Advocating for a life
Posted: January 27, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Next week I go to court for Ava and Ethan and I’m currently working on my court report. How can I recommend to the court what is in the best interest of these children? I have so much information from people who obviously love the kids but most of it is unbelievably conflicting. Statements are made by the aunt that contradict things she has said earlier. And then I start to question if my memory serves me correctly or perhaps I misunderstood or “misheard” what she said before. But I feel so certain that I did not misunderstand.
Ava just turned 5 years old and from what I gather she has been passed around between 3-4 relatives for her entire life. It’s hard to sort through all of the lies. For example:
Father says: She lived with me only until she was 2 (when he went to jail for 2 years) at which time she stayed with the aunt. When I got out she lived with me again (Ava was 4) but my family would help out. The aunt might keep her for a week or so so I could work and she’d go spend weekends with the Godparents sometimes. Then my mother would also have her somtimes to help out. But she lived with me and was with me most of the time.
okay, so it sounds like he has a lot of support, right? But how often was Ava “staying” with someone else? Are we talking about once a month or every other week she was gone?
The aunt says: She lived with the Father until he was incarcerated at which time she moved around between me, the grandma and the Godparents. I might have her for a week or so and then Grandma might have her a week or so. We all kept her. We all had her. When she went to the Father I’d still keep her so he could work. Me: so you might have her for a few days here and there? the aunt: I’d pick her up for a week or so so he could work and she spent a lot of weekends with the Godparents. Grandma would also get her for a week or so. Me: so once the Father was released, Ava still pretty much moved around from home to home? The aunt: No, she lived with the Father.
okay, but it really sounds like she was still passed around on a regular basis. And what kind of work was the Father doing? There is no evidence of employment for many, many years.
The Godparents say: She has always lived with us. From when she was an infant until the time she went into care. She’s always been with us. Ask our family, our friends, the neighborhood. She calls the Godmother ‘mama’. She might spend the day with the Father so we could work but she slept her unless she was spending the weekend with the aunt or grandmother. Godfather: “I’ve never used drugs, I just sold them for a while” [in response to being asked about his criminal history]. The Godfather also talks about the horrible conditions the Father lived in and how when Ava was with him the aunt did not intervene even though she saw those awful conditions. Me: So when did Ava live with the Father? Godfather: oh, uh, well she has always lived with us but maybe she lived with him for a couple of weeks after he got out of jail but then he gave her back to us. Said it was best that way.
Keep in mind that Godmother already told me she would drop Ava off at the Father’s while she worked during the day. Godfather tells me about the awful conditions where he lived and was upset the Aunt did not intervene. If it was that awful (and I believe it was) then why in the world would they leave Ava there for a day? This makes no sense to me. And really, does being a drug dealer as opposed to a drug user make you a safer option for this young girl?
the Grandmother says: mostly she says the same as the aunt but she also states, “Ava really never had a home or one place where she lived. We all took care of Ava. She was always with the family. We took turns having her and taking care of her. A week here, a week there. Ava did live with the Father for the first 2 years and some after his release. But we all still helped out. The aunt would still pick her up or I would and she spent most weekends with the Godparents. Me: so maybe once a month or so she would go and stay for a week with one of you? Grandmother: oh no, at least 2 times a month, sometimes more. Me: so at least twice a month she would spend a week or so with a relative and stay most weekends with the Godparents. Grandmother: yes, that’s right. Me: but she LIVED with the father? Grandma: yes. right.
Is it just me or does it sound like Ava didn’t live anywhere? If there are 4 weeks in a month and two of those were spent elsewhere… and weekends were spent elsewhere…. does that mean she really lived with the father? Even in a 5 week month, it just doesn’t sound like she had any kind of permanency.
But does that mean the aunt shouldn’t have permanent custody? It may not be an ideal situation and I may think it is awful and damaging for her to not have a permanent home but my opinion doesn’t matter. I think that is one of the hardest things about all of this – the decision has to be made based on her safety, both physical and emotional. Just because I think it is awful for her to bounce around and not have a family want her full time doesn’t mean it isn’t in her best interest to remain with the family if they can keep her safe.
It’s certainly nice to know that although I make recommendations (with the support of my coordinator), I don’t actually make the decisions.
