“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11
A few years ago, BK (before kids), four other ladies and myself met once or twice a month in an infertility support group. We prayed together and for each other. We laughed. We cried. We hoped. Infertility is a brutal road to navigate and I couldn’t have done it without the help of a few good friends.
We all got together again this morning for the first time…. just look at us now.
Well, we went to Target today and bought 3 big bins to pack all our stuff for the beach. Since we’ll be traveling in daddyo’s truck, we figured that would be easier than suitcases. 
I’ve already filled two of them and haven’t put any clothes in except for bathing suits. But we aren’t planning to take many clothes anyway - who needs clothes at the beach? :O
By the way, please pray for a special friend of mine who is today at 7:30am going in for the first major step in an IVF treatment. For those of you who are not from the land of the infertile, she and her husband are trying invitro fertilization. I don’t even know if I spelled that right. Geez, how things change. Anyway, just pray, will ya?
Also, LindaL, how the heck are you? I can’t find your email address anywhere. 
I got a call today from one of our associate pastors. He told me about a lady in our church who was interested in talking to someone about her infertility.
Rewind about 3 ½ years.
I got a group of girls together who were all facing the same obstacles to starting a family that we were – well, maybe the obstacles weren’t exactly the same, but you know what I mean. Anyway, we started a little Bible Study slash support group for women and we met for several months. The group just kind of dissolved as we all “graduated” in one way or another.
So I’ve been contacted a couple of times by pastors in our church asking if I’d be willing to talk with women who were in that same situation now. Absolutely. In fact, today I told him he didn’t even need to ask me about it anymore – just give out my contact information as needed.
As soon as he told me about her, I was reminded of something I heard in a sermon week before last. You can’t really minister to someone else’s hurt until you’ve experienced your own.
How grateful I am for the opportunity to listen to someone else who’s walking in shoes I’ve already outgrown. (or thrown out, maybe) I really hope she calls me and I can’t wait to hear her story. I hope I can be of some encouragement to her and avoid saying all the stupid things that people who aren’t members of the club often say. One thing I’ve learned is that membership in the “infertility club” is a lifelong commitment. Even when you are no longer active, you still belong and help others feel like they’re not alone.
Jun 21st 2007Cindy22 & 23 & 26 & 8
So much of our married life has been filled with the despair of infertility, the hope of adoption and now the agony of parenting. Ironic, isn’t it? 
I have no regrets about our choices. Hindsight is really 50-50 and I can see so many of the “whys” I asked before Speedy and Princess. I’m so grateful we never got pregnant. We are so blessed with Speedy and Princess. I know that God chose them for us and us for them. So I really get frustrated with myself when I start to resent some of the smaller things. I missed the first 22 months of Speedy’s life. I never got to have just one baby - I have no idea what it is like to the parent of one child. I missed a lot of alone time with him. I’m also missing alone time with Princess because she is such a good, easy natured baby, it seems that Speedy is the center of much of our activities. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot. When i do have time alone with her, I’m usually so tired that I can’t enjoy it as much as I should. I tend to take advantage of the fact that I can kind of “coast” for a while.
I get plenty of babysitter time but I use that mostly for work. Working part time is a huge blessing and I have no room to complain about it. But I do find myself stressing about it, even when I’m not working. For instance, right now I have a pile of stuff that needs to be done. I can’t do it when I’m here with the kids and when they go to sleep I’m too tired to even think about it.
But I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I adore my kids. Even when other moms are giving me the evil eye as Speedy runs around at gymnastics, I love that kid. And I love his energy and his enthusiasm for life.
