Confession is good for the soul… and various other body parts?
Posted: September 12, 2009 at 2:24 pm
So I know this girl…..
She is also training for the marathon and running several times a week to get ready. I shouldn’t laugh because I suppose it could happen to anyone BUTT it’s just too funny not to.
On a recent run, she was about 1.5 from home when she began to have mild gastrointestinal distress and hoped it would go just go away. With every step she took she became more and more convinced that it was definitely NOT going away and, worse yet, it was quickly approaching blast off.
Considering her options, she started to walk because the bouncing of her run was proving more than her colon could handle. “oh no. oh NO. OH NO!!!” Horrified at what she knew she’d have to do she looked around for someone picking up his/her morning paper who might be willing to let her use the facilities but no one was in sight. I guess not many people were up before dawn that day.
Finding a bathroom was no longer a matter of convenience and relief. It was imperative to address the matter head on (well, butt on) before she ended up blasting off in her pants. At that thought, she quickly sat on the curb to delay the impending doom. As she pretended to stretch in case anyone was watching, she prayed she could make it home while at the same time knowing it would be impossible to make it another 1.5 miles without destroying her new running pants.
When she was able to walk again she knew what she had to do. “no. NO NO NO!!” It was unthinkable. She was in a neighborhood, for goodness sake, not out in the back woods. No, she’d make it home. She HAD to make it home. She could get home, take care of business and then just run an extra 3 miles to complete that days track. She was even willing to do the whole thing over again if only she could find some relief.
As she approached the fork in the road she had to choose. Turn right and head for home, running the risk of sharing the unthinkable with every house she passed as her business leaked to the ground with each and every step. OR, turn left continuing the normal path and DOO the unthinkable around the corner where there would be enough bushes to hide. NOOOO!!!
Just as she was about to head towards home she had to quickly sit on the curb again to prevent the relief she longed for. She had no choice. No choice. Butt she just couldn’t fathom crapping in a bush in someone’s yard. Only a monster, a disgusting, filthy, pig of a person would crap in someone’s yard. As I am about to pee my pants laughing so hard she admitted she would think it was funny, too, if it were happening to someone else.
She was almost to her only hope – the bushes by the bridge – and prayed she would make it. As she approached, she looked around to make sure no one was looking. She hoped to see even just one person she could beg for a bathroom but it didn’t think she could take even 2 more steps without losing it.
She did it. She faced off with the bushes and prayed for forgiveness. (and prayed no one saw her entering the area) Once she felt better, she realized that in her distress she hadn’t planned very well. The bushes where she now squatted were full of tiny leaves. Although she was hidden from the street she could easily see the house and knew that if someone were really looking, they’d be able to see her, too.
You have to understand that the yard was HUGE. It was more like an estate than a typical house so there was little chance of anyone peering out that far. In her defense, the people who lived in this house would not ever be anywhere near this spot. Only the yard man would ever come close to the evidence that would convict her and he wouldn’t even be close enough to find it.
Just as she was about to leave the scene of the crime a car turned on the street. Feeling like a common a thief, she hid in the bushes until it had passed and narrowly avoided stepping on her own launch pad.
As she slipped back into her jog she wondered if she should confess her sin and decided it was too much to bare alone. So she chose to trust me with her story in hopes of relieving some of her guilt and swore me to secrecy.
Two very important lessons you should learn from this:
1) if you are going to crap by a bush, pick a bush with large leaves
2) if you must share your experience with someone, choose someone who doesn’t blog
Oh Daddyo
Posted: July 30, 2008 at 2:30 am
Daddyo: Bennigan’s is closing! Man! I need to get one of their neon signs.
Me: What?
Daddyo: they have a sign in the back of every store with my name on it
Me: it says O’Brien not Brien
Daddyo: well, I thought we’d hang it over the bed since that’s what you say to me in there
Sorry. I just had to. Actually, he made me post it. He cracks himself up. 
tags: Humor 2 comments
Hang Time
Posted: July 24, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Last night I was in the den and daddyo was in the kitchen – the rooms are right next to each other. As I was picking up a bit I was suddenly overcome with a smell so horrid I thought surely we were under some kind of alien attack. As I was gasping for air, I noticed daddyo smiling from ear to ear – that smile that could only mean one thing. Although I was dying, he was feeling much better.
We have all experienced this – especially those of you who are married to rednecks. But let me tell you, I have never in my life known a fart to hang around as long as this one did. I was in the other room for 10 minutes (trying to catch my breath) and when I walked back through the den, it STILL stunk. WHAT? It was truly amazing and disguisting all at the same time.
