Something to talk about
Posted: January 31, 2006 at 7:47 am
Wylddad prompted me to write about my thoughts on when/how to tell our children that they are adopted with this post.
The fact is, we’re never going to tell them.
Before you start rioting, let me explain. 
I don’t want to sit our children down one day and rock their world by telling them they were adopted. Adoption will be a word we use on a regular basis in our house but it will be just another part of life, I don’t want to make it a big deal. There are some great children’s books out there on adoption and we’ll start reading them as bedtime stories as soon as we get our babies.
If I can’t find one that seems appropriate enough, I’ll write my own. In fact, that is something that I’ve thought a lot about. I hope I follow through and take the time to write a children’s version of our story – how our children came to be ours. I very much hope to include pictures of our child(ren)’s birthfamily in this book.
Those of you who may be reading and are not “in tune” with the adoption community may be surprised by the fact that I hope to have pictures of the birthfamily. Some of you probably even think it’s wierd. I’ve heard people say that it would make them uncomfortable to have pictures of a child’s birthmother. I think it would be a beautiful gift to our child. You see, it’s not about what we think or what we want or even about what we’re afraid of. It’s about the children and what is best for them.
Nothing could convince me that what is best for him/her is to not have the opportunity to know about his/her birthfamily. Granted, I won’t title my children’s book “When Mommy is a Crack Addict”. There is information that we won’t include from the beginning but will make available to our children as it becomes appropriate for their level of maturity. I’ve thought about explaining that birthmom was too “sick” to take care of them, but that word is too common – I’d hate for my child to worry everytime I get sick that I’ll be putting them up for adoption. But it will be something along those lines.
Adopting through foster care is different than other types of adoption. These children don’t typically have parents who made a loving choice to put them up for adoption – most of them were left with no choice due to their own decisions and circumstances. Some of those decisions and circumstances put the children who will one day be mine in harm’s way and that makes me very angry. But I will always hold a special place in my heart for these birthmothers because they gave life to my children.
I’m very blessed to have been given a mother who taught me the meaning of unconditional love. God only knows where I would be today with the profound impact she had on my life. I hope I can pass that unconditional love on to my children and give them the roots they need to fly wherever they want to go. Especially if where they one day choose to go is back to find their birthfamily.
-6.5!!!!!!
Family Visit
Posted: March 18, 2006 at 10:32 pm
Thankfully, Toolman took the kids to the visit this week since I was working! 
It was nice to have a week off from than insanity.
While he was there, someone told Carter to go to his daddy and Carter smiled, pointed at Toolman and said, “Daaa eeeee” as he reached for him. Obviously, this is not what they were going for.
“Granny” was upset and asked what Carter calls us. Toolman told her and she was even more upset. He explained that at this young age, it is important for Carter to call us mom and dad. And that is what we’ve been told in our training.
In an interesting turn of events, Gramps told toolman that he could tell Carter was really being loved.
We go to court this coming Tuesday and I’m not sure what, if anything, we’ll learn. I think this court appearance is really just for the judge to “bless” the current plan for the parents and lay out a timeframe or something. I don’t know. I’m not sure if this is even when it could possibly happen, but the absolute BEST that could happen on Tuesday is that the judge decides to fastrack both Carter and Gracey which could have both them eligible for adoption in as little as four months. That’s what we’re praying for. With God, everything is possible.
Court is in Session
Posted: March 22, 2006 at 7:43 am
Thank you again for all of your prayers for yesterday. I was really nervous about going but it all turned out just fine.
Family court is a sad place to spend the morning. I saw several cases go before the judge, many where bio parents didn’t even show up. Often, no one even knew where to locate the bio parents. The saddest thing I watched was a woman who stood before the judge and was told that after two years of not seeing her children, she still could not see them and a TPR (termination of parental rights) date was set.
She walked back to her seat sobbing as she explained to her friend what the judge had said. My heart broke for her and for her children. I am sure there is a very good reason why she can’t see her kids; based on a little of what I heard, I am confident that “the system” served those kids well yesterday. But it was still sad. Unbelievably sad.
