My Ebenezer

A few years ago, BK (before kids), four other ladies and myself met once or twice a month in an infertility support group. We prayed together and for each other. We laughed. We cried. We hoped. Infertility is a brutal road to navigate and I couldn’t have done it without the help of a few good friends.

We all got together again this morning for the first time…. just look at us now.

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I stumbled across this old post tonight and was reminded again of God’s infinite power. This is a prayer I feel was truly answered - we did build a decent relationship with the birthmom and have continued that in limited ways over the past two years. I pray it will continue through this next leg of our journey.

In the endless wondering about baby Isaac, the questions pop into my mind with rapid fire: Is baby healthy? When will baby be born? IS baby a boy or a girl? Will baby come home to us? Will we get to see baby soon after he/she is born? Will baby be in the NICU for long? Will we get to see birthparents again? Will there be family visits this time around? Will CPS do what it should and follow through?

Soooo many questions. I only have one answer and it is from Jesus who said, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible .” Mathew 19:26.

EVERYTHING is possible with God. We are praying for a healthy baby. We are praying we get to bring baby home soon after he/she is born. We praying the process runs very smoothly. All we can do is trust that God is in control and fully submit to His authority and His wisdom.

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So much of our married life has been filled with the despair of infertility, the hope of adoption and now the agony of parenting. Ironic, isn’t it?

I have no regrets about our choices. Hindsight is really 50-50 and I can see so many of the “whys” I asked before Speedy and Princess. I’m so grateful we never got pregnant. We are so blessed with Speedy and Princess. I know that God chose them for us and us for them. So I really get frustrated with myself when I start to resent some of the smaller things. I missed the first 22 months of Speedy’s life. I never got to have just one baby - I have no idea what it is like to the parent of one child. I missed a lot of alone time with him. I’m also missing alone time with Princess because she is such a good, easy natured baby, it seems that Speedy is the center of much of our activities. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot. When i do have time alone with her, I’m usually so tired that I can’t enjoy it as much as I should. I tend to take advantage of the fact that I can kind of “coast” for a while.

I get plenty of babysitter time but I use that mostly for work. Working part time is a huge blessing and I have no room to complain about it. But I do find myself stressing about it, even when I’m not working. For instance, right now I have a pile of stuff that needs to be done. I can’t do it when I’m here with the kids and when they go to sleep I’m too tired to even think about it.

But I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I adore my kids. Even when other moms are giving me the evil eye as Speedy runs around at gymnastics, I love that kid. And I love his energy and his enthusiasm for life.

Speaking of gymnastics. Sigh. For the first 15 minutes Speedy sat on my lap or right next to me crying. He had just woken up from a too short nap and it wasn’t pretty. I went with him to his first station and coaxed him along a bit and he finally started warming up - but he wanted me right there with him. Keep in mind that as I am moving from station to station with him I’m also balancing Princess on my hip. He finally “woke up” enough that I could go and sit in a chair but he kept a close eye on me. Compared to last week, he was wonderful. He did fall off of something (something he wasn’t supposed to be on) and hurt himself a little and I’m hoping he learned a lesson in that. He did okay, ran off a few times and sat in time out once or twice. Once I put him there myself. We did leave a few minutes early because he wasn’t listening anymore at all and I was just done. I think next week will be better. (fingers crossed)

Maybe you’re wondering about k-man? You know, the friend of Speedy’s I invited to tag along because I knew they’d both get into mischief together? He was WONDERFUL. Listened very well, followed directions and had a blast. Showoff.

The thing is, Speedy has been really clingy these past few weeks and I’m guessing it has to do with all of the little changes in his life. Potty training, no more MDO for the summer, new Sunday School class, no more high chair, etc….. It’s almost as if he is so ready to be a “big boy” but is still trying to cling to toddlerhood. I’m hoping it is just a phase. I’m just trying to give him lots of reassurance and encouragement.

This is turning into more of a book than a post and I’m all over the place. So be it.

I try to be so sensitive to married people who don’t have children because you never know if it is something they are hoping for or struggling with. I also try to be sensitive to people who have just one child for the same reasons. I know now why no one ever told me “the real deal” with parenting. I just wouldn’t have been able to get it. Just like my friends with no kids can’t understand how there could possibly be days when I just don’t like my kids. Or how my friends with one child could every get that it is so much more difficult with two, especially when they are close together. Okay, so I can’t really compare having two to having just one, but I’m going with what other people have told me. It’s like when you have two children, especially when they are toddlers and/or preschoolers, you are in a secret club. You can say things to each other that you couldn’t say to anyone else. I wonder if that secret club exists for parents of three or more children as well? I’m guessing it does. My hats off to you moms of three or more. I don’t know how you do it. Feel free to drop off one of your kids at my house for the day - but I want the one who is easiest.

