My Ebenezer

As I was driving home from Bunco tonight (Darn Nicole for winning in THREE categories!) I was thinking about baby Isaac. Wondering what in the world is going on with the bio parents and when this sweet miracle child will arrive. Not really worrying, just wondering and waiting and longing. As I came up on an overpass, I looked up and saw the moon in all its glory - yellowish orange, full and HUGE. Just as I looked up to see that, the music started as if on que and this is what filled my heart:

When I survey the wondrous cross…On which the Prince of Glory died, My richest gain I count but loss And pour contempt on all my pride. See from his head, his hands, his feet…Sorrow and love flow mingled down. Did ever such love and sorrow meet Or thorns compose so rich a crown? O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross… Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live. O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross…All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name. Were the whole realm of nature mine…That were an offering far too small. Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all.

As much as I may be longing for this child, My God is longing even more for me. As much as I may want this child, My God is wanting even more of me. Nothing can I gain - not even a child - means more than the cross. It was a few minutes of peace as i drove in silence pouring out my heart to a God who wants me more than I could ever imagine. I long to hold this baby close to my heart and let him rest his head on my chest. God longs for the same from me. He longs for the same from all of us. I have never met this child and may never even get the opportunity to feel his breath on my cheek, but I love him. What does that say of the love God has for us, His children? How much more, how much greater is His love for us?

Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Because He first loved me.

For a different perspective on a full moon, read what daddyo showed my sister a few years ago… (and seriously, if you haven’t read about that, you really, really should.)

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I stumbled across this old post tonight and was reminded again of God’s infinite power. This is a prayer I feel was truly answered - we did build a decent relationship with the birthmom and have continued that in limited ways over the past two years. I pray it will continue through this next leg of our journey.

In the endless wondering about baby Isaac, the questions pop into my mind with rapid fire: Is baby healthy? When will baby be born? IS baby a boy or a girl? Will baby come home to us? Will we get to see baby soon after he/she is born? Will baby be in the NICU for long? Will we get to see birthparents again? Will there be family visits this time around? Will CPS do what it should and follow through?

Soooo many questions. I only have one answer and it is from Jesus who said, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible .” Mathew 19:26.

EVERYTHING is possible with God. We are praying for a healthy baby. We are praying we get to bring baby home soon after he/she is born. We praying the process runs very smoothly. All we can do is trust that God is in control and fully submit to His authority and His wisdom.

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Wow. I can’t believe it. I have been waiting so long. Yet, still. I have no news. BWAAAAAHHHHAAAHHAAA

In other news, I got a new cell phone and that is very exciting.

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sigh.

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Happy Mother’s Day to all of you are mothers. And happy Mother’s Day to all of you who will one day be mothers. And Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who long to be mothers. I hope your wait is a short one.

What a fabulous day. The weather was great, the food was good and we had both our parents over for lunch. We spent a lot of time outside playing with the kids this afternoon and they had a blast. I’m trying to really enjoy these breezy, beautiful days because I know the scorching heat of summer is just around the corner.

Through all of the fun and beauty in this day, I could not help but think of the child who is not yet mine; who may never be mine. Tomorrow birthmom is 35 weeks along. The day she gave birth to Princess. I know that in normal cases, the longer baby stays with birthmom, the better, but in this case that just may not be true. I pray for baby. Baby “Isaac” as Speedy calls him/her. After reading the story of Abraham and Sarah and how they prayed for a baby for so long, Speedy decided that “our baby” was going to be named Isaac. Anyway, I pray for “Isaac” several times a day and thoughts of him/her rarely leave my mind and never leave my heart.

You know, I said that I wouldn’t be devestated if we didn’t end up with this child. I no longer believe that is true. I ache to hold a tiny baby against my chest and smell the softness of its head, the sweetness of its breath. I long to feel that heart beat against mine. I want to bring Speedy and Princess’s baby brother or sister home. I’m standing in faith and believing it will happen and at the same time asking God to forgive my unbelief. This has always been a difficult place for me to be, spiritually. God calls us to stand in faith and to believe Him. It’s not the believing part I have trouble with - it’s the knowing whether or not I’ve heard Him clearly or just imagined what I wanted to hear.

Your will, Lord. Nothing less. Nothing more. Nothing else.

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An excerpt from February 3, 2006, not long after receiving the call about Speedy and Princess;

It doesn’t seem real to me; that all of this could happen so fast. I don’t believe it is really happening at all. I wan’t going to write until Monday, but we need your prayers. It would be so easy for me to pray that we get both of these children moved to our house and that we get to keep them forever. But we have to think of the children first. Their needs are so much more important than ours - PLEASE pray that God will put them in the place that is absolutely best for them. Pray also for us - that if they come here and are only here for a while that God will give us what we need to survive that.

Above all else, pray for a scared two year old little boy who probably doesn’t understand much of what is happening to him right now.

We are SO STINKIN’ excited we can’t stand it. We’re trying to guard our hearts but we can’t help but love these children already. Thank you, God, for the opportunity, for the hope and for your neverending Grace.

