My Ebenezer

Too much today to write about so I’ll keep it very short.

Encouraging information on baby.

Bad news on Stella.

Visit with an old friend.

Very bad news on my cousin.

Nice conversation with Speedy.

Worse news on my sweet cousin.

I’m tired. I have really great friends.

Stella was taken from school to a shelter today. I don’t think she’s going back to her foster home but since her caseworker never bothered to call and update me I’m not sure. Stella is making her choices and her future is ultimately in her hands. But I have to say that I’m dishing out equal blame on her foster mother and on my coordinator for this one. Why don’t they understand that by telling her what she can’t do when she is just venting that they are doing more harm than good? She just needs someone to get her, to understand her. We can drag her kicking and screaming to school but it’s up to her to learn. I say let her make her choices. Inform her of the natual consequences of her decisions, but let her make the choices. I mean, she’s going to make them anyway! Offer guidance, sure. AARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

My uncle and family are facing a heartbreaking situation with my sweet cousin. Pray for wisdom, courage, discernment and comfort. Pray for God’s presence to surround them in amazing ways over the next few days and weeks.

Overall I have to say CRAP DAY today.

Except for the conversation I had with the Adoption Lady who filled in some gaps on a recent upset at the agency. Made me feel much better about the “system” placing baby with us. That’s the slice of sunshine from today. That, and a short visit with a great friend I hadn’t seen in a while.

Sigh.

Time for sleep and wake up tomorrow to start all over again.

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Wow. I really got your attention in that last post, didn’t I? I appreciate the support and words of encouragement. I have no doubt that God will give us what we need to face whatever it is He brings to us. I do find myself quoting “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition present your requests to God” daily. Sometimes hourly.

The anxiety is not about how to handle three kids… it’s about whether or not we’ll even get the chance. His will, not mine. Please pray for the worker who will be writing up our homestudy. This process can take anywhere from 30-45 days and we really need it done asap. Pray for a sense of urgency.

We decided to take Speedy with us on our little getaway. We just can’t leave him for four whole nights. It must sound terrible to say we can leave Princess, but it’s a little different with her because we are all she’s ever known. I think SPeedy needs a little extra from us and I think this is just what the doctor ordered. We will all have a wonderful time and grandparents will have a blast with the little Princess.

Stella. You haven’t heard much about her lately because she’s been doing really well. She’s been in the same foster home for FOUR months now and I’m thrilled. She looks amazing and has been doing really well. Last week, she turned 16. She decided she didn’t want to take her meds anymore so she is off of them now. I’m worried for how she’ll do without them.

I’m irritated that her foster mom (who overall is really great) did not know that as it stands now, Stella will not be considered a 10th grader next year if she doesn’t make up a half credit. She’s already a year behind and will turn 18 in her junior year. We mapped out an educational plan with her counselor but it’s going to be a lot work. I told her it was up to her to decide whether or not she wanted to do it. She told me today that she wants to quit school and does not want to attempt to graduate. Among other things, her plan right now is to get a job, get emancipated and move to Ohio. (puppy love)

What do you say to that? Telling her it isn’t realistic would not help her. So I just listened and told her it sounds like she’s got it all figured out. I told her that although the state could make her go to school, they couldn’t make her do the work and if she wanted to “quit” then that would be her choice. I casually mentioned that lots of people survive their whole life making only $8 an hour which is about what she can expect without a high school diploma. I suggested she do some research online to find out what it would take to get emancipated.

Understand this: I in no way want to see her make these choices. But she is 16 physically; 40 experience wise; 10 emotionally, etc… I can’t tell her what to do or how to do it. Me pointing out the absurdity of her plan will do nothing but make her angry and add fuel to the fire. Make her want to do it even more. So I just tried to listen and not ask too many questions. And not say all of the things that were coming to my mind. I’ve decided that the best thing I can do for Stella is to just be there. To listen and offer support and understanding when she needs it. There are enough people in her life pointing out the absurdity of plans and desires.

