids back if they were taken from her. A REAL mom doesn’t have to send her kids emails because she hasn’t been able to have any contact with them in two years. A real mom finds a way to put her children before her addiction or she gets the help she needs so she can do that. A real mom feeds her kids regularly. A real mom keeps her kids safe. A real mom gives her children stability. A real mom doesn’t sell her kid’s toys so she can buy drugs.

You are not a real mom. Your children don’t know you and they probably never will. I am the only mom they will know and I am the kind of mom they deserve. I get up with them at night when they are sick - I doubt you ever heard the middle of the night cries. I comfort them. I discipline them. I nurture them. I love them with a selfless kind of love. I love them enough to teach them about Jesus and try to model Christ for them in all the ways that I can.

You will never read these words because as much as i would like to speak them to you, it would not be good for MY children. I want to preserve whatever kind of relationship I can with you so that they can find you when they are much older, should they decide to do that. I remind myself over and over that it is not my job to punish you. It is my job to be Jesus for you and believe me, it is hard to do. When you wrote that you would be getting Isaac back because you are going to do everything CPS asks you to do, I won’t ask you why you haven’t shown up for any visits. I won’t ask you why you haven’t shown up for any testing. I won’t even ask you why you didn’t ask me how Isaac was doing in this email.

Isaac is my son. He has been from the very beginning, way back when I first learned of his conception.

4 Comments »

Visit made me sad.

No one showed up to see my little Isaac.

His bparents have not seen him since he was 6 days old.

1 Comment »

Well, we’re just about to NB. The visit is scheduled for noon and it is anyone’s guess as to whether or not the bparents will show. I believe they will be there today. I’m also confident in the caseworker to closely monitor the visit - making sure everyone is of sound mind before handling baby Isaac. Wait. Scratch that. Can’t call him Isaac at the visit.

Big kids are home with Granny and Isaac is sleeping “like a baby” in the truck. He really likes the car, which is a good thing. I’m a little nervous but also anxious to see how everyone is doing. I think I have a fear that CPS will not let us take Isaac home for one reason or another. It’s silly. But until the papers say he’s mine it is a concern. As soon as that thought enters my mind, the verse from Corinthians joins it, “perfect love casts out all fear”. I know God is in control and I have faith that He will see us through. Most importantly, I have faith He will see baby Isaac through it all.

Today marks two weeks since we met Isaac. It seems he’s been with us a lot longer than that. Speedy and Princess are really doing great with him and seem to be as happy as ever. Though I must say with her new haircut, Princess looks a lot more like a “big sister”.

Everything about Princess these days is all about independence. The poor kid even changes her own diaper now. Sad, isn’t it? One morning I was feeding Isaac and we were running a little behind schedule - Princess needed to be changed and dressed so I told her to go get me a diaper. She took the wet one off and threw it in the trashcan and brought a pull up into the den. She had some trouble seeing what she was doing so Speedy helped her take off her nightgown. Then she put her fatt, naked butt on the floor and proceeded to put on her own diaper. Nice, huh? Ever since then, if you mention a diaper change she screams, “DO IT ISELF!” It’s actually quite funny. I know. I know. I really do need to potty train her. Especially since she keeps wanting to change her pull up right after she potties in it. We’ll get there, but one step at a time.

This weekend, we are going to finish the kids’ rooms. Princess is moving into a “big girl” room and we’re painting it a soft green. I’m going to order some large polka dot wall stickers in pinks, purples and blues to put all over her walls. Someday I might paint them but for now, stickers will have to do. She’s very excited about her big girl bed and her new blanket….she even told me she was getting a new pillow. (she doesn’t have one at all now) I’m going to put a baby bed up in the room and let her sleep there until she can climb out. Or, we may try letting her sleep in the twin bed, if she wants to, and then just putting her in the crib when/if (really, WHEN) she gets out during the middle of the night.

We’ll see how it goes.

Isaac’s room will be the nursery and we’ll paint over the pink stipes with blue ones.

3 Comments »

When I saw the birthparents after court the other day, I gave them some photos of Speedy and Princess meeting Isaac for the first time. I also gave them some photos of just Speedy and Princess. They were excited to see them but never said thank you or even asked how any of them were doing. Several people have commented that they were surprised I would give them photos.

Why not?