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Current Mood: Nostalgic
Listening to: Duran Duran, Go Go’s, Cyndi Lauper, Def Leopard, Aerosmith, R.E.M., AC/DC, Genesis, Quiet Riot, Cheap Trick, Tracy Chapman, Richard Marx, UB40, Foreigners, Tears for Fears, Journey, Cutting Crew….I think you get the point. If you don’t recognize these names you may as well stop reading now.

Were you an avid fan of any of the great TV shows?

The Love Boat
The Jefferson’s
Trapper John, M.D.
The A-Team
Kate and Allie
Scarecrow and Mrs. King
Family Ties
Night Court
Who’s the Boss?
227
Moonlighting
The Wonder Years
My Two Dads
Cheers

Or what about these great movies?

Cannonball Run
ET
Annie
An Officer and a Gentleman
Terms of Endearment
Footloose
Gremlins
Karate Kid
Back to the Future
Goonies
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
The Secret of my Success
Dirty Dancing
Rainman
Look Who’s Talking

For all you “Material Girls” out there, here’s a great radio station where you can listen to music from the best decade ever. If you want to remember your parachute pants, your coca-cola shirts, your permed and poofy hair then this is definitely the place for you.

I gotta go burn some CDs. Lookout itunes.

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Delighted. Excited. Giddy. That’s it. I think “giddy” perfectly describes my mood today. I don’t have an emoticon for that so you’ll just have to trust me. I’m just so excited; I’ve spent every spare moment I’ve had today playing with working on my new toy computer. “Dolly”

By the way I was acting, you’d think I’d have just gotten a new diamond ring or necklace or some other piece of expensive jewelry. But no, for me, something electronic raises my heart rate faster than any baubles or beads. Especially a new computer.

I could bore you with the technical specifications but you probably wouldn’t read it even if I did. So I’ll just say this: Dolly kicks some serious booty!

Rewind two days.

It’s late Thursday evening and my back is aching from sitting at my computer for the last few hours - but I’m finally ready. I’ve backed everything up. I’ve checked and double checked all of my programs to make sure I’ll be able to reinstall them once I wipe out my hard drive. You read that correctly, I said “wipe out my hard drive”. I’m no Bill Gates or any other kind of developer or programmer or anything like that at all; yet from time to time I feel compelled to prove to those around me that I’m really not a techie.

I could go into all the reasons I needed wanted to do this, but again, you’d be bored. Unlike the sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat feeling you have right now. As I’m about to break my arm patting myself on the back for doing such a good job backing everything up and locating my system recovery disk, etc…. I put in the recovery disk and press the magic buttons - and wait.

WHAT? You can’t find my hard drive? What the heck? So I shut down and reboot and do the whole thing over again. And then I prove that I’m not only NOT technically inclined, but I’m also insane. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I did this for about an hour and half and was completely perplexed as to why I couldn’t even figure out how to reformat my hard drive. Some people do that on accident.

insert epiphany.

I was using the HP recovery disks on my Gateway laptop. Whew! That’s good news, right? Now I know what I need to do in order to get this project moving….since it’s already eleven pm. I knew right where my Gateway recovery disk was because although I’m incredibly unorganized, I pride myself on throwing all my computer application disks in one drawer carefully filing my disks. So I just whip out the righ cd, hit a few buttons and WHAM! My hard drive is gone. All programs, all files, even the operating system. The only thing I can get to now is the black DOS screen.

So I reboot and prepare to reload Windows and then transfer the necessary files and reinstall applications so I can go to sleep. All in a suicidal attempt to make my computer go faster. but at least I’m almost done. Or am I?

WAIT! NO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN INSERT THE BLUE DISK? WHAT BLUE DISK? I DON’T HAVE A FREAKIN’ BLUE DISK.

It seems that there should have been two gateway cds and the one I was missing was the one with Windows on it. Oops. I was exhausted but I stayed up for another hour tearing my office apart looking for that $%##@ disk.

Let’s just say I didn’t sleep well that night and leave it at that.

You should really be glad I’m telling you the short version of this story. Seriously, you should hear the long one. The next day I tell daddy-o what I’ve done and, thankfully, we both laugh (a little uneasily) about it. I mention something about buying another copy of Windows and he has this idea that the operating system will cost seven to eight hundred dollars. Before I can tell him that it’s only about three hundred, he says, “we may as well buy a new computer.”