There is a whole other part of our society that most of us don’t even know exists. Or we pretend it doesn’t. There is a post here and one day I’ll write it, but today I want to tell you about our case.
Toolman got to meet the court appointed attorney for the kids in the hallway. He introduced himself to her and she immediately asked how they were doing. Her second question to toolman was, “are you a legal risk home?” Daddy-O told her that we were but we realize that right now this is straight foster care. She said, “yes, but are you looking to adopt?” And he told her we would LOVE to adopt these kids, if they flip for adoption. She smiled and said good.
I don’t know if all attorneys ask that question immediately or not. But I’m believing that she doesn’t expect these kids to go back to their bio parents, just like all the caseworkers don’t expect it to happen. Woo Hoo!
The judge blessed the plan, talked about how important it was to start some of the steps immediately and set the next court date for late July. So we know we have them until then. There is a long list of things that must be done in order for them to even have a chance at getting their kids back. It’s going to be tough for them to do and I feel horrible hoping that they can’t or won’t do it; but I love these kids.
All in all, it still looks very good for adoption. The judge left the primary goal as adoption and that is a big deal.
We’re pleased. The bio parents are angry/upset that Carter calls us mommy and daddy – I explained again that this is what we’ve been told to do. That kids his age need to call someone mommy and daddy on a regular basis. I think things are going to start getting ugly.
Please pray for Carter. It is him I am most worried about. Pray that he is not upset by visits and that he continues to feel safe, secure and loved in our home. I’m afraid of what bio parents may start saying to him at these visits. I am trusting God to intervene in a HUGE way.
Speaking of Carter, his cartoon time is running out and I think he’s finished his milk so I better go see what he’s up to.
The Hardest Thing
Posted: March 25, 2006 at 9:24 pm
The hardest thing for me to do is to pray for Carter and Gracey’s bio parents. I pray that God protects Carter and Gracey’s future; that He brings people into their lives to teach them about His love; that He guards their hearts and minds; and that He keeps them with us forever. In the same breath, I try to pray for bio mom and bio dad.
It is so hard to be sincere when I ask God to bless them. When I ask God to help them turn their lives around. Half the time, I end up praying that God would give me a sincere heart and help me to really mean it when I ask Him to help them. But what does it mean to be a Christian? Am I able to live what I believe, even when it scares me to death? Even when it could mean that my heart gets crushed?
God’s grace is available to everyone. Aren’t we called to pray for unbelievers? Should bio mom and bio dad be excluded from that so that I can get what I want? I don’t think that’s what Jesus had in mind. But I gotta tell you, it’s hard. It’s hard to ask God to help them turn their lives around because if they turn their lives around, mine could be turned upside down. It’s hard to pray that they learn of God’s love and begin to believe in His saving power. If they start believing, then they might start making better choices, living better and become capable of taking care of Carter and Gracey.
And that scares me to death. But still I pray because it’s the only thing I know to do. Because it’s what I believe and I can’t keep talking about what I believe if I’m not willing to live it. God knows my heart. He knows how much we want to keep Carter and Gracey. But He also knows that we want what is best for them. We want His will for Carter and Gracey, even if that means they don’t become our forever children. We’ve prayed for His will for us throughout this process and now we have to trust God with our hearts – our Carter and our Gracey – and pray for His will for their lives as well.
I wondered before we got kids how having them would affect my relationship with God. It has taught me a lot about God’s love for me, but it has also taught me how much harder it can be to really trust God when you have kids. I mean, it’s one thing for me to believe God for my own life…..but can I trust Him with my kids? I can. I will. I have to.
Afterall, Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you [Carter and Gracey],’ says the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’”
Your will, Lord. Not mine. No matter what.