Although I sometimes find myself getting angry and wanting to be mean when i think of the things I know they put my children through, I have to constantly remind myself that it is not my job to punish them. Just as Christ forgave me, it is my job to forgive them. And to love them. And despite the choices they have made, I know they are hurting deeply. I can’t imagine the emptiness their lifestyle fills them with or the ache that is left over after a high. My heart goes out to them.

It’s easy to believe that we are better than that and nothing like that could ever happen to us. We would never make those choices. But how do any of us really know how close we may have come? We may have been one friend away from a life of bad choices. We may have been one drink away from an addiction that would consume us. There is no way we can be sure how close we may have come.

It is not my place to stand in judgement of the birthparents or of anyone else. In fact, I am grateful to them. It’s a twisted kind of emotion that causes me to be grateful for the terrible choices they have made that brought my children home to me.

I’m not always good at living out God’s mercy and grace - most of the time I’d say I fail miserably. But I have prayed from the beginning that God would soften my heart toward them and I believe it has made all the difference. I need to pray that same prayer about a few more people in my life. (go on, I know you want to shout ‘Amen’) ha ha ha

Love is a funny thing. The people who are most difficult to love are usually the ones who need it the most.

1 Comment »

Remember when I used to stalk my caseworker, before we brought Speedy and Princess home? If you were around back then, you know what I’m talking about. I’m too lazy to go look up any links this afternoon….

Anyway, now I really am a stalker. I even have friends who have offered to help (thanks, Brigitte). Speaking of Brigitte, who would you call if you killed someone and needed someone to help you hide the body? Brigitte is my person. She’s the one who would ask no questions and carry all the dead weight I asked her to carry. ha ha. I’m not sure if that is really a compliment, but I’d like to think that it is.

Back to the stalking. Calling case workers, hospital social workers, etc…. all in an effort to keep a child safe. Part of me feels like a baby snatcher. But it really isn’t like that. I would love to bring this baby home, but I also LOVE my family just the way it is. I can live with this baby being in another healthy home, though I would prefer it to be our home. What I can’t live with is knowing that this child could go home with birthparent who is simply not capable of being a parent right now. I’d like to believe that a person can change dramatically over the course of two years, but evidence doesn’t support that. I can’t save every child out there, but if I can make a difference for just this one, then you bet your butt I’m going to. Stalker or not, I will do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe. Because at the end of the day, I’m the one who sees my reflection in the mirror. And if I could have done more but didn’t, I wouldn’t want to see that reflection.

1 Comment »

Well, I finally feel like we really are going to have a baby. I’m tracking baby’s progress and everything. LOL. What I mean is that I now have a due date. Right now, birthmom is 29 weeks pregnant, making her due on June 16. Ironically, June 16 is the birthday that daddyo and I share. I have no expectation of her making it to that date, but still I think it is way cool.

My money is on May 12 or somewhere closer to that.

Ready. Set. Baby.

Some of you may wonder what we’re doing to get prepared. Nothing, really. We have a bassinet and we’ll buy bottles when the time comes. We’ll have to go and get diapers, anyway.

God, please continue to protect this child from harm. Provide all the food and nutrition it needs and help this innocent little one to grow strong and healthy.

4 Comments »

Not much in the way of updates lately. I’ve been slammed with work and trying to balance work and kids and babysitters etc…

Changes are abroad in the Ebenezer family. Is that really a word that fits there? Abroad? What am I thinking? My mind doesn’t seem to function on the same level it once did. I used to be pretty smart. Downright intelligent. Something happened.

Speedy cut his hair with scissors at school yesterday. He’d just had a haircut so it isn’t really THAT noticable. Until you get closer. And see the bald spots on his head. He did that yesterday and school pictures are today. His wonderful teacher was afraid I’d be upset but I think it is hysterical. I’m just so grateful it was HIS OWN hair he cut and not someone else’s. It was just a matter of time.

Princess is now sleeping in a toddler bed. Which I hate. She does okay with it but loves her newfound freedom of getting out of bed at 3am to come in and say Hi to mom and dad. Her teacher gave me a brilliant idea of putting up a baby gate in her doorway. Wish that had occurred to me several nights ago. See the remark about being smart above.

Tamara asks what we’re doing to get prepared for baby #3. Nothing really. Except getting Princess out of her baby bed. We don’t know what else to do. Can’t really plan on a room since we don’t know the sex. We have a bassinet and can’t really remember anything else we absolutely have to have the first few weeks other than diapers and formula.