To make a long story longer, I did tell him how much Windows would be but he’d already said those eight magic words. I was already building my dream machine in my head and wondering how much it would cost. After talking with a tech at HP, I quickly realized that my dream machine would have to remain just that - a dream. However, we did find an incredible alternative and somehow convinced ourselves that we needed this.

Alright, just so you know…….the computer and 22″ flat screen monitor computer we bought does have a lot of “stuff” that will make my job much easier. Remember, I do all of my work from home now and I’m often multi-tasking - you know, teaching an online class while checking my email or chatting with a friend. So it wasn’t just for fun.

I’m almost finished - I promise. Back to today. I get the machine home and get it all set up and start loading my apps back on it. When I go to load my expensive photo/video/backup/tools/everything program, I realize I’m missing a little something called the KEY. That number that is REQUIRED in order to install the software. Evidently, it’s on the back of the little paper case the cd came in which is nowhere to be found. The good news is that while I’m looking for it I find infamous BLUE disk and start reloading Windows on the laptop. No, I’m not kidding. I looked EVERYWHERE for that disk and then suddenly it appears out of nowhere. It’s like I was destined to get a new computer.

I did end up finding the key code for the other program, just so you know.

Oh, and in the midst of all this, Princess took 2-3 steps. I’ll post more about that because I doubt many of you have made it all the way down here.

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Wow. What a difference a year can make. We started 2006 anxiously waiting for our child(ren) to placed with us. We were still carefree and childless, able to come and go as we pleased and looking forward to what we knew would eventually come.

What we didn’t know is that our wait would be a short one. Life changed for us on February 5, 2006, when we brough Speedy home for the first time. At 22 months, he was a bundle of energy and literally bounced off the walls. He has changed so much - it is hard to believe he is the same little boy. Now that I think about it, I guess it’s because he is not the same little boy. He’s cared for and loved and protected and encouraged and disciplined - things I don’t think he’d ever really had before.

On February 10, we brought our little Princess home and were thrilled but exhausted with having a todler AND a newborn. She was so tiny - I remember that was the very first thing I thought the first time I saw our baby girl. AT 5lbs, she looked so fragile, so delicate, so…..breakable. And beautiful. And wow has she grown! From 5 lbs of just laying there to 17 lbs of energy and life and babbling and trying to walk…… she is amazing. A survivor.

Life sure changed for us in 2006 and I know it will never be the same again. 2007 is “the year of the adoption” and we hope it will finalize by the end of January. I can’t wait to see what else 2007 has to offer. God has been so good to us.

I think daddy-o and I both knew from the very beginning that we’d end up adopting siblings - it was something we both agreed to from the start, that we’d be open to it if the opportunity presented itself. I think God was already preparing our hearts for our little family.

As far as resolutions go for 2007, I’m only making one. Well, maybe two. I’d like to spend more time in God’s word and enjoy my family. That’s not asking too much, now, is it?

HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOGGERS.

May God give you…
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

-an Irish Prayer

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I am not known for my ability to hold my tongue but even I have the common sense to know when to shut up from time to time. I mean, really? Is it that hard to watch what you say when little ears are listening?

I get so excited about the whole story of how we became a family that I too often share it with people who really don’t need to know. It’s a habit that I’ve cut back on after getting the same response from a few people (more on that later). But it’s hard, you know? I mean, God has blessed us so much and I want to share that with others. When people comment about the age difference or ask if it was hard being pregnant while chasing a toddler, what am I supposed to say? I guess I should just say they are adopted and leave it at that, but we all know I’m no good at “leaving ANYTHING at that.”
So I usually say we are adopting from foster care and they are siblings and we got them both at the same time and yes, it was hard but wonderful and God has been so faithful. We didn’t know if we’d be able to adopt them but we felt God leading us to foster anyway and so we did and look how His plan turned out……. yadda yadda yadda

More than once, the question that came out of someone’s mouth had the mother bear in me rearing back, ready to pounce. After explaining that we brought Princess home from the hospital and brought Speedy home when he was 22 months old, it’s been asked, “Oh, why didn’t they want them? He is so cute.” ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Did you REALLY just say that right in front of my child? Lucky for you he is still watching or I’d pound you. Of course, I just smile and say, “oh, EVERYONE wanted him! Sometimes the court decides it’s in a child’s best interest to get new parents, but the birthparents love him so much.” And I get away as fast as I can.

