Stella’s new home
Posted: October 30, 2007 at 2:35 pm
I visited with Stella’s new foster mom yesterday in her home and I really like her. She seems to be a Godly woman whose heart is in the right place as she works to restore these kids. In fact, she has 9 brothers and sisters and most of them are foster parents. They all get together every Sunday after church.
I’m not sure how to put it into words, but there seems to be something very special about this home. The mom is very positive and seems to take every opportunity to fill these girls with love. I can’t remember her exact words, but she told me about a conversation she had with Stella where Stella said she was “different”. The foster mom explained to Stella something along the lines of “I am different because I am always positive. And I’m going to pour out of myself into you all the love and hope and positive thoughts I can muster.”
There is a schedule and everything is very well organized. Stella is going to hate it. But I think if she can stick it out that it’s exactly the kind of evironment she needs.
Keep praying.
Just another weekend?
Posted: October 29, 2007 at 4:55 am
What did you do this weekend? Hang out with your family? Spend time with some dear friends? Maybe help your kids with school work? Maybe you still take classes and you had to catch up with your own school work? Stella moved to her NINTH placement in 10 months. She is fifteen years old.
Do you remember high school? I mean, do you really remember? The insecurities, the desire to just fit in, the difficulty in knowing who your friends really were?
School started about two months ago. That is approximately 8 weeks. Stella has been to 3 different schools, 3 different placements, 3 different sets of rules, friends, etc…. She is now at her fourth placement (just since school started) and will be starting her FOURTH school. She’s already started over four times and hasn’t even made it through the second six weeks.
While we went on with life as normal, Stella was making this latest move. She is devestated right now and emotionally exhausted. Please continue to pray for her and for her new foster mom.
In the meantime, two family members have decided that CPS is not meeting Stella’s needs (DUH) and each has seperately asked to start the process of getting custody of Stella. There is a very good chance that one of these family members will be a good placement for her – the other I’m not too sure about. I mean, after giving up and refusing to accept responsibility for a child, it’s difficult for me to send that child back to you. Not that it is my decision – I have no power, only influence. Anyway, it will be interesting to see what unfolds over the next few weeks. Just please pray for the whole situation and also for wisdom and discernment for me and for the CPS caseworker.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could get Stella into a permanent home before Christmas? Maybe there is still a chance.
Sadly, Stella represents only one of a number of kids just like her in care. Most of them without an advocate working on their behalf. The thing is, as a volunteer advocate, I’m no miracle worker – I don’t do anything extraordinary. I’m just there. For each placement, for each transition, for each anything, I am there. I’m cheering her on, listening to her and loving her the best I can. But mainly, I’m just there. Her caseworker will change. Her placements will change. Her schools will change. Her doctors will change. Her therapists will change. Her volunteer Child Advocate will stay the same. I gather information and coordinate all the new service providers. I follow up to make sure she is getting therapy and seeing doctors and so on. Tomorrow morning, I’ll make calls to try and get her registered at a new school – a process that can sometimes take days for workers to get to. When you move to 4 different schools in the first two months, missing days each time as you wait for registration information to change hands can lead to missing weeks of school and failing. And the last thing any teenager in foster care needs is to get another grade behind. As it stands now, Stella will not graduate high school before she turns 18; once she turns 18, she will no longer be able to be in foster care.
I could go on and on and on. But it’s late and I’m tired and you are probably tired of hearing me complain. If you want to help, pray. If you want to contribute to Child Advocates so that more kids can have a consistent person advocating for them, you can do that here. It doesn’t take much to make a difference.
Maybe you’ve been reading about Stella for a while and you’ve decided you’d like to get more information about becoming and advocate yourself. Child Advocates is a national organization so I’m sure there is one close to you. Graceyail me or leave me a comment if you want help finding out more about how you can become a volunteer. Hey, if I don’t meet my fundraising goal of $5000 for the marathon, but I get even one more person to become an advocate, I’ll consider my venture a huge success.
Oh, Stella -edited
Posted: October 27, 2007 at 6:29 am
You are breaking my heart.
It’s 1:15am and I just got home from un unexpected visit to the foster home. Where I talked with an emotionally distraught Stella, witnessed an unbearably emotional exchange between foster mom and another foster daughter who had been with her for THREE YEARS, spoke with three different police officers and spoke with a heart broken foster mom.
Needless to say, Stella is moving yet again. Through sobbing, she told me she “just couldn’t do it anymore” – that she didn’t want to have to start all over again with meeting new people, new parents, new school, etc… and on top of everything else, she has a boyfriend she is leaving behind this time. Someone she describes as “so sweet” and who makes her whole face light up when she mentions his name.
All four kids in this home are being moved because of some very bad choices on the kids’ part. I’m sad for Stella. I’m shocked that the foster parents are so shocked about what was going on. And I am absolutely heart broken that a girl who has lived with this family for THREE YEARS is being forced to leave by the foster parents because they are hurting. And I know they are truly hurting – I could see it in their eyes. But it’s just not about them. I can see them sending three away because they aren’t as emotionally invested…..and although every move is bad for these kids, for the three it is just another move. For the fourth, the one who has been there so long, this is abandonment – from someone she loved and trusted.