Here’s what really makes me angry. She called my coordinator and was very rude and ugly to her. My coordinator handled it poorly, in my opinion. Her immediate reaction was to revoke Stella’s priveledge of getting to travel with her aunt to go and visit some family in a neighboring state. Now, the reason is that she feels like Stella may not come back but I don’t think that’s a real issue. And I think my coordinator is giving Stella a consequence that takes away her right to see her family. And I don’t think it’s okay to do that. It’s not fair. Take away her Ipod, take away her phone, but don’t withdraw the opportunity to go and see her family. Not when you’ve already said she could go. Ugh.

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Later this morning I’ll be taking Christmas gifts to Stella. In her new foster home. She’s been there for a little over a week now. I’ve lost count of how many homes she’s been in since entering care and I don’t have the heart to count them anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall with her. It’s frustrating and disheartening, but what am I supposed to do? Give up? Not a chance. This year, she’ll spend Christmas with strangers. I can’t imagine what that must be like.

The marathon is rapidly approaching and I’m trying not to think about it. You may have noticed that you haven’t seen any “training day #” posts in quite some time. I figure I’ll just wait and do all my trianing in the two weeks leading up to the event. Well, I may die in the process but I am going to walk that marathon. Even though my attempts at fundraising have been nothing short of pathetic. **shameless plug*** if you are looking for a last opportunity for a tax write off before year’s end……..

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I don’t know how parents of children with serious issues do it. Emotionally, I am drained just from talking with Stella a couple times a week and feel like I’m beating my head up against a brick wall. She has not moved again, but it is only a matter of time.

Stella gets to visit with some of her family - one person in particular who stays in contact with her. She even gets to spend the weekend with this person and everything was working beautifully until Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving, Stella was allowed to travel with this family member and saw a lot of her family again. She returned on Sunday and got into a very serious altercation at school on Monday. One that ended with her getting a ticket for assault.

She shows no remorse.

Her attitude following the incident was horrific. She was giving foster parents a hard time, she hung up on me and was refusing to participate in any services that might benefit her. She gave her foster family heck. Foster mom even tried to have her removed because she can’t deal with her behaviors anymore. Right now, she is on a weekend respite -staying with another family to give the foster family a break. Stella was not at all happy about that. All of the sudden, she was ready to comply with rules and didn’t understand why she had to go for a couple of days.

It would be so easy to get frustrated with her, even angry. But I get angrier at a system and a family that has more or less abandoned her. Her future is bleak. I always have hope in Christ but I have to tell you, that hope is a hard thing to hold on to for Stella. I have an idea that she will move from one on state sytem into another, harsher one. But I hope not. I am praying for a miracle. For a change in her heart.

And if …. when she moves again, I am going to request that she enter a facility instead of a foster home. Unless some serious intervention happens, she will not survive. I am afraid that the intervention will not happen unless we can get her to stay in one place long enough to establish a good rapport with a therapist and have the same doctor long enough to find the right med (if needed) at the right dose for her.

I don’t see how it will be possible for any of the above to happen while she’s in a foster home….because I don’t think she is capable of functioning in one. I wish I could find my miracle family for her - a family like this one. Parents who refuse to give up on their children, even when they suffer abuse because of it. Parents who define unconditional love. Parents who know how to set boundaries and be firm and demonstrate God’s love all at the same time. Parents who truly, in every sense of the word, lay down their lives for their kids.

I want that family for Stella.

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Frustrated.

Sometimes I feel like there is not much to look forward to in her future. I’d give anything to change that but she has to choose to participate in her future. She has to choose to participate and cooperate in getting to where she wants to be. I don’t know if she can.

More late.

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I visited with Stella’s new foster mom yesterday in her home and I really like her. She seems to be a Godly woman whose heart is in the right place as she works to restore these kids. In fact, she has 9 brothers and sisters and most of them are foster parents. They all get together every Sunday after church.

I’m not sure how to put it into words, but there seems to be something very special about this home. The mom is very positive and seems to take every opportunity to fill these girls with love. I can’t remember her exact words, but she told me about a conversation she had with Stella where Stella said she was “different”. The foster mom explained to Stella something along the lines of “I am different because I am always positive. And I’m going to pour out of myself into you all the love and hope and positive thoughts I can muster.”

There is a schedule and everything is very well organized. Stella is going to hate it. But I think if she can stick it out that it’s exactly the kind of evironment she needs.