I think one reason it is hard to plan for is that I’m just so not sure it is going to happen. With CPS, anything is possible. I’m just afraid they are going to screw up and place the baby with another family.

1 Comment »

I guess I lost some of you a while back.

Tamara asked in the last post about birthmom possibly being pregnant.

Yes, I am talking about the birthmom of my children and yes, we are planning for baby #3. We aren’t sure she is pregnant and we aren’t sure when she is due. CPS will take custody if they are alerted to the fact that she has given birth.

It’s a strange place we’re in. I mean, I’ll be thrilled to have another baby. I’ll also be thrilled to continue with the little family we have. So, we’re just waiting to see what happens.

I think God gets a big kick out of watching me in situations like these. He is constantly reminding me that I am in control of nothing.

Edited to add:

We have confirmation of a pregnancy with an expected due date in June. Which means we’re planning for May.

5 Comments »

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how screwed up our society is. We have so many people in jail that we let the “good guys” out early. Birthmom was in jail, sentenced to 30 days and was released after 15. “Time off for good behavior”. This is a pregnant drug addict (suppsedly pregnant) we are talking about. I hope that the jail did not know she was pregnant or that she really isn’t pregnant. If they let her go early knowing she is pregnant, that pisses me off in a whole new way.

In Texas, it is not a crime to do drugs while you are pregnant. Obviously, drug use is a crime, but doing it while pregnant is not an additional crime. If someone murders a pregnant woman who is far enough along, he can get charged with two counts of murder or at least one count muder and one count manslaughter. But a woman can pass drugs to her infant and nothing is done.

I’m feeling extra pissy today. Can you tell? It’s going to be a long day with work and even longer with more work. ARGH.

1 Comment »

I haven’t been writing much lately, I’ve been pretty busy with work and just haven’t been “in the mood”. Actually, I’ve been cleaning a lot again and am happy to report that the kids rooms are spotless.

We’ve started the process to re-certify as foster parents so we will be eligible to have baby placed with us. We still aren’t 100% certain she is pregnant but the general assumption is that she is. I don’t know when she is due, but by my calculations, the absolute latest she can be due is the end of May.

It’s hard to refer to a baby that may not even exist so I’m just going to call him/her Jeremiah. The moment I heard she was reporting a pregnancy, my heart began praying for God’s protection on that fragile little life. I don’t know what God’s plan is, but I trust Him completely. I know you already know why I chose Jeremiah - because God’s plan is for a future and a hope. (29:11)

It’s hard to even process it all - it’s so different from the last time we went through the process. I’ve had the paperwork for a few days but haven’t filled it out yet, not because I’m not excited but just…well, just because. I guess I feel like I have plenty of time. Do I want this baby? Absolutely. When I think about too much, I start to get really excited. But I don’t live in that state of excitement because life is still happening daily around here. It’s confusing for me to understand, I have no idea how to paint a verbal picture of what’s happening inside my heart and my head.

I love our family and our life. I love that things are getting easier with the kids. I love that they are getting more independant. (okay, I also hate that) I love that everyone can walk on their own.

I’m not excited about the exhaustion of having a newborn. I’m not crazy about starting over again. I’m not sure I can handle three kids. I wonder what it will be like if there are serious complications from the drug exposure and the alcohol.

I can’t wait to hold Jeremiah close to my heart and smell his/her head. I can’t wait to watch Speedy and Princess meet their new sibling. I can’t wait to see the miracle God is working on even as I type this. I can’t wait to experience a newborn without the crazyness of having two children at one time.

I don’t know that I can handle it. But I do know that God can. I know that He has equipped me to do whatever it is He will call me to do. I believe Jeremiah 29:11. I believe it applies to me and I believe it applies to Jeremiah. And i’m here to do whatever it is God calls me to.

The one thing I’m not is worried. Strangely, I am completely at peace. Maybe we’ll have a baby in a few months and maybe we won’t. If we handled two at once we can certainly handle one. I’m not at a place where I’ll be disappointed if Jeremiah does not exist. I can not control what happens and have no way of looking into the future. I’m just along for the ride and i can’t wait to see where it takes me.

I can say that I am hoping for another baby. I am praying for a healthy baby. And I am also completely happy with the babies I have. God has blessed us so immensely, I just can’t imagine that there is more…. But I’m ready and I’m willing.

3 Comments »