What might have been
Tags: Adoption
Posted: September 2, 2009 at 3:40 am
Why is it that dropping off a child for the first time at preschool/MDO/school/etc… sucks? I HATED leaving Mathew at school today and it didn’t help that he cried when I dropped him off. Poor little guy was sooo tired – school starts about the time he normally takes his morning nap, which I’ve been trying to break him of. But my little guy needs his sleep. He only got to sleep for about 40 minutes and when I got there to get him he was dazed and confused.
Ugh. I know he’ll get used to it I just hope it happens fast. I don’t know how long I can keep dropping him off if he’s going to be so exhausted when I pick him up. He’s normally such a happy baby UNLESS he misses his sleep. I guess it runs in the family because I’m not such a happy camper on too little sleep, either. Shocking, I know. That I would EVER not be easy to be around. Shut up, family.
Before Mathew was born, Carter and Gracey would crawl into my lap every morning and we’d cuddle together watching cartoons for 30 minutes or so. We haven’t done that often since little Mathew was a newborn – just too demanding with his bottle and breakfast, etc… This morning ALL THREE of them sat cuddled in my lap for a bit and it was the best 10 minutes of my day.
I can’t help but wonder what their mornings would be like if they were with their biological parents. Every once in a while the realization of ‘what might have been’ slams into me like a Mack truck and I have to catch my breath and thank God again for keeping them safe and bringing them home. And just when I start to feel better I remember there are thousands of children who are living the ‘what might have been’ every day.
Right here in my own city I know there are thousands of kids being neglected and abused. Thousands of people who don’t have enough food to eat or clothes to wear. Children without families and even worse children with abusive families. And I hear on the news about my hard earned tax dollars being spent on a damn animal shelter and I’m outraged. Money that could go toward saving human lives is being spent on dogs and cats. I love animals, but seriously? What kind of message does this send to child living with ‘what might have been’?
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!, Adoption, Mathew, Parenting Add a comment
Crack pot psychiatry
Posted: July 31, 2008 at 3:16 am
Sometimes I really don’t like doctors. It’s bad enough when doctors question me or don’t like my questions. But when we are dealing with my child, you bet your butt i am going to ask questions whether you like it or not. And if I don’t like the answer, I’ll ask more to make sure I understand. And if you don’t like it, TOUGH. Because I am the best advocate for my children. I am the only one with all of the information – behavior at home, school, church, evaluations by other doctors and professionals, etc. So you dern well better listen to ME.
URGGGGH!
Can you tell I am irritated. I’m irritated with several things tonight. And as I type how irritated I am, that still small voices speaks quietly in my heart: “why not ask ME to help you find the right doctor for Carter.” Afterall, He is the authority and REALLY knows all of the information. So scratch what I said before. Guess I am not the one who has all of the information. My bad. Thanks, God. Love that public reminder of my humaness.
so internet people, pray that I will find the right doctor for Carter. The one God has in mind. I know it is not the one we saw today because sometimes you just know in your heart and in your gut when something just isn’t right. And this place wasn’t right.
So back to what irritates me. I still have access to the same resources that I had when I was foster parenting Carter and Gracey. It angers me that it is so difficult to find someone in that category who really seems to care about these kids. the kids who often need help the most get sent to places that only accept them because they can’t get enough of the other clients.
irk.
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! 1 comment
You have got to be kidding me!
Posted: May 28, 2008 at 12:06 am
AC went out today. For those of you up North – this is HUGE. Temps are already in the 90’s.
I also have fever, aches, etc….. (unrelated to the AC)
Really? I mean, REALLY?
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! 2 comments
Weekend In Review
Posted: May 25, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Thursday
While teaching online class, overhear message on machine from Daddy that Granny is in hospital, about to have emergency appendectimy.
Rush to hospital.
Further testing requires; surgery is postponed.
Get home to find Gracey with fever of 102.6.
Friday
Leave house at 5:30am to get to hospital for 7am surgery.
Call peditrician at 9am.
Go to my own dr. appt at 9:30am.