Sigh. For now I just hope we are given more time to wade through the information and make the best possible recommendation. All I can ask for in court is to be given that extra time and I know that will happen because of other things happening.
Empty Arms
Posted: October 28, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Ava and Ethan will be moving to a family member’s home on Friday. Pray for Foster mom who will have to make peace with that decision and will suffer a great loss. Pray that if my phone rings God will give me the right words. I can’t share all the facts with her but I want to show compassion.
Imagine bringing and infant home from the hospital and caring for him day in and day out for 2 months. Imagine bringing a 5 year old into your home and heart and for two months meeting all of her needs. Working with her to resolve and improve difficult behaviors. Seeing progress. Falling in love. And then they’re gone.
Will that home follow up with what you’ve been doing to help Ava? Will they know what each cry from Ethan means? When he’s hungry or tired? Will he wonder where I am and why I’m not with him? Will Ava regress because of another change? Will they be in contact with their abusers since they are family? Ugh.
Foster care is not for the faint of heart. Foster to Adopt is especially not for the faint of heart. One has to have faith and believe that for whatever amount of time you love those children, you make a difference in their lives. You have to believe that God will carry you through it and that what He has planned for you is better than what you want right now. You have to believe that while you are heartbroken and your spirit is crushed that the best interest of the kids are being met.
Because at the end of the day it’s not about you or your pain. It’s about the kids.
Perhaps you are wondering why anyone hoping to adopt would put themselves through that. Scroll up and you’ll find my answer…..
Desperate or Delusional?
Posted: October 27, 2009 at 6:37 am
That’s the question everyone’s asking about Ava and Ethan’s foster mom. The caseworkers think she’s nuts and has just gone way overboard. My own coordinator even got snippy about how foster mom shouldn’t even be thinking in terms of adoption because the kids aren’t technically on a “non-relative adoption” plan. Foster mom wants to know everything that’s going on – “what happened at court?… what is the status of this family member’s homestudy?…. why did the caseworker do this or that?”
I can hear the faint screaming of hysteria in her voice. The irrational rants about why Ava and Ethan shouldn’t go here or there or with that family member, etc… She’s not able to see why another option – an option that isn’t her home – might be better for the kids. Especially for Ava. And when the caseworker says, “….she’s JUST the caregiver..” and she needs to realize there are some things I don’t have to tell her…. I cringe right down to my very core.
I know that Foster Mom is both desperate and delusional. She’s desperate for a forever family and desperate to keep these children in arms and not just in her heart. She’s delusional because she’s convinced that no one else will be good for them.. that she has to be the mom or the kids will surely die. (so that’s exaggerating a bit) And the thing is, I get it.
I recognize that delusion, that desperation … I recognize my own fears from the first few months after Carter and Gracey came home to us. I ache for this woman who brought this infant home from the hospital and has cared for him day and night for two months. I ache for the mom who has dealt with difficult behaviors from a hurting 5 year old and who wants to protect her forever. I ache because all of her fears are justified.
Her arms will likely be empty very soon. Any day now she will get that call and it makes me sick to think of the pain it will cause her. I’m grateful I’m not the one who will make that call. Grateful I won’t be there when the children are taken from her. Grateful mine were never taken from me.
A good foster parent will not just be a ‘caregiver’ to the children in her home. She will love them fiercely and love them as if they were hers forever. She will lay down her heart for them, knowing it may get trampled on when all is said and done. But she’ll do it again and again and again because her heart is strong and her desire is great. And her love IS fierce.
It does appear that foster mom may be crossing a line or two but I’d like to see that met with compassion rather than contempt. I’d like to see the caseworkers understand where she is coming from and acknowledge what she’s invested in these children. Just have a little compassion.
It’s bad enough that we ‘infertiles’ are portrayed as baby snatchers in every Lifetime movie – it is ALWAYS the barren woman who cuts the baby from a woman’s uterus. ALWAYS!!!! Yes, we are infertile. Yes, we are desperate for a family. Yes, we want to snatch babies. But most of us don’t. 
Instead, we go through the pain of labor just like a woman giving birth does but our labor looks a little different. I can only imagine that for a foster mom who is hoping to adopt the children she so desperately loves, watching them leave her home to go and live elsewhere is like having a miscarriage. In this case, foster mom has had miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage.
She’s been fostering for more than two years and is still waiting for her happy ending.