So now I’m curious. Put one boy and three girls – all teenagers, all serious issues of neglect/abuse/abandonment by birth families, at least two with a history of se#ually acting out, all in foster care – put them together under one roof and leave them unsupervised for any amount of time whatsoever…..what do YOU think is going to happen? When you go to sleep at night and the kids are all upstairs, what do you think is happening? When you leave them for even just an hour to run an errand, what do you think is happening?
Why are you so surprised?
As a foster parent, is it okay for you to put kids out of your house because they have disappointed you in such a big way? Granted, there is no way they could continue to have both the boy and the girls in the home. But the one who’d been with you for three years? What message are you sending that poor child? I love until….. I love you unless…. At what point does a “foster parent” have to face up to the same accountability as parent? I guess what really gets me about this is that these really are good foster parents. And they truly are heart broken right now. Devastated. They did treat these kids as if they were their own….. I’m just wondering, if this one girl in particular, if she were their biological child and the same thing happened, would they put her out?
Maybe it will make more sense tomorrow. Pray for Stella. Pray also for these foster parents to find forgiveness in their hearts. Pray for the one girl who is losing her family all over again.
Edited to add: The girl who had been with them for so long is back with them again.
Click for Stella
Posted: September 22, 2007 at 2:53 am
Those of you keeping up with Stella’s story know what it means for a child like her to have an advocate. Most kids in foster care do not have advocates at all. By now you know a lot about Stella’s story – some of her history, her recent placements, her limited options for the future. Not all foster kids look like Stella.
“Tim” and “Katie” were taken into custody after their mother left them with a homeless man at a convenience store. Being left alone with strangers was an unfortunate occurrence that the two children had grown accustomed to while in their mother’s care. During visits to their foster home, their Child Advocates volunteer, Deena, discovered both children could graphically describe how their mother cooked crack with “a spoon” and smoked it in front of them.
The rampant child abuse in our society is simply astounding. If somthing you’ve read about Carter and Gracey’ story, Stella’s story, or even Child Advocates in general has touched your heart, I hope you’ll agree to help make a difference. I know not everyone has the time or even the inclination to become a court appointed child advocate – everyone has their own calling in life and this one just happens to be one of mine.
So I’m asking you to click for Stella. Click the link below and make a donation that will go directly to Child Advocates. I’m going to participate in a marathon - technically, a half-marathon – and I’m looking for sponsors. I will join other volunteers and walk/run (mostly walk) 13.1 miles in an effort to draw attention to the abused children in our community.
I am asking you to help. I rarely participate in fundraisers of any kind because I don’t like asking people for money. I’m going to shamelessly ask, beg and plead for sponsors for this event because I fiercely believe in the cause. Although the event does not take place until January 2008, I’d like to finish my campaign prior to Thanksgiving to avoid holiday spending issues. None of the money collected will ever be in my hands – it is all set up to go directly through the website sponsoring the fundraising campaign.
The information packet said I should have a fundraising goal and the first thing that came to mind was $5000. Yep, I know that’s asking a lot for one person to collect from other individuals, but I’m sticking with my first instinct. I’m working towards that goal and have already figured out that we can do it if we can find:
20 people to make $25 donations
20 people to make $50 donations
15 people to make $100 donations
4 people to make $500 donations
It seems much more doable when I break it down. Do it for me. Do it for Stella and Carter and Gracey and Lucy and Sam and Johnny and the countless other children who need someone to stand in the gap for them.
Click here to visit my fundraising page and make a donation. I’ll eventually put a graph or something on my sidebar so you can track our progress. Help me help Child Advocates help abused children.
Thank you for your support. You rock!
Stella’s Story – cont’d
Posted: September 20, 2007 at 3:12 am
Stella will be moving to another foster home tomorrow. I spoke with the new foster mom on the phone tonight and she sounds wonderful! When I asked her how long she and her husband had been foster parents, she told me that they consider this their ministry. I’m praying that this is where Stella will find the love and support she needs to survive this world.
Please pray for these foster parents – pray that God will give them wisdom and discernment, patience and an overwhelming love for Stella. Pray for Stella, that she works hard to make this placement work and that she gains the self-control she needs to manage her anger in any situation. Pray that this is her miracle.
Life in a Bag
Posted: September 10, 2007 at 2:41 am
One of the things that I did for Stella last week was gather her things from the foster home. 3 small duffle bags, a small radio, and 3 garbage bags.
Broke. My. Heart.
When I brought some extra clothes to her, I asked if she’d mind if I moved her things into another bag – I didn’t want to “go through” them without her permission. I found 2 big duffle bags on clearance at Target and moved all of her things from the garbage bag into the duffles. So now, at least she doesn’t have to carry her things around in a trash bag.