Rush to pediatrician to meet Grammy with Gracey and Carter for 10am appt.
Leave peditrician at 11, go to same hospital GRanny is in so Gracey can have labs run.
hold screaming Gracey while blood is drawn from her arm.
Wait another hour for hospital pharmacy to fill prescription.
Phone call from Peditrician that WBC is way too high on Gracey.
Saturday
Take Gracey back to Peditrician and also take Carter because now he’s a bit sick, too.
Stay home all day with sickly kids.
Dinnertime, Gracey fever quickly spikes to 103.5.
Call doctor on call.
8pm, get call back from doctor recommending we go to Texas Children’s Hospital for more testing.
2am, return home.
Sunday
Carter wakes up about 7am, approximately 4 1/2 hours after we go to sleep.
Mid morning, daddy checks bank account online and discovers about $2000 in fraudulent checks.
I mean, SERIOUSLY?
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! 4 comments
Blubbering Idiot
Posted: October 3, 2007 at 12:01 am
Yep. That was me today. The school called about a half hour before I was to pick the kids up and let me know that Carter had another accident. She was calling because the teacher told her I wanted to be called…..but that was only if they thought he did it intentionally. Which, in this case, he didn’t. Not really, anyway. I’ve been a little emotional all afternoon but this just really capped it all off. I LOVE the lady I talk to all the time at the school, I think she is the secretary or something…I don’t know but I just love her and she adores Carter.
Phone rings. My heart drops when I see the number because I know it is the school. here is the conversation:
Me: hello
School: Hi, this is so and so from the school….
Me: CRAP! What do you want? (laughing, because I know her and she laughs too)
School: laughing, well, Carter had another accident today
Me: Was it on purpose?
School: Well, I don’t think so. Immediately afterwards he went and told the teacher so I’m thinking it wasn’t. He was on the playground.
Me: Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I was mainly wanting to be called if he did it on purpose.
School: The teacher said she had everyone go to the potty right before they went outside, but Carter refused to go.
Me: Wait. He REFUSED to go? Was that really an option? I mean, he’s 3.
School: Yeah, I hear you. I was wondering about that too.
Me: I’ve talked with the teacher about his before….he’ll always say no if you ask him but she has to make him go or he’ll have an accident. I don’t know what to do or how to explain this to her without stepping on her toes…..she must exercise her authority as the teacher and make sure he goes to the potty. It can not be optional with him.
School: I can take care of that, don’t worry. You’re right, he can’t just be given the option. He is not the only one that way and he needs supervision while he’s in there, too.
Me: Yes, I agree.
School: I’ll change him and we’ll see you in a bit.
Me: Okay, thanks.
I hang up the phone and I cry. I’m just so sick and freakin’ tired of hearing all the bad things (that are really relatively minor on their own, they just add up) he does. I can’t remember ever being told about something good he’s done at school and I’m just afraid that all the teachers see is the bad or frustrating things.
Carter has a lot of energy and I have no doubt that he gives his teachers a run for their money. But I need to know that his teachers adore him. If they don’t, they need to pretend. I have been very objective up until now and have listened openly and offered suggestions and reinforced at home….. I’ve done everything I can think of. Now I’m just sick of it. I hate taking him to school in the morning and I spend the day dreading the sound of my phone ringing. I get nervous about picking him up because I’m afraid of what they’ll have to say.
I think if I could just hear one thing good a long with the bad, then it would be better. Just reassure me that you are aware that Carter also has good behavior and is really sweet. I mean, do you not get that you are talking about MY BABY? Hell, I know he can be dififcult, I do live with him, after all. But I also know that while he can be a challenge, he also responds well to authority and praise. And he is really a very sweet kid. He’s just a little enthusiastic about life…. 
I have to say that his teacher is really nice. I am sure that she is doing everything she can and is frustrated a bit as well. I just need to know that she is able to see more than just the negative behavior. I also need to be confident that she knows how to be in charge of my son and not let him just do what he wants.