I can’t write that without thanking God, again, for the three miracles who came to me so easily. Ha! It didn’t seem easy at the time but it was a short wait and we never had to experience the pain of a miscarriage. I’ll always be grateful for His Grace.
God is good, friends. God is good.
Child Abuse Sucks
Posted: October 24, 2009 at 3:49 am
I was sitting there a little sick at my stomach, looking around and wondering about the stories of the people around me. Sadness in some faces, regret on others. Anger, resentment and a sense of righteous indignation by those who are likely most guilty. I wondered about their past in the same breath I hoped against their future. Against reunification with a child(ren) who had suffered at their hands. In the Child Protective Services office, it’s hard to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
I’m not supposed to say that. To say that I hope reunification doesn’t happen. It’s like breaking the golden rule of social work but then again, I’m not a social worker.
It’s not that I don’t rehabilitation is impossible. It’s not that I think it is never in a child’s best interest to return to parent(s) who abused them – because ‘never’ is too limiting. ‘Never’ leaves no room for hope, no room for miracles. So while I do think it is possible and while I believe it can sometimes be in a child’s best interest to go back to the only home they’ve ever known, I also know the statistics.
I know that caseworkers may wait YEARS before seeing a successful reunification. Just today I spoke with a worker who just saw her first one after being on the job for a year. Her supervisor had to wait FOUR years before seeing that kind of happy ending. And these workers don’t just handle a few cases a year – it’s not uncommon for them have 20 cases at a time.
What’s possible and what’s likely are two different things entirely. I’ll root for the underdog and hope for the best even as I prepare for reality. That reality includes alternative care for two innocent children, one of whom has already seen too much of the world’s ugliness.
Here we go
Posted: October 16, 2009 at 3:27 am
I’ve heard that instead of just complaining about a situation you should become part of the solution. Does that mean if I am becoming part of the solution I can complain all I want? Can I vent and storm and rage about what I see and what I think and what I know? You already know it doesn’t matter if I have been assigned that privilege or not – I will vent and rage and storm whether I’m supposed to or not. So get your umbrellas out.
I have reenlisted with Child Advocates. and am getting started on my new case. I’ve not read the case file. I’ve not spoken with the social worker. I’ve not met the children. And I’m already irritated at a system that sucks. Here’s what I know: Ava is almost 5 years old and is entering foster care for the first time. From what I’ve been able to gather, she has lived off and on with friends and family members her entire life. Ethan is 2 months old and came into care at birth when mom tested positive for drugs. It’s unclear how Ava came into care – if CPS took custody or if the person Ava was living with place her into CPS care when Ethan was born. There are other bits and pieces that I’ll confirm when I get the case file but I’m already frustrated with the “system”.
It is heartbreaking to me that Ava has spent almost 5 years of her life most likely being bounced around from one couch to another. It ticks me off that mom did drugs while she was pregnant, admitted to it and will not be prosecuted for child abuse. IT INFURIATES ME that mom has 8 .. yes, I said EIGHT other children who have been removed from her care. Her parental rights have been terminated on 8 OTHER CHILDREN!!! Let that sink in for a minute. If you live in my state, your tax dollars paid her medical bills. YOUR tax dollars paid for an EPIDURAL during her deliveries. (assuming she had one, it is covered even though it is not medically necessary) YOUR tax dollars have paid for just the opportunity for this drug addict to get counseling, parenting classes, psych evals, drug treatment, etc….. I’d have no problem with that if she showed up for any of them. I’m guessing she did not. And if she did, it seems they didn’t “stick”.
I assume she will not be offered any services – in fact, I assume she wasn’t offered services on all eight of her previous children but I know she would have them on the first case. Evidently, some people consider forcing a woman to have a hysterectomy unconstitutional. So don’t force them. Give them options. Option A: be prosecuted for each case of neglect/abuse against your children and serve consecutive sentences or B: have a hysterectomy. I’d much rather my tax dollars be spent on hysterectomies than on people not showing up for classes/therapy/etc…
I believe in Mercy and second chances. I’m even okay with third chances here, but can’t we just apply the 3rd strike rule? If you have a THIRD child removed from your care and your rights are terminated you get on the express line to a hysterectomy. Or tubes tied. Or whatever type of permanent birth control doctors come up with. Or you can choose jail. Most of these parents are never prosecuted. A judge takes away their rights to parent this child but leaves the door wide open for them to parent others. At the VERY least, can we get a tattoo artist in here to ink the words “if you can read this call CPS immediately”. (not a perfect plan but you get the idea)
Maybe it is unconstitutional to take away a woman’s rights to bear children. But what about Ava’s rights? What about a little girl who knows no boundaries?? What about a little girl who probably doesn’t even know how to emotionally attach to another human? What about the baby girl who has likely seen and known things that are unspeakable. What does the constitution say about her?