Speaking of gymnastics. Sigh. For the first 15 minutes Speedy sat on my lap or right next to me crying. He had just woken up from a too short nap and it wasn’t pretty. I went with him to his first station and coaxed him along a bit and he finally started warming up - but he wanted me right there with him. Keep in mind that as I am moving from station to station with him I’m also balancing Princess on my hip. He finally “woke up” enough that I could go and sit in a chair but he kept a close eye on me. Compared to last week, he was wonderful. He did fall off of something (something he wasn’t supposed to be on) and hurt himself a little and I’m hoping he learned a lesson in that. He did okay, ran off a few times and sat in time out once or twice. Once I put him there myself. We did leave a few minutes early because he wasn’t listening anymore at all and I was just done. I think next week will be better. (fingers crossed)
Maybe you’re wondering about k-man? You know, the friend of Speedy’s I invited to tag along because I knew they’d both get into mischief together? He was WONDERFUL. Listened very well, followed directions and had a blast. Showoff.
The thing is, Speedy has been really clingy these past few weeks and I’m guessing it has to do with all of the little changes in his life. Potty training, no more MDO for the summer, new Sunday School class, no more high chair, etc….. It’s almost as if he is so ready to be a “big boy” but is still trying to cling to toddlerhood. I’m hoping it is just a phase. I’m just trying to give him lots of reassurance and encouragement.
This is turning into more of a book than a post and I’m all over the place. So be it.
I try to be so sensitive to married people who don’t have children because you never know if it is something they are hoping for or struggling with. I also try to be sensitive to people who have just one child for the same reasons. I know now why no one ever told me “the real deal” with parenting. I just wouldn’t have been able to get it. Just like my friends with no kids can’t understand how there could possibly be days when I just don’t like my kids. Or how my friends with one child could every get that it is so much more difficult with two, especially when they are close together. Okay, so I can’t really compare having two to having just one, but I’m going with what other people have told me. It’s like when you have two children, especially when they are toddlers and/or preschoolers, you are in a secret club. You can say things to each other that you couldn’t say to anyone else. I wonder if that secret club exists for parents of three or more children as well? I’m guessing it does. My hats off to you moms of three or more. I don’t know how you do it. Feel free to drop off one of your kids at my house for the day - but I want the one who is easiest.
All of you Mother’s out there have probably been wished a happy day a hundred times over already so I’m not going to mention it here. I want to offer a word of encouragement for all you who are longing to become mothers - either through conception or adoption. Hang in there. There is hope and your day will come. I promise when you get there the wait will have been more than worth it. As someone’s who’s been there, I haven’t forgotten you.
Several people have suggested that today must be monumental for me - being my first “legal” Mother’s Day and all. But it doesn’t feel monumental at all - just normal. Last year was a big day for me and I guess i knew deep in my heart that even though it wasn’t legal, they were mine already. Speedy woke me up this morning with “Happy’s Muthas Day”. It was very sweet.
Right now it is raining and this is what I can hear from the playroom:
Speedy: HEY! Stop it! Stop waining on my caar! Stoooop! Stoooop dat! don’t wain on my car. Daddy, i said to the wain to stop it!
To all of my fellow infertiles:
I remember.
I know that as you wander through this Holiday Season that your heart is longing for a child to love. I know that dull ache deep within you - the kind that you get when you miss a loved one you haven’t been with in a long time; a sort of homesickness, if you will.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad when you pass a toy store. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not being able to “get in the spirit of things”. Treat yourself to a hot chocolate on a cold day and dream of the children you will one day shop for. Indulge yourself by imagining those children and what they might like for Christmas and don’t chastize yourself for dreaming.
I know you know what Christmas is all about and I know that you will celebrate Christ in your own way. I understand if you need to do that quietly this year. Please don’t feel guilty or selfish. God knows your heart and His is breaking right along with it.
When you see me in the mall with my two little ones, I hope I’ll have the chance to tell you that I’ve been where you are and I remember. As you watch me trying to choose a baby doll and tears well up in your eyes, I hope somehow you’ll know that I’ve been there. That things aren’t always what they seem.
Christmas time has to be the hardest when you want desperately to be parents but can’t be because of infertility or circumstance. Regardless of where you are in any treatment or cycle, I know what you are thinking, deep down, is that maybe this will be THE month - your own special Christmas miracle. You may even be imagining how you will tell the family on Christmas day that you finally got your heart’s desire. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming so go on and allow yourself that simple escape.