Protected: Protected: For my heart only
Tags: Adoption
Posted: December 30, 2006 at 10:34 pm
tags: Birth Parents Add a comment
Protected: Protected: FMHO
Tags: Adoption
Posted: January 2, 2007 at 1:31 pm
tags: Birth Parents, prayer Add a comment
On Birthparents
Tags: Adoption
Posted: January 24, 2007 at 9:16 pm
There are lots and lots and lots of debates and issues floating around in the world of adoption these days. I could link to them but I don’t want to because I’m likely just to tick someone off and get a million comments about how insensitive I am.
And that’s not news to anyone. Right? Â But that’s not what this post is about. To sum it all up, there are lots of birthmothers out there who feel they were manipulated into the “choice” of adoption; they rally for more rights for birthmothers with regard to open adoptions and the window of time they have to change their minds. (And when I say “they feel they were manipulated” I don’t mean to insinuate that they weren’t really manipulated……I’m sure some were)
Anyway, if I haven’t lost you or made you mad yet, stick with me here I have a point. Adoptive mothers have a tendancy (and I’m making a huge generalization here) to want to more or less ignore the birthmother. Adoptees seem to be split 50-50; some feel angry at the loss of the birth family and some don’t.
I don’t fit into any of those categories so I don’t say much about it. And maybe that makes me part of the problem, I don’t know. What I do know is that when it comes to adoption I don’t think the focus should be on either the birthparents or the adoptive parents. I think decisions should be made based on what is best for the child.
And for the record, I do believe it is best for the child to know as much as possible about his/her birthfamily. If possible, I think it is very important for the child to maintain some type of relationship with the birthfamily. Is that easy on the parents? Probably not.
I can’t imagine how hard that must be for parents from a typical domestic adoption. I know that I sometimes feel threatened by the role their birthmother may have in my children’s lives – and that role will most likely be a vague memory or simply an idea. It’s the “idea” that scares me most. I may someday have to compete with the “idea” of what could have been even though I know the reality of what was. That must be so much harder for other parents who adopt outside of foster care.
My point is, just because it’s hard doesn’t make it impossible. And just because it’s hard doesn’t make it any less important. We’re so very fortunate to have the birthgrandparents in our lives. We have adopted them as much as we are adopting the kids and I hope it will be that way forever. Sometimes it is uncomfortable and awkward but we’ll work through it. Because I believe that my sweet babies will cherish that link to their past. They’ll have someone to go to when they want to know more about their birthparents. When they are adults, they’ll have the option of meeting them if they choose to do so.
tags: Birth Parents Add a comment
Is this what being pregnant feels like?
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: October 30, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Shock.
Excitement.
Fear.
Longing.
Uncertainty.
Hopeful.
Sick.
Thrilled.
These are just some of the things you feel when you find out that the birthmother of your children is pregnant again. Knowing that in Texas, CPS will automatically take custody of a child born to parents who have already had their parental rights terminated by the court. Knowing that the first place CPS will look to place this child is with the adoptive parents of the siblings.
Please pray for the health and safety of this unborn child.
Baby Talk
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: November 5, 2007 at 8:22 pm
My initial excitement/worry/fear/hope of the baby news has subsided and I am able to think much more clearly now. Taking a step back and looking at the situation is always helpful for me, even when it is entirely out of my control!
First off, we are assuming that there is, in fact, a pregnancy. I’m not sure when or if that can even be confirmed until biomom starts showing. So going forward with that assumption, here are the possible scenarios:
A – biomom and/or baby test positive for drugs at birth, CPS is called and custody is immediately taken
B – no drugs in system but someone alerts CPS to the fact that a baby has been born to a biomom who has had rights terminated on two other children, CPS immediately takes custody because of the risk factor
Now, assuming A or B occurs, then:
1 – us or our agency is called since we are linked to this biofamily in the CPS records because we adopted the siblings
2 – CPS overlooks the files and places baby with another family
Obviously, if A or B happens then we are praying 1 will also happen. And it should. Once custody of this child is taken away, I do know that the process that follows will be different than it was before. No services will be offered which means bio parents will have no plan to work to try and regain custody. They would be assigned a court appointed lawyer and could work with that lawyer to fight the court for custody but they’d have little or no chance of that happening.
