My Ebenezer

For about nine months, I have been praying for baby Isaac. (again, not his name but something Speedy came up with a long time ago) When I first heard the news that bm was pregnant, I had prayed only a day or two, maybe three before that if God didn’t want us to have more children….. that He would take away that desire from heart. I had been aching for another baby but really didn’t think it would happen. So I asked God to remove that desire. Then I found out that bm was pregnant again and I remember thinkin, “okay, God, this is not doing anything to remove that desire from my heart…”

I began to pray, we began to pray from the very beginning. We prayed for God’s protection on this child. We prayed that bm would make better choices this time around. And i began to love this child while he was still in his mother’s womb. As God was knitting him together, we were praying and also preparing. I remember making a concious decision to plan for that child and allow myself to love him even though nothing was certain. While we began to prepare for another child, we also prayed that the birthparents would get it together. We had no idea what would happen.

When we were told that the due date was the same as our birthday (yes, daddyo and I have the same birthday), it was hard not to look at that as a sign that we better really start preparing. I know it’s crazy. To count so much on another person’s child becoming your own - not by her intention but by her choices. It’s unrealistic to put my heart on the line when I had no way of knowing what would happen. It’s just that I didn’t want to miss one day of loving this baby. If he does become mine, I want to know that I loved him from the very beginning - I didn’t hold back in fear.

And what if the unthinkable happens? What if this child and this family slips through the cracks of CPS? What will I have lost from loving compared to what I will have gained? I know I have done all that I can to intervene on behalf of this child and I believe with all my heart that without the information I was given and passed along to others, this baby would be at an even greater risk because no one would be looking out for him.

I still can’t be sure about what will happen, but one thing I do know is that God’s hands are in this. I don’t always understand His ways but I trust His character. I trust His heart. And I want whatever it is that He has for me. And I don’t know how people who don’t have a relationship with Jesus make it through difficult times. I don’t know what they hold on to. Because I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I have no fear and no worry and that my heart doesn’t break every second that baby Isaac is away from me. My arms ache almost as much as my heart does.

But I’m telling you that I am filled with peace. Scripture after scripture comes to mind when i pray and I know that God is right here with me. I feel His grace covering me with every step…with every breath. And I know that His heart is aching right along with mine. I trust Him with my life. I trust Him with my heart. His love truly does endure forever. My ways are not His ways and believe me, friend, His ways are ALWAYS better. Why do we work so hard to hang on to our misery? It sucks the life out of us when we worry and are anxious and we fight to keep whatever it is that has that hold on us. God can do so much more with us, in us and through us when our hearts are free from worry and fear. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I have no idea if I’ll ever even meet baby Isaac. And I am okay with that. I’m okay with not knowing (not the same as liking it…). Because at the end of the day I have absolutely no control over it.

In the midst of all the craziness in my life right now, I am free. Christ died and set me free.

“Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
Amazing Love, now flowing down
from hands and feet
that were nailed to the tree
He Grace flows down and covers me

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The investigation is still open. That is a very good thing. Nothing else to report.

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I’ve gotten lots of requests for passwords, etc… I will get all of that done later today, I promise. Maybe tonight. I’m taking a day off for myself and hopefully Daddyo will get off work super early and we’re going to goof off. We’ll be going to dinner tonight and maybe even a movie. I’ll be running around all day and not in front of the computer but will update the blog if I hear anything.

My caseworker is going to try to get in touch with the CPS workers in that area and see if she can figure out what’s going on.

Stay tuned.

I promise not to post anything “secure” until you guys all have your passwords and log ins, etc…..

My public awaits… ha ha ha

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I stumbled across this old post tonight and was reminded again of God’s infinite power. This is a prayer I feel was truly answered - we did build a decent relationship with the birthmom and have continued that in limited ways over the past two years. I pray it will continue through this next leg of our journey.

In the endless wondering about baby Isaac, the questions pop into my mind with rapid fire: Is baby healthy? When will baby be born? IS baby a boy or a girl? Will baby come home to us? Will we get to see baby soon after he/she is born? Will baby be in the NICU for long? Will we get to see birthparents again? Will there be family visits this time around? Will CPS do what it should and follow through?

Soooo many questions. I only have one answer and it is from Jesus who said, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible .” Mathew 19:26.

EVERYTHING is possible with God. We are praying for a healthy baby. We are praying we get to bring baby home soon after he/she is born. We praying the process runs very smoothly. All we can do is trust that God is in control and fully submit to His authority and His wisdom.

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sigh.

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Happy Mother’s Day to all of you are mothers. And happy Mother’s Day to all of you who will one day be mothers. And Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who long to be mothers. I hope your wait is a short one.

What a fabulous day. The weather was great, the food was good and we had both our parents over for lunch. We spent a lot of time outside playing with the kids this afternoon and they had a blast. I’m trying to really enjoy these breezy, beautiful days because I know the scorching heat of summer is just around the corner.