So, about the blubbering. I went in a little early to pick them up and stopped in the office. I really though I had it together but I walked in and immediately started crying. I’m sure I looked like a lunatic. We had a nice talk and they did tell me that the teacher had said up until that point he had a super day. The teacher told them before the accident she was all ready to tell me what a wonderful day he had. I was glad to hear that they told her “mommy still needs to hear that”. So I think they at least get it. They were very nice and supportive. I reiterated that I’m not complaining about the teacher that I think she’s nice, I just need to know that she is able to see the good and the bad, not just the bad.
Did I mention that I kept crying like a blubbering idiot? What an idiot. I really don’t know what came over me. I guess between Sunday School and preschool I’ve just about had it.
Okay, so as long as I’m complaining, let me add the Sunday School bit to it. First off, 3 is way too young to sit in a “children’s church” environment. PER EEE UUUDD You simply can not expect most 3 year olds to be able to sit still and quiet and just listen to a story in an auditorium like setting for more than a few minutes. Second, when Daddyo picked Carter up from Sunday School this past Sunday, they told him that Carter “poured his water out” TWICE. Okay, the first time he pours his water out, shame on Carter. The SECOND time he does it, shame on the teacher for freakin’ giving it back to him. They asked daddyo to bring a sippy cup for him next week. Sorry. Not going to happen. If Carter pours his water out then he just doesn’t need to have it. He’ll get it after having to go without once or twice.
And the Sunday before that when we were there, I left feeling like I just never wanted to go back. And I’m pretty heavily involved in our church. I can only imagine how the parents who might not be very involved felt if they got the same little speech I got. (I heard the same speech being given to another couple as I was leaving) Basically, it all boils down to children’s ministries needing more volunteers but the way it was brought up was just plain rude.
I LOVE my church. I know all churches have issues. I really enjoy the people at my church and what I feel is happening there. I just had a bad day. And I felt bad for the other parents who came after me who I hadn’t seen before. If they were new or visiting, I can promise you they will not be back. And I don’t blame them. Why is it that when adults behave poorly at church it hurts so much more than in other places? I guess the expectations are just higher.
So anyway, the really ironic part of that Sunday was I was listening to a grown up complaining about Carter’s behavior and exhibiting her own bad behavior as she did so. I really wanted to point that out, but it wouldn’t have been in Carter’s best interest. Not long ago, I listened to several moms answer the following question:
“When did you first really feel like a mom?” The answers varied from sleepless nights to vomit to poop. I really couldn’t think of an answer. I guess I “felt” like a mom long before I actually became one, because we prayed for so long and waited for so long. Now I know the answer. I know I am REALLY a mom because I am able to control my tongue in the best interest of my child. When I want to rip someone a new one, I am actually able to refrain from doing so because I know it will only count against Carter eventually. You see, all the rules about behaving nicely at church don’t apply to me – I’d really like to rip someone a new one. 
How’s that for irony?
I’m so thankful that I serve a God who offers me unconditional Grace. I pray He helps me offer that to others as well.
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!, Carter, God's Grace 5 comments
Are you kidding me? – EDITED
Posted: September 19, 2007 at 1:43 pm
So seriously, something is wrong with our society.
I mean, is it really necessary to arrest Great Grandma for not watering her lawn?
And I think the biggest issue here is that you let your son wear girly shoes. Ugly girly shoes.
Gamers, we have a problem. Soon there will be ads with a 1-800 number for people with gaming addictions. “If you or someone you love has a gaming problem, call today.”
EDITED TO ADD: CROCS: BOYS LOOK FUNNY WEARING THEM. PER.EEEE.UD. I don’t care who you are or what you’ve been told. If you are a male, those crocs you wear look ridiculous on you. Girls can barely get away with them. Guys shouldn’t even try. DOWN WITH THE CROCS!
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! 3 comments
Something to gripe about
Posted: September 12, 2007 at 1:10 pm
I haven’t had anything really good to gripe about in a long time. I think it’s time, don’t you? Rather than griping endlessly about petty little things that drive me crazy, I decided to compile a list:
1 – but cracks. Please cover them up. They are not attractive. ON ANYONE.