Keep praying.

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What did you do this weekend? Hang out with your family? Spend time with some dear friends? Maybe help your kids with school work? Maybe you still take classes and you had to catch up with your own school work? Stella moved to her NINTH placement in 10 months. She is fifteen years old.

Do you remember high school? I mean, do you really remember? The insecurities, the desire to just fit in, the difficulty in knowing who your friends really were?

School started about two months ago. That is approximately 8 weeks. Stella has been to 3 different schools, 3 different placements, 3 different sets of rules, friends, etc…. She is now at her fourth placement (just since school started) and will be starting her FOURTH school. She’s already started over four times and hasn’t even made it through the second six weeks.

While we went on with life as normal, Stella was making this latest move. She is devestated right now and emotionally exhausted. Please continue to pray for her and for her new foster mom.

In the meantime, two family members have decided that CPS is not meeting Stella’s needs (DUH) and each has seperately asked to start the process of getting custody of Stella. There is a very good chance that one of these family members will be a good placement for her - the other I’m not too sure about. I mean, after giving up and refusing to accept responsibility for a child, it’s difficult for me to send that child back to you. Not that it is my decision - I have no power, only influence. Anyway, it will be interesting to see what unfolds over the next few weeks. Just please pray for the whole situation and also for wisdom and discernment for me and for the CPS caseworker.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could get Stella into a permanent home before Christmas? Maybe there is still a chance.

Sadly, Stella represents only one of a number of kids just like her in care. Most of them without an advocate working on their behalf. The thing is, as a volunteer advocate, I’m no miracle worker - I don’t do anything extraordinary. I’m just there. For each placement, for each transition, for each anything, I am there. I’m cheering her on, listening to her and loving her the best I can. But mainly, I’m just there. Her caseworker will change. Her placements will change. Her schools will change. Her doctors will change. Her therapists will change. Her volunteer Child Advocate will stay the same. I gather information and coordinate all the new service providers. I follow up to make sure she is getting therapy and seeing doctors and so on. Tomorrow morning, I’ll make calls to try and get her registered at a new school - a process that can sometimes take days for workers to get to. When you move to 4 different schools in the first two months, missing days each time as you wait for registration information to change hands can lead to missing weeks of school and failing. And the last thing any teenager in foster care needs is to get another grade behind. As it stands now, Stella will not graduate high school before she turns 18; once she turns 18, she will no longer be able to be in foster care.

I could go on and on and on. But it’s late and I’m tired and you are probably tired of hearing me complain. If you want to help, pray. If you want to contribute to Child Advocates so that more kids can have a consistent person advocating for them, you can do that here. It doesn’t take much to make a difference.

Maybe you’ve been reading about Stella for a while and you’ve decided you’d like to get more information about becoming and advocate yourself. Child Advocates is a national organization so I’m sure there is one close to you. Email me or leave me a comment if you want help finding out more about how you can become a volunteer. Hey, if I don’t meet my fundraising goal of $5000 for the marathon, but I get even one more person to become an advocate, I’ll consider my venture a huge success.

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You are breaking my heart.

It’s 1:15am and I just got home from un unexpected visit to the foster home. Where I talked with an emotionally distraught Stella, witnessed an unbearably emotional exchange between foster mom and another foster daughter who had been with her for THREE YEARS, spoke with three different police officers and spoke with a heart broken foster mom.

Needless to say, Stella is moving yet again. Through sobbing, she told me she “just couldn’t do it anymore” - that she didn’t want to have to start all over again with meeting new people, new parents, new school, etc… and on top of everything else, she has a boyfriend she is leaving behind this time. Someone she describes as “so sweet” and who makes her whole face light up when she mentions his name.

All four kids in this home are being moved because of some very bad choices on the kids’ part. I’m sad for Stella. I’m shocked that the foster parents are so shocked about what was going on. And I am absolutely heart broken that a girl who has lived with this family for THREE YEARS is being forced to leave by the foster parents because they are hurting. And I know they are truly hurting - I could see it in their eyes. But it’s just not about them. I can see them sending three away because they aren’t as emotionally invested…..and although every move is bad for these kids, for the three it is just another move. For the fourth, the one who has been there so long, this is abandonment - from someone she loved and trusted.