Through all of the fun and beauty in this day, I could not help but think of the child who is not yet mine; who may never be mine. Tomorrow birthmom is 35 weeks along. The day she gave birth to Princess. I know that in normal cases, the longer baby stays with birthmom, the better, but in this case that just may not be true. I pray for baby. Baby “Isaac” as Speedy calls him/her. After reading the story of Abraham and Sarah and how they prayed for a baby for so long, Speedy decided that “our baby” was going to be named Isaac. Anyway, I pray for “Isaac” several times a day and thoughts of him/her rarely leave my mind and never leave my heart.

You know, I said that I wouldn’t be devestated if we didn’t end up with this child. I no longer believe that is true. I ache to hold a tiny baby against my chest and smell the softness of its head, the sweetness of its breath. I long to feel that heart beat against mine. I want to bring Speedy and Princess’s baby brother or sister home. I’m standing in faith and believing it will happen and at the same time asking God to forgive my unbelief. This has always been a difficult place for me to be, spiritually. God calls us to stand in faith and to believe Him. It’s not the believing part I have trouble with - it’s the knowing whether or not I’ve heard Him clearly or just imagined what I wanted to hear.

Your will, Lord. Nothing less. Nothing more. Nothing else.

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Wow. I really got your attention in that last post, didn’t I? I appreciate the support and words of encouragement. I have no doubt that God will give us what we need to face whatever it is He brings to us. I do find myself quoting “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition present your requests to God” daily. Sometimes hourly.

The anxiety is not about how to handle three kids… it’s about whether or not we’ll even get the chance. His will, not mine. Please pray for the worker who will be writing up our homestudy. This process can take anywhere from 30-45 days and we really need it done asap. Pray for a sense of urgency.

We decided to take Speedy with us on our little getaway. We just can’t leave him for four whole nights. It must sound terrible to say we can leave Princess, but it’s a little different with her because we are all she’s ever known. I think SPeedy needs a little extra from us and I think this is just what the doctor ordered. We will all have a wonderful time and grandparents will have a blast with the little Princess.

Stella. You haven’t heard much about her lately because she’s been doing really well. She’s been in the same foster home for FOUR months now and I’m thrilled. She looks amazing and has been doing really well. Last week, she turned 16. She decided she didn’t want to take her meds anymore so she is off of them now. I’m worried for how she’ll do without them.

I’m irritated that her foster mom (who overall is really great) did not know that as it stands now, Stella will not be considered a 10th grader next year if she doesn’t make up a half credit. She’s already a year behind and will turn 18 in her junior year. We mapped out an educational plan with her counselor but it’s going to be a lot work. I told her it was up to her to decide whether or not she wanted to do it. She told me today that she wants to quit school and does not want to attempt to graduate. Among other things, her plan right now is to get a job, get emancipated and move to Ohio. (puppy love)

What do you say to that? Telling her it isn’t realistic would not help her. So I just listened and told her it sounds like she’s got it all figured out. I told her that although the state could make her go to school, they couldn’t make her do the work and if she wanted to “quit” then that would be her choice. I casually mentioned that lots of people survive their whole life making only $8 an hour which is about what she can expect without a high school diploma. I suggested she do some research online to find out what it would take to get emancipated.

Understand this: I in no way want to see her make these choices. But she is 16 physically; 40 experience wise; 10 emotionally, etc… I can’t tell her what to do or how to do it. Me pointing out the absurdity of her plan will do nothing but make her angry and add fuel to the fire. Make her want to do it even more. So I just tried to listen and not ask too many questions. And not say all of the things that were coming to my mind. I’ve decided that the best thing I can do for Stella is to just be there. To listen and offer support and understanding when she needs it. There are enough people in her life pointing out the absurdity of plans and desires.

Here’s what really makes me angry. She called my coordinator and was very rude and ugly to her. My coordinator handled it poorly, in my opinion. Her immediate reaction was to revoke Stella’s priveledge of getting to travel with her aunt to go and visit some family in a neighboring state. Now, the reason is that she feels like Stella may not come back but I don’t think that’s a real issue. And I think my coordinator is giving Stella a consequence that takes away her right to see her family. And I don’t think it’s okay to do that. It’s not fair. Take away her Ipod, take away her phone, but don’t withdraw the opportunity to go and see her family. Not when you’ve already said she could go. Ugh.

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Shock.

Excitement.

Fear.

Longing.

Uncertainty.

Hopeful.

Sick.

Thrilled.

These are just some of the things you feel when you find out that the birthmother of your children is pregnant again. Knowing that in Texas, CPS will automatically take custody of a child born to parents who have already had their parental rights terminated by the court. Knowing that the first place CPS will look to place this child is with the adoptive parents of the siblings.

Please pray for the health and safety of this unborn child.

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Alright. Enough is enough. I am turning into a little old lady who does nothing but talk about the weather and complain about her health. Right now, I could even use a walker.

First, my stinkin’ tooth started bothering me so i had to schedule a root canal.

Second, Princess tried to claw my eye out and I couldn’t see out of my right eye for a good week and it’s still a little fuzzy.

Third, I threw my back out this morning lifting Princess from her high chair.

On top of that, it has rained every day for the last 2 months except for maybe 5 days.

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