My Ebenezer

When I saw the birthparents after court the other day, I gave them some photos of Speedy and Princess meeting Isaac for the first time. I also gave them some photos of just Speedy and Princess. They were excited to see them but never said thank you or even asked how any of them were doing. Several people have commented that they were surprised I would give them photos.

Why not?

Although I sometimes find myself getting angry and wanting to be mean when i think of the things I know they put my children through, I have to constantly remind myself that it is not my job to punish them. Just as Christ forgave me, it is my job to forgive them. And to love them. And despite the choices they have made, I know they are hurting deeply. I can’t imagine the emptiness their lifestyle fills them with or the ache that is left over after a high. My heart goes out to them.

It’s easy to believe that we are better than that and nothing like that could ever happen to us. We would never make those choices. But how do any of us really know how close we may have come? We may have been one friend away from a life of bad choices. We may have been one drink away from an addiction that would consume us. There is no way we can be sure how close we may have come.

It is not my place to stand in judgement of the birthparents or of anyone else. In fact, I am grateful to them. It’s a twisted kind of emotion that causes me to be grateful for the terrible choices they have made that brought my children home to me.

I’m not always good at living out God’s mercy and grace - most of the time I’d say I fail miserably. But I have prayed from the beginning that God would soften my heart toward them and I believe it has made all the difference. I need to pray that same prayer about a few more people in my life. (go on, I know you want to shout ‘Amen’) ha ha ha

Love is a funny thing. The people who are most difficult to love are usually the ones who need it the most.

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We often see people on the side of the road, beggin for money and holding a cardboard sign that tells their story in just one phrase. If you were asked to stand on the side of the road and display your cardboard testimony, what would it say?

Watch a very moving clip of a church that did just that. It’s long, but worth the time it will take you to watch.

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Jeremiah 29:11 is not a verse that I see regularly. Not like John 3:16 or John 14:6. It’s not one that is typically found on bookmarks, bumper stickers and t-shirts. So when I run across it, I like to think of it as God’s way of just reminding me He’s still with me.

As I am pulling up to a red light yesterday, I move a little closer to the SUV in front of me so I can read what is on the back. I’m not sure if it was a sticker or actually painted onto the vehicle itself. It was our verse. My heart smiled immediately. Of all the cars on that road, of all the trucks turning left, my van was right behind this one? Not a chance. So maybe that voice in the back of my head starts talking too loud and drowning out all the belief from earlier in the day. And then I get a phone call from a friend in another state, telling me that she has been thinking of me a lot this past week. “Three times in the past few days,” she says, “Jeremiah 29:11 has popped up in random places.”

See, I believe God speaks to us every day but we often miss it because we just aren’t listening. Speedy has this uncanny way of just tuning me out completely when he’s watching TV or doing something else that requires his attention. It’s annoying when he doesn’t respond to me, but he not only misses the things he doesn’t want to hear but he also misses things he does want to hear. Like, “speedy, do you want ice cream?” That’s when I know he has just really tuned me out.

We do that with God a lot. We just completely tune Him out because someone or something else has all of our attention. Every once in a while Speedy will get in trouble for not following directions and he’ll complain that he didn’t hear me. My response is always the same, “you should train your ears to always hear mommy’s voice.” (this only applies to those times when he tunes me out) As Christians, we should train our hearts to always hear His voice.

No, I don’t believe in coincidence.

My body snatching friend shared an experience with me which reminded her of “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” That was this morning. This afternoon I swam with the kids and was retelling the events of the day to daddy. As the words came out of my mouth, His words poured from my heart.

“I kept telling Speedy he would be okay, to go on and swim to the side and I’d be there if he needed me. I told him I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He knows how much I love him and how I care for him every day, yet he was still afraid he wouldn’t be able to come up from the water….”

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

How often does God wonder why it is so hard for me to just trust Him and swim.

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As I was driving home from Bunco tonight (Darn Nicole for winning in THREE categories!) I was thinking about baby Isaac. Wondering what in the world is going on with the bio parents and when this sweet miracle child will arrive. Not really worrying, just wondering and waiting and longing. As I came up on an overpass, I looked up and saw the moon in all its glory - yellowish orange, full and HUGE. Just as I looked up to see that, the music started as if on que and this is what filled my heart:

When I survey the wondrous cross…On which the Prince of Glory died, My richest gain I count but loss And pour contempt on all my pride. See from his head, his hands, his feet…Sorrow and love flow mingled down. Did ever such love and sorrow meet Or thorns compose so rich a crown? O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross… Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live. O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross…All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name. Were the whole realm of nature mine…That were an offering far too small. Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all.