Keep in mind that nothing has changed for the birthparents. Their situation and their circumstances are much the same as they were when the rights were originally terminated. Should they be able to prove otherwise, then they would have a chance to regain custody of the new baby. But it won’t happen. And it shouldn’t happen.
I feel for them – I really, really do. I can’t imagine the heart ache of losing a child all over again, but it’s not them I’m thinking about. I can’t think about them because they are capable of thinking of themselves. It’s the children I’m concerned for. It’s the baby growing inside her that matters now. That child is more than likely already being abused. I pray for God’s protection on that baby.
It’s an awkward and uncomfortable situation for everyone, I’m sure. But I keep thinking about the baby. That baby deserves to have someone eager for his/her arrival and already willing to prepare a place for him/her. Maybe we’ll never even meet that baby, but that’s okay. I’ll be alright with that. But if we do have another child out there that is meant to be ours, I don’t want to miss one day of loving him/her…one day of anticipating him/her.
Does that make any sense at all?
I mean, it’s crazy, really. We aren’t even absolutely positive that there is a baby at all. And even if there is, biomom could leave biodad and we’d never know what happens unless baby is born positive for drugs. And I won’t wish for that.
There is no way of knowing what the future holds; but I do know Who holds our future and that is enough for me.
Jeremiah
Tags: Adoption
Posted: February 6, 2008 at 4:23 am
I haven’t been writing much lately, I’ve been pretty busy with work and just haven’t been “in the mood”. Actually, I’ve been cleaning a lot again and am happy to report that the kids rooms are spotless.
We’ve started the process to re-certify as foster parents so we will be eligible to have baby placed with us. We still aren’t 100% certain she is pregnant but the general assumption is that she is. I don’t know when she is due, but by my calculations, the absolute latest she can be due is the end of May.
It’s hard to refer to a baby that may not even exist so I’m just going to call him/her Jeremiah. The moment I heard she was reporting a pregnancy, my heart began praying for God’s protection on that fragile little life. I don’t know what God’s plan is, but I trust Him completely. I know you already know why I chose Jeremiah – because God’s plan is for a future and a hope. (29:11)
It’s hard to even process it all – it’s so different from the last time we went through the process. I’ve had the paperwork for a few days but haven’t filled it out yet, not because I’m not excited but just…well, just because. I guess I feel like I have plenty of time. Do I want this baby? Absolutely. When I think about too much, I start to get really excited. But I don’t live in that state of excitement because life is still happening daily around here. It’s confusing for me to understand, I have no idea how to paint a verbal picture of what’s happening inside my heart and my head.
I love our family and our life. I love that things are getting easier with the kids. I love that they are getting more independant. (okay, I also hate that) I love that everyone can walk on their own.
I’m not excited about the exhaustion of having a newborn. I’m not crazy about starting over again. I’m not sure I can handle three kids. I wonder what it will be like if there are serious complications from the drug exposure and the alcohol.
I can’t wait to hold Jeremiah close to my heart and smell his/her head. I can’t wait to watch Carter and Gracey meet their new sibling. I can’t wait to see the miracle God is working on even as I type this. I can’t wait to experience a newborn without the crazyness of having two children at one time.
I don’t know that I can handle it. But I do know that God can. I know that He has equipped me to do whatever it is He will call me to do. I believe Jeremiah 29:11. I believe it applies to me and I believe it applies to Jeremiah. And i’m here to do whatever it is God calls me to.
The one thing I’m not is worried. Strangely, I am completely at peace. Maybe we’ll have a baby in a few months and maybe we won’t. If we handled two at once we can certainly handle one. I’m not at a place where I’ll be disappointed if Jeremiah does not exist. I can not control what happens and have no way of looking into the future. I’m just along for the ride and i can’t wait to see where it takes me.
I can say that I am hoping for another baby. I am praying for a healthy baby. And I am also completely happy with the babies I have. God has blessed us so immensely, I just can’t imagine that there is more…. But I’m ready and I’m willing.