Later, after he was in bed, he farted again and the smell traveled from the bedroom to the hallway and into the den. There was no safe place in our house; no escape. It just blew me away (literally) that a fart could have so much hang time.
Impressive.
Slip n Slide
Posted: May 16, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I forgot to post a week or two ago about the slip n slide. Did you have one of these as a kid? I remember we had a long, yellow one that provided hours of entertainment. I also remembe that it was often difficult to really get a good slide going – we even tried bubbles to make it slicker. At the end of last summer, I bought Carter a Spiderman slip n slide on clearance. I don’t think we’ve ever had so much fun on $3.
I put it out for him and he couldn’t quite get the hang of it. So i said, “step back, honey. Let momma show you how it’s done.” Now, I am not a small woman. I could tell you I am “big boned” but we all know that is just a synonym for big and fat. I’m okay with that description as I have mirrors in my house and know exactly what I look like. And, by the way, not many women can pull of gorgeous and fat the way I can. ha ha ha
Anyway, there aren’t many up sides of being big, but I found one on the slip n slide. As I ran towards the “red carpet” in my backyard and dove onto the slick surface, I flew across the slide like superman. I even ate a little grass at the end. It was so much fun, I had to do it a few more times. I pray none of my neighbors were looking over the fence, but if they videoed it, you can bet they’ll win big money. The surface area and weight give you a lot more momentum on the slippery surface.
My knees hurt like heck the next day, but it was lot of fun.
Who says skinny girls have all the fun?
tags: Humor, Misc 2 comments
un-freakin-believable
Posted: February 26, 2008 at 12:25 am
Daddyo and I are planning a getaway and I thought I found a place we might be interested in. It sounded like something we’d enjoy and I was about ready to book it….until I decided to google it to see if there were any reviews. And look guess what I found?
You really need to click the link and listen to the very short video before reading any further. Seriously. Go back and do it now. Why are you still reading? GO CLICK AND WATCH/LISTEN.
When i saw this my stomach turned. First, I’m constantly amazed at people’s ignorance and outright racist attitudes. Secondly, I’m really ticked that I can’t go there now. Finally, I’m a little shocked and the reply I got from the late owner’s wife. I’m even a little hesistant to put it here for fear of the search engine traffic it might send my way, but here we go. I emailed her the clip and asked if this was the same ranch. (I was fairly certain it was).
This is the response I got from her (and I do quote):
“Oh My God, about Borat….. Yes, we were Borated!! It happened in 2003. He is a comedian
as I’m sure you know. We had never heard of him when he came to our ranch. He specializes
in pretending to be someone he isn’t and then making fun of innocent accommodating hosts.He came to our ranch as someone who wanted to make a hunting video for his fellow Kazakhstanies
to come to Texas to hunt. I didn’t think it sounded right but went along with my husbands wishes.
My husband died in 2004 and I’m sure is turning over in his grave over this. My husband was not
a racist, he had many Jewish friends and loved them dearly. Gene was merely being a good host
and going along with this crazy Jew hating Moslem.“
Um, yeah. doesn’t sound to me like there are any questionable attitudes or beliefs happening there. I have not yet responded because honestly, I’m not sure what to say.
Though I wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea that someone would even go along with something like that just because “the customer is always right”, I guess I could get my mind around how someone might not object to the comments. Someone who is brain dead and doesn’t have a spine, but someone. BUT, how is adding your own commentary on it just “going along with it”. I mean, I guess what I’m saying is that if Borat was making all the anti-semetic comments and the other guy just didn’t say anything, that would be one thing. But he was certainly not quiet. And for someone who “is not racist…”, he sure made some strong anti-semetic statements.
I have to respond. I can not just let it go. I’m just not sure what to say exactly. What I’d like to say is, “um, we’re going to pass, but thanks anyway. Oh, and by the way, when you are trying to convince someone that you are not racist, you might consider avoiding phrases such as ‘Jewish hating Muslim”.
I’m so infuriated.
tags: Humor 2 comments
What do you think about this?
Posted: February 19, 2008 at 6:41 pm
I’m interested to hear what you have to say:
tags: Humor 7 comments
For your entertainment…
Posted: January 9, 2008 at 3:46 am
Remember the one were Rachael had to keep a secret and Chandler couldn’t make fun of people? I don’t know how he did it, I don’t think i could. I just can’t help it. I don’t know if you’ll find the same humor in this as I did, but really…..WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? This was back in August when we were on vacation and it CRACKED ME UP. I took the photos from our balcony.