Oh What a Day
Tags: Adoption
Posted: April 17, 2008 at 3:44 am
Too much today to write about so I’ll keep it very short.
Encouraging information on baby.
Bad news on Stella.
Visit with an old friend.
Very bad news on my cousin.
Nice conversation with Carter.
Worse news on my sweet cousin.
I’m tired. I have really great friends.
Stella was taken from school to a shelter today. I don’t think she’s going back to her foster home but since her caseworker never bothered to call and update me I’m not sure. Stella is making her choices and her future is ultimately in her hands. But I have to say that I’m dishing out equal blame on her foster mother and on my coordinator for this one. Why don’t they understand that by telling her what she can’t do when she is just venting that they are doing more harm than good? She just needs someone to get her, to understand her. We can drag her kicking and screaming to school but it’s up to her to learn. I say let her make her choices. Inform her of the natual consequences of her decisions, but let her make the choices. I mean, she’s going to make them anyway! Offer guidance, sure. AARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
My uncle and family are facing a heartbreaking situation with my sweet cousin. Pray for wisdom, courage, discernment and comfort. Pray for God’s presence to surround them in amazing ways over the next few days and weeks.
Overall I have to say CRAP DAY today.
Except for the conversation I had with the Adoption Lady who filled in some gaps on a recent upset at the agency. Made me feel much better about the “system” placing baby with us. That’s the slice of sunshine from today. That, and a short visit with a great friend I hadn’t seen in a while.
Sigh.
Time for sleep and wake up tomorrow to start all over again.
Tuesday
Tags: Adoption
Posted: April 16, 2008 at 4:22 am
Wow. I really got your attention in that last post, didn’t I? I appreciate the support and words of encouragement. I have no doubt that God will give us what we need to face whatever it is He brings to us. I do find myself quoting “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition present your requests to God” daily. Sometimes hourly.
The anxiety is not about how to handle three kids… it’s about whether or not we’ll even get the chance. His will, not mine. Please pray for the worker who will be writing up our homestudy. This process can take anywhere from 30-45 days and we really need it done asap. Pray for a sense of urgency.
We decided to take Carter with us on our little getaway. We just can’t leave him for four whole nights. It must sound terrible to say we can leave Gracey, but it’s a little different with her because we are all she’s ever known. I think SPeedy needs a little extra from us and I think this is just what the doctor ordered. We will all have a wonderful time and grandparents will have a blast with the little Gracey.
Stella. You haven’t heard much about her lately because she’s been doing really well. She’s been in the same foster home for FOUR months now and I’m thrilled. She looks amazing and has been doing really well. Last week, she turned 16. She decided she didn’t want to take her meds anymore so she is off of them now. I’m worried for how she’ll do without them.
I’m irritated that her foster mom (who overall is really great) did not know that as it stands now, Stella will not be considered a 10th grader next year if she doesn’t make up a half credit. She’s already a year behind and will turn 18 in her junior year. We mapped out an educational plan with her counselor but it’s going to be a lot work. I told her it was up to her to decide whether or not she wanted to do it. She told me today that she wants to quit school and does not want to attempt to graduate. Among other things, her plan right now is to get a job, get emancipated and move to Ohio. (puppy love)
What do you say to that? Telling her it isn’t realistic would not help her. So I just listened and told her it sounds like she’s got it all figured out. I told her that although the state could make her go to school, they couldn’t make her do the work and if she wanted to “quit” then that would be her choice. I casually mentioned that lots of people survive their whole life making only $8 an hour which is about what she can expect without a high school diploma. I suggested she do some research online to find out what it would take to get emancipated.