So much of that is what we are feeling today. Only now, it through the perception of parenting for two years. It’s as thought what we experienced for 48 hours before, is being stretched over 9 months now. We are in the final stretch. Birthmom is 33 weeks along now.

People I’d appreciate you praying specifically for:

baby
birthmom
doctors/nurses who deliver the baby
social worker at the hospital
CPS intake worker
investigative CPS worker
Ad Litem appointed to the baby

All of these people will play a key role in bringing this littly guy home.

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My initial excitement/worry/fear/hope of the baby news has subsided and I am able to think much more clearly now. Taking a step back and looking at the situation is always helpful for me, even when it is entirely out of my control!

First off, we are assuming that there is, in fact, a pregnancy. I’m not sure when or if that can even be confirmed until biomom starts showing. So going forward with that assumption, here are the possible scenarios:

A - biomom and/or baby test positive for drugs at birth, CPS is called and custody is immediately taken
B - no drugs in system but someone alerts CPS to the fact that a baby has been born to a biomom who has had rights terminated on two other children, CPS immediately takes custody because of the risk factor

Now, assuming A or B occurs, then:

1 - us or our agency is called since we are linked to this biofamily in the CPS records because we adopted the siblings
2 - CPS overlooks the files and places baby with another family

Obviously, if A or B happens then we are praying 1 will also happen. And it should. Once custody of this child is taken away, I do know that the process that follows will be different than it was before. No services will be offered which means bio parents will have no plan to work to try and regain custody. They would be assigned a court appointed lawyer and could work with that lawyer to fight the court for custody but they’d have little or no chance of that happening.

Keep in mind that nothing has changed for the birthparents. Their situation and their circumstances are much the same as they were when the rights were originally terminated. Should they be able to prove otherwise, then they would have a chance to regain custody of the new baby. But it won’t happen. And it shouldn’t happen.

I feel for them - I really, really do. I can’t imagine the heart ache of losing a child all over again, but it’s not them I’m thinking about. I can’t think about them because they are capable of thinking of themselves. It’s the children I’m concerned for. It’s the baby growing inside her that matters now. That child is more than likely already being abused. I pray for God’s protection on that baby.

It’s an awkward and uncomfortable situation for everyone, I’m sure. But I keep thinking about the baby. That baby deserves to have someone eager for his/her arrival and already willing to prepare a place for him/her. Maybe we’ll never even meet that baby, but that’s okay. I’ll be alright with that. But if we do have another child out there that is meant to be ours, I don’t want to miss one day of loving him/her…one day of anticipating him/her.

Does that make any sense at all?

I mean, it’s crazy, really. We aren’t even absolutely positive that there is a baby at all. And even if there is, biomom could leave biodad and we’d never know what happens unless baby is born positive for drugs. And I won’t wish for that.

There is no way of knowing what the future holds; but I do know Who holds our future and that is enough for me.

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Shock.

Excitement.

Fear.

Longing.

Uncertainty.

Hopeful.

Sick.

Thrilled.

These are just some of the things you feel when you find out that the birthmother of your children is pregnant again. Knowing that in Texas, CPS will automatically take custody of a child born to parents who have already had their parental rights terminated by the court. Knowing that the first place CPS will look to place this child is with the adoptive parents of the siblings.

Please pray for the health and safety of this unborn child.

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I can think of little else but the adoption finalization on Tuesday. That, and planning for the celebration the following Sunday!

I just can’t wait to know that we can go out of town without getting anyone’s permission. No one will be coming to our house once a month to make sure we still meet the standards for certification. I will no longer have to fill out forms every time we go to the doctor or dentist.

Little things ……. but big to us.

I don’t know that I’ll feel any differently when the Judge declares us legally a family. I imagine maybe a huge sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders - but I’m not sure. I just want to know we’re done. I want their names in writing. I want the birth certificate with our names listed as parents.

Several of our family members will be in court with us on Tuesday. It will be video taped and I’m sure we’ll get to take pictures with the Judge. I hope so, anyway. I hope that he will say something like, “Happy Family Day!” - Just for Speedy’s sake.

This is a crazy week - finalizing adoption, sworn in as an advocate and a big party in our home. Glad I don’t have anything to do this week. ha ha ha

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Six months ago today, I went shopping with my mom and Brigitte for some baby girl clothes and some toddler boy clothes. Based on one phone call, we weren’t sure of the size for Speedy so we got several 2Ts, 24months, and even 18 months sized shirts and pants. With all of the potential matches, I’d never been shopping before - not like that. I’d never been certain enough to actually go out and purchase things.

I remember feeling so incredibly overwhelmed that it was finally happening. I couldn’t focus on anything and while looking through clothes I finally broke down with tears. It was a combination of excitement, anxiety and fear. Deep in my heart, I just knew.

Has it really only been six months? I can’t remember life without them.

Today, Speedy said out of nowhere, “i lub you, mommy. in my heart.” I sometimes tell him I love him with my whole heart - guess that’s what he meant.

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