What’s wrong with this picture?
And then they leave poor old lady to fend for herself. On the very sandy beach. Witha a frickin’ walker.
So, if you’re still with me, let’s play a little game. What is the best caption for this second photo? Leave your response in the comments and I’ll pick a winner. Maybe you’ll even win something exciting or something not exciting at all.
tags: Humor 2 comments
Sentimental Moments
Posted: December 4, 2007 at 4:30 am
I absolutely love watching the kids interact and play together. I swear sometimes they are already teaming up on me. This afternoon, I watched through the rear view mirror as they consipired and was smiling at how sweet they looked. Carter had one finger up and they were both leaning in like they were sharing a secret. It looked as though he were giving her serious life lessons. Evidently, he was. This is what I heard:
Carter: Gracey, THIS is a GIANT BOOGER.
And then it went into his mouth.
GAG!
It could be worse, he could have tried to feed it to her.
tags: Humor 3 comments
Hor-a-ween
Posted: September 14, 2007 at 1:31 am
When was the last time you went shopping for a halloween costume for an adult? Did you notice any common theme on the ladies’ costumes? I mean, seriously, has Halloween become an excuse to dress up like the whore you’ve always wanted to be or what? It’s really bad. I would guess that 90% of the costumes for adult women looked like hookers. I was very disappointed because I already have hooker clothes, I wanted something different for Halloween.
Anyway, I found some cute outfits for the kids but didn’t buy anything. Carter wants to be a pirate and I thought we’d all dress like pirates but then Brigitte suggested we dress Gracey as a parrot and let her ride on daddyo’s shoulders. As cute and creative as that is, I haven’t yet come across a parrot looking costume for a toddler. Or for an adult. We want to all dress up but I’m thinking now that the boys may go as pirates and I don’t know what the girls will go as.
I had a fabulous idea of dressing Gracey in something totally gross or goblin looking – how many goblin toddlers have you seen walking the streets on Halloween? You know it would be hysterical. Daddyo didn’t think so. Actually, he thought it would be funny – just not for Gracey. Everyone expects me to dress her as a little princess so I thought I could do that, and then make just her face look like a zombie or something. Again, Daddyo shot that down. I know it’s a little morbid, but it would be so funny.
Since the boys are dressing alike, I thought it would be fun for us to dress alike also, but no way am I dressing up like a princess. Maybe I’ll go at Ragedy Ann. Or maybe we’ll go as clowns. Ooooh! I could be a clown and Gracey could be my puppy!!!!! Maybe not. I’m open for suggestions. I thought it would be fun for the whole family to dress as The Incredibles, but the kids are too young for that. So, please, suggestions? Boys are pretty much stuck on pirates…..so what about us girls? Ideas?
tags: Holidays, Humor 2 comments
Something to gripe about
Posted: September 12, 2007 at 1:10 pm
I haven’t had anything really good to gripe about in a long time. I think it’s time, don’t you? Rather than griping endlessly about petty little things that drive me crazy, I decided to compile a list:
1 – but cracks. Please cover them up. They are not attractive. ON ANYONE.
2 – friendly parents. You are not meant to be your kids’ best buddy. Act like a parent. They may hate you for a little while, but if you don’t discipline, it’s almost certain they’ll end up hating you for a lifetime.
3 – Some Working moms. Seriously. I like being a stay at home mom. Don’t act like I’m from another planet. It’s great that you choose to work outside the home. Don’t turn your nose up because I made a different choice.
4 – Advice givers. Look, just because I like to give advice doesn’t mean I like to receive it. Especially from you. yes, I’m talking to YOU. When you become perfect like me, then you may give advice freely. 
5 – Perfect Mothers. Get. Over. Yourself. We all know that you are a wreck behind closed doors.
6 – Britney Spears. someone give that poor girl some help.
7 – Angelina Jolie – it doesn’t matter how many kids you adopt, it will never fill the gaping hole in your heart that only God can fill.
8 – girl at the gym with amazing body – really, do you think you need that personal trainer I watch you flirting shamelessly with every day? There are much cheaper ways to get dates, lady.
9 – Husbands who don’t help around the house – yes, I know you work soooo hard all day while your wife just “plays” house with the kids. But do you think it would kill you to do the dishes once in a while? Wash a load of laundry? And just because you are “off” from work doesn’t mean you get to sit on your butt or play golf all day. You are a husband and a father. Act like it. (I’m so grateful that Daddyo is NOT one of these men)
10 – YOU. I mean, can you give a girl a comment once in a while?
11 – Me. Could I be any more shameless?