And if you come to the point when you realize that this won’t be the year and you think again for the THIRD or the FIFTH or the TENTH year in a row, “surely by next year we’ll have a baby” just know that I remember. Know that I offer up a special prayer for you. Know that God is faithful and you can trust Him even when you can’t understand His ways.
Jul 26th 2005Cindy22 & UnCategorized
The other day I posted about some of the differences between being pregnant and waiting to adopt. Today, I was talking to my friend, who shall remain nameless, who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy four months ago and she listed yet another benefit of not giving birth.
It seems she has lost some of the control of her bladder. Well, technically, it isn’t her bladder but something I can’t spell that she’s lost control of. It seems that if her bladder is at all full and she sneezes, she also pees. Not just a drop or two, either…enough so that it runs down her leg. I’ve decided to call this “Peezing” - it’s what you do when you sneeze and pee at the same time…more accurately when you sneeze and it makes you go pee. I’ve submitted “Peezing” to Webster and hope it will be added to the next edition of the dictionary.
If ever there was a benefit of not giving birth, this must be it. No peezing for me, thank you very much.
I’m adding this first sentence after I’ve written the entire post. BEWARE, sarcasm ahead. I feel better now that you’ve been warned.
I am so blessed to have recieved so many encouraging words both through the adoption process as well as through our battle with infertility. I’ve also been um, err, hmmm…. let’s just say “exposed” to some words that weren’t so encouraging, even though I knew they were meant to be. You see, I think so many times people want to help, want to offer support, but they just don’t know how. Why can’t we, as humans, understand that our greatest gift to someone who is struggling is to just listen. That’s it. Listen. I KNOW this, I’ve even been trained but I still screw it up on a regular basis.
Seeing as how I am the QUEEN of sticking my foot in my mouth, giving unsolicited advice and just saying stupid things when I should keep my mouth shut - i’ve been pretty patient and not too hurt by most of the um, err…hmmm…”exposures”. What I’d like to do here and now is tell you what stings so that you can be better able to support and encourage those you know who are dealing with either infertility or adoption.
For all of my “sisters” who are struggling with infertility, this one’s for you. What NOT to say to someone who is struggling with infertility:
1) You just need to relax. (really? I need to just relax? Is that going to make my MEDICAL CONDITION go away? When someone has a broken arm, do you tell them to “just relax”?) Granted, there are a lot of situations where women don’t get pregnant because they are stressed, however, being told to “relax” only increases the stress!
2) Go on vacation. (really? Going on a vacation I guess is going to help me relax which will help me get pregnant, right?)
3) Keep your hips elevated after sex. (Yes, people REALLY said this to me.)
4) If it’s God’s will, it will happen. (we know this, believe me, infertility brings up a lot of spiritual issues…while this is true, it is NOT helpful)
5) I just know it’s going to happen for you soon. (you do? seriously? what, did God send you an email or something? Can I get His address from you because I have some questions…..)
6) and finally, for those of you facing infertility after having one or more children, you should just be glad that you have one child (thanks, cause before you said that I really wasn’t glad about that. but you’re right, i should just be glad i have one already. I’ll stop trying for another one immediately and I’m sure the ache in my heart will just go away.)
All of you fellow infertiles, feel free to add your own to the list using the comments. All sarcasm is welcome here. LOL
I really believe handling those comments helped prepare me to handle things I hear when I tell people I’m adopting. I know this post is already bathed in sarcasm, it’s meant to be funny - not bitter. I am only sharing this here because i know that if you take the time to read this blog, then you care and you want to be supportive. So, at the risk of stepping on your toes, here’s the list of what not to say to people who are or have adopted:
1) Have you tried to have your OWN children? (geez, paahhhleeeaasee stop refering to the biological children i can’t have as my “own” children. They are growing in my heart right now and when I adopt, those children will be our own. If you must reference them, a good alternative is biological children.