2 – friendly parents. You are not meant to be your kids’ best buddy. Act like a parent. They may hate you for a little while, but if you don’t discipline, it’s almost certain they’ll end up hating you for a lifetime.
3 – Some Working moms. Seriously. I like being a stay at home mom. Don’t act like I’m from another planet. It’s great that you choose to work outside the home. Don’t turn your nose up because I made a different choice.
4 – Advice givers. Look, just because I like to give advice doesn’t mean I like to receive it. Especially from you. yes, I’m talking to YOU. When you become perfect like me, then you may give advice freely.
5 – Perfect Mothers. Get. Over. Yourself. We all know that you are a wreck behind closed doors.
6 – Britney Spears. someone give that poor girl some help.
7 – Angelina Jolie – it doesn’t matter how many kids you adopt, it will never fill the gaping hole in your heart that only God can fill.
8 – girl at the gym with amazing body – really, do you think you need that personal trainer I watch you flirting shamelessly with every day? There are much cheaper ways to get dates, lady.
9 – Husbands who don’t help around the house – yes, I know you work soooo hard all day while your wife just “plays” house with the kids. But do you think it would kill you to do the dishes once in a while? Wash a load of laundry? And just because you are “off” from work doesn’t mean you get to sit on your butt or play golf all day. You are a husband and a father. Act like it. (I’m so grateful that Daddyo is NOT one of these men)
10 – YOU. I mean, can you give a girl a comment once in a while?
11 – Me. Could I be any more shameless?
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!, Humor 6 comments
the TRUTH about cats and dogs
Posted: May 25, 2007 at 3:46 am
Well, forgive me for being so vague in this post but you know by now that I have to be. If you remember, the last time I shared about Stella she had run away from her foster home but was in a safe place with family. She returned to a local shelter for teens where a lot of CPS kids go when they can’t find foster homes. It’s where she wanted to go and it’s a great facility but it’s almost too good. For kids like Stella, anyway. They do a lot with them and they go on outings and stuff. Most shelters aren’t that way – in fact, they are far from it. Stella likes it there. The shelter won’t let anyone stay longer than 90 days, it is a short term facility so it isn’t a long term option for anyone. Unless they keep running away from foster homes and going back there. ha ha That would eventually stop working.
Anyway, Stella needs your prayers now more than ever. Her current residence is another “should be” short term facility that probably isn’t a lot of fun but is VERY necessary for her. In fact, because she is there she will now receive two of the services we have been advocating for from the beginning. So all in all, it’s not a bad thing. It just continues to frustrate me how these kids come into “the system” and don’t get the help they need.
It’s no one’s fault in particular. I don’t blame the case worker or any of the workers – they do the best they can with what they have. But someone down the line is determining how much money is alloted to help these kids and it just isn’t enough. IT’S NOT ENOUGH. See, this is when I start to get really irritated with all the tree huggers. Now, forgive me if that particular term is offensive to you. If it is offensive, then my guess is you probably have a little tree bark embedded in your arms. ha ha ha Come on, you know that was funny. I’m all for saving the environment and stuff like that but some people really go to severe extremes with plants and animals. Hey, I’d like to see dogs treated better by owners also but I’m not giving you a dime towards that cause. Not when there are children out there who don’t have the funds to get the help they need to overcome obstacles they don’t deserve.
Sometimes it just feels like there are more people out there willing to DO SOMETHING about Rover being starved and beaten by his owner than they are about Sally being abused and neglected by her parents. I love dogs. I love humans more. I know there are those out there who put dogs on the same level with humans. And I think that is just NUTS.
Anyway, back to Stella. Two things are currently happening that we’ve been fighting for from the beginning so that is a good thing. The sad thing is that both of these are things that were recommended for her by a doctor who evaluated her upon entering care several months ago. But it was decided by non-medical workers that these things were not necessary.
We can do better than that, can’t we?
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! Add a comment
Digital Parenting
Posted: May 20, 2007 at 2:00 am
The last few days the weather has been absolutely beautiful – sunny, nice and breezy. We went to the zoo today and rode a little train that goes all through the park – Carter LOVES the train. A man sat behind us with his son who couldn’t have been much older than Carter. The guy was on his cell phone the whole time we were on the train.