I know, it’s my fault. I can’t tell our story anymore, especially in front of Speedy. We talk about it at home and I tell him a story about “a little boy name Speedy” and how God gave him a new mommy and daddy who had been praying for a little boy just like him. We’ve got that end covered. It’s the stupid people I need help with.

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Home is a funny thing. For most of my life the word home conjured up images of a little three bedroom house with a tiny front porch and a rope swing hanging from a tree in the backyard. I can still imagine the feel of the brown couch, see the bricks around the fireplace and huge old tv with built in speakers on the side.

I remember playing with my very first computer hooked up to that same tv screen - a TI99 4A. I played Q-Bert on it and thought I was a big time programmer when I learned to make the computer keep repeating whatever sentence I typed over and over again on the screen. Hours were spent playing Pac-Man on the Atari and we had a yellow bean bag that we used to jump on and bouce each other off of.

Home was a kitchen with a built in snack bar where we all usually sat for dinner. It was a bathroom closet with a box filled with “community socks” and a little ceramic toilet lid with the saying, “We aim to please; you aim too, please.”

When I was about 17, we moved out of that house and my mom married my step-dad. Although I was very comfortable in that house it was always the little three bedroom that represented home to me.

When I went away to college the word “home” started to change a little. Home still made me think of the little house but mainly I remembered the church I grew up in. Every time I went back to service in that church it felt like coming home. No matter how many times I went away, or how long I stayed away, many of the faces in that church stayed the same.

I like to think of them as “Heroes of the Faith”. People I watched in church as I grew up. People who taught me in Sunday School or GA’s. Men and women, moms and dads of friends and people who just showed up week after week.

I’ll always remember a man I’ll call Mr. G. I didn’t know him all that well, but his wife had taught me in Sunday School. He looked like a grandpa, gray hair, soft face and big belly laugh. I remember that he loved Jesus. I’ll never forget the Sunday he sat behind me in church and he sang louder and prouder than anyone around us. I don’t remember the exact hymn we were singing, but he was praising God with all his heart. That particular morning stands out to me because at the time Mr. G was dying. He had terminal cancer and wouldn’t be on earth much longer.

It’s Mr. G and many others like him I remember seeing week after week in church. Not only people who talked about God’s word, but people who lived it.

I visited that church (in a new location) this weekend at my sister’s. It’s changed so much that it no longer feels like home. It hasn’t for a long time. I know the church changed and I know I changed; I’m not sure who changed more. I don’t see many of the same faces I have such fond memories of, but one face and hairstyle hasn’t changed in 20 years. I won’t name names but it made me laugh to see her looking so much like she did so many years ago.

So as I sat there and listened with one ear to the sermon, I mentally wrote this post. When I think of home now, I think of our current church and the people there. I think of the faces who will repsent “heroes of the faith” to our children and I wonder how those faces will change through the years.

I wish I could go back to the same building and the same people who made up the church I started in. Within the walls where I first learned to trust in Jesus. I wish I could sit on those altar steps one more time or pass notes to my friends during the sermon. I wish some things would always stay the same. I’d like for my hometown to not change so much while I’m away;  those roots are precious.

I’m so thankful that God doesn’t change. NO matter how much I will, He won’t. He is always the same - today, tomorrow and yesterday.

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Something dawned on me today.

I started blogging mid-May, 2005. We started praying only a short time before that for our children, whether born or unborn. I remember praying for God’s protection over them, for their physical safety, emotional safety, mental safety and spritual safety.

Today, I calculated when Princess was likely conceived, based on her estimated due date. It would have been towards the end of May, 2005.

It was only the beginning of March when we decided to pursue foster care adoption. On March 15 we went to an orientation for the agency we chose.

On May 19, we went to our first training class.

We started our training about the same time that Princess was conceived. It was when she was born, five weeks early, that CPS stepped in and took custody of both her and Speedy.

I call that Providential.

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just think, next year, I should be able to get Daddy-O a Father’s Day present! Woo-Hoo! 

I know, now more than ever, that what He has for me is far better than anything I could ever want for myself. Praise God for that blessing! 

P.S. we are going to be parents. It seems so close yet so unbelievable! There is a crib setup in our house. I can’t believe that. Sometimes I go in the nursery and touch it jsut to be sure…. 

We were looking at diaper bags in the store the other day and he said, “I am NOT carrying anything pink or frilly around when I take the kids out.” 

I’m thankful that our families are more than just supportive; they are genuinely excited about this adoption 

I’m thankful for the children I know God has for us

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