So now I’m curious. Put one boy and three girls - all teenagers, all serious issues of neglect/abuse/abandonment by birth families, at least two with a history of se#ually acting out, all in foster care - put them together under one roof and leave them unsupervised for any amount of time whatsoever…..what do YOU think is going to happen? When you go to sleep at night and the kids are all upstairs, what do you think is happening? When you leave them for even just an hour to run an errand, what do you think is happening?

Why are you so surprised?

As a foster parent, is it okay for you to put kids out of your house because they have disappointed you in such a big way? Granted, there is no way they could continue to have both the boy and the girls in the home. But the one who’d been with you for three years? What message are you sending that poor child? I love until….. I love you unless…. At what point does a “foster parent” have to face up to the same accountability as parent? I guess what really gets me about this is that these really are good foster parents. And they truly are heart broken right now. Devastated. They did treat these kids as if they were their own….. I’m just wondering, if this one girl in particular, if she were their biological child and the same thing happened, would they put her out?

Maybe it will make more sense tomorrow. Pray for Stella. Pray also for these foster parents to find forgiveness in their hearts. Pray for the one girl who is losing her family all over again.

Edited to add: The girl who had been with them for so long is back with them again.

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Those of you keeping up with Stella’s story know what it means for a child like her to have an advocate. Most kids in foster care do not have advocates at all. By now you know a lot about Stella’s story - some of her history, her recent placements, her limited options for the future. Not all foster kids look like Stella.

“Tim” and “Katie” were taken into custody after their mother left them with a homeless man at a convenience store. Being left alone with strangers was an unfortunate occurrence that the two children had grown accustomed to while in their mother’s care. During visits to their foster home, their Child Advocates volunteer, Deena, discovered both children could graphically describe how their mother cooked crack with “a spoon” and smoked it in front of them.

The rampant child abuse in our society is simply astounding. If somthing you’ve read about Speedy and Princess’ story, Stella’s story, or even Child Advocates in general has touched your heart, I hope you’ll agree to help make a difference. I know not everyone has the time or even the inclination to become a court appointed child advocate - everyone has their own calling in life and this one just happens to be one of mine.

So I’m asking you to click for Stella. Click the link below and make a donation that will go directly to Child Advocates. I’m going to participate in a marathon - technically, a half-marathon - and I’m looking for sponsors. I will join other volunteers and walk/run (mostly walk) 13.1 miles in an effort to draw attention to the abused children in our community.

I am asking you to help. I rarely participate in fundraisers of any kind because I don’t like asking people for money. I’m going to shamelessly ask, beg and plead for sponsors for this event because I fiercely believe in the cause. Although the event does not take place until January 2008, I’d like to finish my campaign prior to Thanksgiving to avoid holiday spending issues. None of the money collected will ever be in my hands - it is all set up to go directly through the website sponsoring the fundraising campaign.

The information packet said I should have a fundraising goal and the first thing that came to mind was $5000. Yep, I know that’s asking a lot for one person to collect from other individuals, but I’m sticking with my first instinct. I’m working towards that goal and have already figured out that we can do it if we can find:

20 people to make $25 donations
20 people to make $50 donations
15 people to make $100 donations
4 people to make $500 donations

It seems much more doable when I break it down. Do it for me. Do it for Stella and Speedy and Princess and Lucy and Sam and Johnny and the countless other children who need someone to stand in the gap for them.

Click here to visit my fundraising page and make a donation. I’ll eventually put a graph or something on my sidebar so you can track our progress. Help me help Child Advocates help abused children.

Thank you for your support. You rock!

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Stella will be moving to another foster home tomorrow. I spoke with the new foster mom on the phone tonight and she sounds wonderful! When I asked her how long she and her husband had been foster parents, she told me that they consider this their ministry. I’m praying that this is where Stella will find the love and support she needs to survive this world.

Please pray for these foster parents - pray that God will give them wisdom and discernment, patience and an overwhelming love for Stella. Pray for Stella, that she works hard to make this placement work and that she gains the self-control she needs to manage her anger in any situation. Pray that this is her miracle.

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