2) Will you be able to learn anything about the real parents? (please refer to them as birth parents or biological parents - WE will be REAL parents)
3) What race is the child you will adopt? (does it really matter?) I know you are curious - I’m just not sure how you can ask this question. I’m speaking only for myself on this one because this is a very touchy subject with me - those of you who know why will understand. Just be surprised with us.
4) You’re adopting? Wow, you’re really brave…..I once knew this couple…..blah blah blah blah (we don’t want to hear your horror stories. Everyone knows someone who had a bad experience, please don’t share this with someone who is adopting. Would you tell a pregnant woman about all the miscarriages and still births you know of?)
5) You’re adopting an older child? Aren’t you afraid that the child will have an attachment disorder? (yes, we are afraid of that. HOwever, we are going to be obedient to what we feel God calling us to do and we’re going to trust Him to take care of the details.)
6) Now that you’re adopting, you’re going to get pregnant. (the next person who tells me this is going to see a side of me that I am not very proud of. The side of me that I pray becomes smaller as God gets bigger in my life. for more information, go back and read this post
God is so good.
I want to share something with you that comes from the very bottom of my heart. I don’t want to get pregnant. There, I said it. AFter 3 1/2 years of trying desparately to get pregnant, I can tell you honestly that I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I am so HAPPY to be adopting that I can’t imagine having a baby any other way. I know it’s hard to believe and even harder to understand, but it is my truth. It is a testament to God’s Grace and nothing else.
Many people have said to me, “well, now that you’re adopting…….you’ll probably get pregnant!” What I don’t think you understand is that I really, truly do not wish that to happen. If it were to happen, it would show us all that God does have a sense of humor! But it isn’t what I desire. I tell you the Truth, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. Throughout our struggle with infertility, we prayed for God’s will. We prayed first what He has for us and we prayed the He would help us not to settle for anything less.
Some of you may have heard me say, “I only want what God has for me. EVEN if that means I don’t have a baby….I know that God’s plan is better than my plan.” I feel like I repeated it like a broken record. But those were not just words, they came from my heart and I believed them. I’ll admit that I prayed those words with tears streaming down my face on many occasions, but I meant them. And God has changed the desire of my heart. I know, now more than ever, that what He has for me is far better than anything I could ever want for myself. Praise God for that blessing!
On Sunday, our sermon was on “fighting the good fight”. You know, putting on the belt of Truth, the shield of Faith, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of Salvation, the feet of Readiness?? (i think) and the sword of the Word. Very close to that if not it exactly - my apologies to any Bible scholars who might be reading this! Anyway, I feel like that is exactly what we are doing right now. We are fighting for our children.
I say “fighting” because sometimes i feel like there are one thousand reasons why we should not move forward in this process. It’s scary and very uncertain. And it seems that just when I’m at my weakest, someone feels it necessary to “share” a story with me about some horrific experience someone they know had when adopting. (i mean, really, when you find out a woman is pregnant do you tell her about every woman you know who has had a miscarriage?) We’re fighting the fear and the uncertainty….the unknown.
Here’s our biggest fear: that we will have a baby placed with us and he/she will not become eligible for adoption and will eventually leave our arms. This is not only a possibility but a very real likelihood. I know that we cannot even imagine the pain that would cause us - but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is BIG enough to get us through it. I trust Him enough to carry us when we can’t stand on our own. We have to remember that when a baby goes home to his/her birthmother, it means another family has survived. We have to trust that God is doing something in her life that we may not be able to see. We have to know that we are blessed to part of God’s plan.
God is so good. Have you met Him? I mean, have you ever really met Him? Come face to face with Jesus? He is dying to meet you. You don’t have to change who you are or “clean up your act” to meet with Jesus. The cool thing about Him is that He meets you right where you are. Romans 10:9 says, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” He is the fullness that fills all the empty spaces in my heart.
P.S. we are going to be parents. It seems so close yet so unbelievable! There is a crib setup in our house. I can’t believe that. Sometimes I go in the nursery and touch it jsut to be sure….
Don’t stop the Comments! Keep ‘em coming!