As much as I may be longing for this child, My God is longing even more for me. As much as I may want this child, My God is wanting even more of me. Nothing can I gain - not even a child - means more than the cross. It was a few minutes of peace as i drove in silence pouring out my heart to a God who wants me more than I could ever imagine. I long to hold this baby close to my heart and let him rest his head on my chest. God longs for the same from me. He longs for the same from all of us. I have never met this child and may never even get the opportunity to feel his breath on my cheek, but I love him. What does that say of the love God has for us, His children? How much more, how much greater is His love for us?

Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Because He first loved me.

For a different perspective on a full moon, read what daddyo showed my sister a few years ago… (and seriously, if you haven’t read about that, you really, really should.)

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Yesterday, we Princess and I dropped off our adoption/foster care application while Speedy was in school. When we were eating lunch (Speedy and I), we had this conversation:

Me: guess what Princess and I did today while you were in school?
Speedy: WHAT?
Me: We took our papers to the adoption agency and turned them in so they would know that we want to adopt another baby.
Speedy: Smiles
Me: Remember how mommy told you that we were thinking about adopting another baby?
Speedy: yes
Me: Well, all we have to do now is pray and ask God to bring us a baby
Speedy: Let’s pray right now
Me: Okay, do you want to pray or do you want me to?
Speedy: I want to pray.
Me: Okay, go ahead
Speedy: Dear God, please bring us a new baby. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.
Me: That was sweet, Speedy. God always hears our prayers and now we just have to wait and see what happens. Sometimes God answers yes and sometimes He answers no.
Speedy: He always hears us?
Me: Yes
Speedy: Maybe He’ll bring us some yogurt, too.

This morning, on the way to play therapy as we are listening to the music from “Praise Baby”:

Speedy: Mommy, do you like to be worshipped?
Me: Um….no. I like to worship God - He is the only one who should be worshipped.
Speedy: I like to be worshipped.
Me: You do, huh?
Speedy: Yes, I really do.
Me: How can mommy worship you?
Speedy: By singing to me
Me: I can sing to you anytime, but I only worship God. God likes for us to worship Him. It’s hard to understand - I’ll have to think of a better way to explain it.
Speedy: We worship when we sing.
Me: That’s right. Jesus loves to hear us sing to Him and He is always listening to us.
Speedy: He really loves us.
Me: Yes, He does. Do you know how much Jesus loves you?
Speedy: How much?
Me: A very long time ago, He lived on earth and looked like a man. He died for us, so that one day we can live in Heaven with God. And do you know what happend three days after He died?
Speedy: He came alive again!
Me: That’s right! And now He lives in heaven with God.
Speedy: And in our hearts.
Me: Yes, He lives in everyone’s heart when they ask Him to.
Speedy: He lives in everyone’s heart.
Me: Well, He wants to. But we have to ask Him to live in our heart and when we do, He moves in and He stays forever.
Speedy: Jesus, please come and live in my heart. Amen.

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Guess I haven’t been very diligent about updating lately. Life has been busy.

The quick update is that Speedy will start his new school in January and I think his new teacher is going to be wonderful. He got to meet her today and when we left I said, “she sure seems nice.” His response was, “super-duper”.

The closer Christmas gets the more excited I get. It’s funny how perspectives change after you have kids - I’m no longer excited about the gifts under the tree, at least not my gifts. I CAN NOT WAIT to see Speedy’s face when he sees what Santa brings him. And the other gifts, too. I know Princess will be ecstatic when she sees her “princess dress and jewelry” - I just can’t wait to see their faces.

Back in 2005, Christmas, we were disappointed that we weren’t celebrating with little ones. We knew it would happen within the year, but we were so hoping for a family by Christmas. I can only imagine that God was sitting in heaven, waiting eagerly for February to arrive because He knew that’s when our little gifts would arrive. I know He must have anticipated the looks on our faces and the smiles in our hearts when our dreams became reality. God wants good things for us. He has good things for us. We just have to wait on Him and trust His perfect timing.

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How badly do you want your child to talk to you about his/her day at school? Every time I pick Speedy up from school or Granny’s or wherever, I try everything I can to get him to tell me about his day. Asking direct questions doesn’t work - I have to let him talk at his own pace and sometimes that means I don’t hear from him on the subject.