Understand this: I in no way want to see her make these choices. But she is 16 physically; 40 experience wise; 10 emotionally, etc… I can’t tell her what to do or how to do it. Me pointing out the absurdity of her plan will do nothing but make her angry and add fuel to the fire. Make her want to do it even more. So I just tried to listen and not ask too many questions. And not say all of the things that were coming to my mind. I’ve decided that the best thing I can do for Stella is to just be there. To listen and offer support and understanding when she needs it. There are enough people in her life pointing out the absurdity of plans and desires.
Here’s what really makes me angry. She called my coordinator and was very rude and ugly to her. My coordinator handled it poorly, in my opinion. Her immediate reaction was to revoke Stella’s priveledge of getting to travel with her aunt to go and visit some family in a neighboring state. Now, the reason is that she feels like Stella may not come back but I don’t think that’s a real issue. And I think my coordinator is giving Stella a consequence that takes away her right to see her family. And I don’t think it’s okay to do that. It’s not fair. Take away her Ipod, take away her phone, but don’t withdraw the opportunity to go and see her family. Not when you’ve already said she could go. Ugh.
Merry Christmas, Stella
Posted: December 22, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Later this morning I’ll be taking Christmas gifts to Stella. In her new foster home. She’s been there for a little over a week now. I’ve lost count of how many homes she’s been in since entering care and I don’t have the heart to count them anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall with her. It’s frustrating and disheartening, but what am I supposed to do? Give up? Not a chance. This year, she’ll spend Christmas with strangers. I can’t imagine what that must be like.
The marathon is rapidly approaching and I’m trying not to think about it. You may have noticed that you haven’t seen any “training day #” posts in quite some time. I figure I’ll just wait and do all my trianing in the two weeks leading up to the event. 
Well, I may die in the process but I am going to walk that marathon. Even though my attempts at fundraising have been nothing short of pathetic. **shameless plug*** if you are looking for a last opportunity for a tax write off before year’s end……..
Stella
Posted: December 8, 2007 at 5:58 pm
I don’t know how parents of children with serious issues do it. Graceyotionally, I am drained just from talking with Stella a couple times a week and feel like I’m beating my head up against a brick wall. She has not moved again, but it is only a matter of time.
Stella gets to visit with some of her family – one person in particular who stays in contact with her. She even gets to spend the weekend with this person and everything was working beautifully until Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving, Stella was allowed to travel with this family member and saw a lot of her family again. She returned on Sunday and got into a very serious altercation at school on Monday. One that ended with her getting a ticket for assault.
She shows no remorse.
Her attitude following the incident was horrific. She was giving foster parents a hard time, she hung up on me and was refusing to participate in any services that might benefit her. She gave her foster family heck. Foster mom even tried to have her removed because she can’t deal with her behaviors anymore. Right now, she is on a weekend respite -staying with another family to give the foster family a break. Stella was not at all happy about that. All of the sudden, she was ready to comply with rules and didn’t understand why she had to go for a couple of days.
It would be so easy to get frustrated with her, even angry. But I get angrier at a system and a family that has more or less abandoned her. Her future is bleak. I always have hope in Christ but I have to tell you, that hope is a hard thing to hold on to for Stella. I have an idea that she will move from one on state sytem into another, harsher one. But I hope not. I am praying for a miracle. For a change in her heart.
And if …. when she moves again, I am going to request that she enter a facility instead of a foster home. Unless some serious intervention happens, she will not survive. I am afraid that the intervention will not happen unless we can get her to stay in one place long enough to establish a good rapport with a therapist and have the same doctor long enough to find the right med (if needed) at the right dose for her.
I don’t see how it will be possible for any of the above to happen while she’s in a foster home….because I don’t think she is capable of functioning in one. I wish I could find my miracle family for her – a family like this one. Parents who refuse to give up on their children, even when they suffer abuse because of it. Parents who define unconditional love. Parents who know how to set boundaries and be firm and demonstrate God’s love all at the same time. Parents who truly, in every sense of the word, lay down their lives for their kids.
I want that family for Stella.
Happy Holidays, Stella.
Posted: November 30, 2007 at 4:41 am
Frustrated.
Sometimes I feel like there is not much to look forward to in her future. I’d give anything to change that but she has to choose to participate in her future. She has to choose to participate and cooperate in getting to where she wants to be. I don’t know if she can.
More late.