I felt so sorry for the little guy who just kinda sat there with no one to talk to about what he was seeing. Dad or Uncle Bob or whoever this was (i’m assuming it was dad) may as well have not even been on the train. I’m the first to admit that I’m bad about being on my cell phone in the car and when the kids are playing. Sometimes the car is the best place for me to get a quick conversation in with a friend. I try to be concious about not being on the phone when I’m intentionally spending time with the kids. Especially on outings and such. It’s not even that I have to try to not be on the phone at times like that – there’s nothing I’d rather be doing than watching my kids enjoy themselves.
I know that sometimes people get aggravated with me when I don’t answer my phone at home – but this is one of the reasons I sometimes don’t jump up and run to grab the cordless every time I hear it ring. I want my kids to know they are more important than a ringing phone. When we’re doing something together at home, I often won’t answer the phone unless it’s Daddy-o. They grow up so fast and we miss so much I just like to give them my undivided attention whenever I can.
speaking of, here’s a guest post by Carter:
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccxxxxxx ttyyrdtygrtygyt6nnhnnt6nynt6ynty6nt6yn.0.20.0323.02
415554154121424124124135524120525y 54645y 54610750765575720 7775555555555555555555555555555 dictated by mommy: “Hi. Where are they? Hi. ”
Anyway, it just really irked me that this guy was on the phone THE WHOLE time we were on the train.
Whatever. Guess I need to get over it.
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! 1 comment
Think Twice….
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: March 13, 2007 at 4:07 am
I just heard another “bad report” on a foster family in our area and the agency monitoring them. It really ticks me off when I see a news report quoting violations and not giving ALL the information. I’m not saying the current situation is right or wrong, I don’t know because I don’t have all the facts. Here’s what I do know: A “violation” of standard care or whatever they call it can be anything from a non-working smoke detector in a bedroom to not reporting se#ual abuse. So saying there have been 17 violations really doesn’t tell me anything.
UGgh. It just ticks me off. It seems foster parents have a bad rap most of the time, anyway. What the news doesn’t report about are the thousands of children who are being loved and cared for in loving foster homes. In homes that help them heal. In homes that prepare them to return to their birthfamilies or move on to adoptive families. In homes where they are loved even when they falsely accuse their caregivers of abuse, steal from their caregivers, verbally and sometimes physcially attack their caregivers.
It’s true that some foster parents suck. Just like some parents suck. Just like some of every “type” of person sucks. But I think if you looked at all of them, you’d find that most are good homes. Most have good hearts. Most have pure motives.
It’s not easy to allow the state to invade the most private aspects of your life – and that’s what foster parents do every day. Are you a parent? Are there days when you just really don’t like your kids? Imagine being a foster parent whose goal is not adoption – imagine parenting a very difficult, very traumatized child or teen – how many days out of the week do you think you’d “feel love” for that child? And yet you continue. You continue, I guess, because you know that at that moment you are all the hope that child has.
And then here comes the local news station reporting on what a crappy job foster parents are doing. CPS is doing a crappy job – but I don’t believe it’s their fault. They are so seriously under-funded it’s not even funny. So whose fault is that? Who decides where the taxpayer’s money goes?
As long as I’m ranting here, let me branch off into another arena. While there aren’t enough of our tax dollars to give abused and neglected children the support and protection they really need – there seem to be plenty of our tax dollars to provide health care to drug addicts. I have nothing against free healthcare to people who truly need it – people who can’t work, people who really don’t have other options. But when I see drug addicts getting free medical care at hospitals it really pisses me off. I know addiction is a disease and I know people don’t really “choose” to become addicts – but they do choose to remain that way. IMO. And, evidently, if you have a job and lead a productive and socially responsible life you have to pay out the wazooo for deductibles, co-pays and premiums. Want to avoid all that hassle? Quit your job; claim some emotional problem to keep from getting another one and start shooting up and we’ll pay your medical bills for you.
Now that’s what I call a health plan.