It’s funny, because most of the time i know what he did while I was gone. He played with the water hose at Grammy’s, or the rocks at Granny’s or he saw Santa at school. I know the jist and sometimes even the details of what his day was like. But I still want him to tell me. Even if I know he had a blast and loved every minute of it, I want to hear it from him. I want to hear the way he describes and watch his face as he does so.

Just like God wants to hear from me about the details of my life. He wants to see my face and hear the way I describe what is happening. He longs for me to just talk to Him. Even though he already knows every detail.

This just occurred to me yesterday and I don’t think my prayer life will ever be the same again. Just as I wait for Speedy to talk to me, God waits for me to talk to Him.

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Sometimes it still hits me - I have a son and a daughter. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I’m not. A daughter. A son. Wow.

I’ve been meaning to tell you that Princess is talking now - or at least she is saying a few words. She’s been saying “ma ma” for a while now but recently she has added “Nay Nay” (this is what she calls Speedy) and “hat” and “Bye bye” (i think those were her first real words) and now she also says, “hi”. I can get her to repeat me or to attempt to repeat me on just about anything but those are words she seems to really know.

We’re still not walking but we’re getting closer. Sometimes I worry a little that she’s not walking yet, but I know she will when she is good and ready. I actually think she could walk now if she wanted to. Princess is very sweet and affectionate - when I’ve been gone or in the other room for a while and I go in the room where she is, she’ll immediately crawl to me with a huge smile on her face and give me a hug. (her version of a hug is to lay her head up against you.) There is no doubt that girl loves her mommy and no doubt I love her.

Poor Speedy must have fallen out of his bed tonight because when I went to check on him he was curled up and asleep on the floor. He never cried or fussed so I’m thinking he must not have woken up - he didn’t wake up when I picked him up and put him back in bed. He’s really such a sweetheart, too. He almost always tells me “thank you” when I bring him his sippy cup or something else he wanted. This morning we went to the grocery store and I wasn’t feeling all that great (sinus thing) and was a little grumpy. After fussing at him a little for not moving as fast as I wanted him too, he said, “mommy, did you get mad with me?” I just looked at him and said, “Speedy, I’m sorry, mommy doesn’t feel good today and I just don’t have a lot of patience.” His response? “here, mommy,” as he puts his fist out, “you can have some of my patience.”

How did we get so lucky?

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I don’t think I ever really understood the meaning of the word delight until I had kids. There is no better way to describe how I feel when I watch Speedy do something clever or funny…..or when I watch Princess squeal and crawl to me as fast as she can because she is so excited to see me when I’ve gone.

So many times in the Bible, God calls us His children. Does He really feel about me the way I feel about Speedy and Princess? It’s hard to imagine that He takes the same delight in me - if not more - that I take my children. It absolutely fills my heart when Princess is just overjoyed to see me and runs - okay, crawls - as fast as she can to reach me. It gives me a small glimpse of how God must kneel down with His arms wide open just waiting for us to run and jump into them - waiting for us to squeal with delight at the sight of Him. I wonder if He sits and just watches us do normal things and is so delighted with us when we do.

I’m so pleased with Speedy uses his manners without being reminded - when he says “May I please” instead of “give me!” I wonder if this is how God feels when I pray, “not my will but Yours” instead of “Lord, please give me….” Or when I catch him being kind to Princess - surely that is similar to how God feels when He catches us being kind to one another.

I’ve often heard people ask how there could possibly be a God who would allow such horrible things to happen. Then I think about times Speedy or Princess have been right next to me and have fallen and gotten hurt. I just wasn’t fast enough to catch them - not that God is ever unable to do anything. But I can easily compare how sometimes maybe God doesn’t just “allow” something but instead just doesn’t prevent it. I don’t know if that makes sense to you or not, but it does to me. Because whenever my kids are hurting I am right there to pick them up and kiss their boos boos. And when they really hurt, I hurt too. My heart breaks every time theirs does. Surely God’s heart, which has a much greater capacity for love also has a much great capacity for hurt. Yet He loves anyway, as do we as parents.

As I write this, I can’t help but think not only of the hurt my babies may face today but also of the heartache I know they’ll face tomorrow. When they are old enough to understand more about their beginnings - there is great potential for much heartache there. I could make up a pretty story about how they came to be ours but I love them too much to do that. I know that even though it may hurt them for a while, that truth will make them stronger and I pray will help them experience God’s love on a deeper level. And you can bet I will be there every step of the way.

Some people ask how God can let some things happen. I can’t help but ask how anyone survives without believing in God to pick them up and kiss all their boos boos away.

He will, you know. It may take some time, but He can turn ALL things to good.

My God is just cool like that.

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