I’m making labels for all of her bags – like labeling her bags is going to fix her life. I just want to make sure that her things go with her when she moves. I guess I should really embroidery them so the tags can’t be removed. Everything she owns besides a few pairs of clothes is right now on my living room couch in 5 duffle bags. I should point out that when moving her things from the trash bags to the duffles, I came across no photos. For some reason, that made me really sad. I wonder if she even has a photo from when she was little.
She seems to be making some progress, but then again, she may also be playing me like a fiddle. Frankly, I don’t care. I think she needs someone to be on her side.
How many momentos do you have from the first 15 years of your life? Do you have an outfit you wore as a baby? A photograph? A favorite toy or doll? Special certificates you received? A baby book?
Stella’s on the move again
Posted: September 9, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Sigh.
It’s been a rough two weeks with Stella. While I was on vacation, she ran away from her foster home but only for a few hours. I think it was more like leaving to go visit a friend even though she’d been told she wasn’t allowed to do so. To make a long story short, Stella was accused of hitting one of the other foster girls in the head while on the school bus. Let me give you the different versions of the story I heard:
CaseWorker:
I’m not sure what happened, exactly. I don’t have the details yet but I know Stella is at XXXXX.
Foster Mom:
Stella hit so-and-so on the head and left a huge bump. The school called me and told me to come get Stella, that she was suspended from school for three days. I picked her up and took her to the hospital and I don’t feel like the other girls are safe with her in the house, she can’t come back here.
Stella:
Cindy, you know that I wouldn’t lie about this. You know it’s not like me to say I didn’t hit someone. I DID NOT hit that girl. She is mentally retarded and I would not ever hit a mentally retarded person. If I hit her, I’d tell you. I was NOT suspended from school. They looked into it and decided there was no proof that I hit her so I did not get suspended. I was just sent home for the day while they investigated.
Vice Principal:
Stella was not suspended. We did not see enough proof that she actually hit someone so she is NOT suspended.
Interesting. I have to say that from what I’ve come to know about Stella, it would surprise me if she would lie about hitting someone. Don’t get me wrong, I know she lies. But not usually about this. Let me explain. If Stella had actually hit this girl, her response would have been more along these lines: “yeah, I hit that girl. She done what she did and I’m going to beat her down. You can’t do that to me. She was disrespecting me and I’d hit her again.” I’ve actually heard those words come from her mouth before. She isn’t one to shy away from the fact that she hit someone. She likes to hit and she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with doing it.
And why should she? It is what she has seen and experienced her whole life.
Sigh. The fact of the matter is it doesn’t matter whether or not she hit anyone. This is still another move for Stella.
Because I want you to understand as much as possible what it feels like to be Stella, imagine living in a home where the other foster kids are your age but are all MR. The preteen biological child in the family does a lot to care for the other girls and is a great help around the house. However, she is put a position of authority over you as well yet she is 3 years your junior. Stella was treated like she needed the same assistance with things that the other girls needed. In addition to that, she was also constantly reminded that she was “just a foster kid”. I believe one quote from the foster mother was, “I don’t let my own children do that, I’m sure not going to let a foster child do it.” Also said to Stella was something along the lines of, “I’m not about to let a foster child get me disliked by the neighbors.”
So far my experience with foster parents through Child Advocates has not been pleasant. Frankly, they suck.
I’m not bad anymore
Posted: August 23, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Stella: through tears, “I just want them to know that I’ve changed. I’ve really changed this time. I know I was bad before but I’m not bad anymore. If they could just give me a second chance to show them. I want to go home. I want to be with my family. If they don’t give me a second chance I understand. I just want them to know I’m different now.”
Can you imagine being 15 and knowing that your family doesn’t want you because you’re “bad”?
As I was leaving today, Stella asked me how she could catch up at school. (she is one year behind) I told her to work hard and make A’s and B’s (she is incredibly capable of doing straight A’s) and then we could talk to her counselor at school. I suggested maybe summer school. She said she couldn’t afford to pay for summer school. (does summer school actually cost money?) I just smiled and told her that if she made the grades and decided she wanted to go to summer school to catch up that we would find a way to make it happen.
Stella moved to a new foster home last week and new foster mom didn’t have any information about medication. No meds, no prescriptions, no nothing. No evals so Stella could see the therapist or the doctor who might be able to prescribe appropriate medication. Case worker left Friday for vacation and isn’t returning until next week. Stella didn’t have enough clothes for school that starts on Monday. Stella wanted to see her bio family this weekend (which is allowed) but foster mom wouldn’t set it up because she doesn’t want bio family to have her contact information. Stella’s aunt was going to buy her shoes for school.
Enter Child Advocates.
Stella now has clothes for school (thanks, again, mom) and she will be spending the weekend with her aunt who will buy her shoes and get her hair done. All necessary records have been sent to appropriate persons so Stella was able to see the therapist and will also see the doctor this week.
Have you signed up to become a Child Advocate yet?
To be Stella
Posted: August 21, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Do you remember what it was like when you were in school and you did your back to school shopping? The fun of picking out new clothes and school supplies. The anticipation of the new school year. It’s been a long, long, loooong time since I’ve felt that way but I can remember even the first few years after college feeling that same sense of anticipation in the early fall.
Imagine that anticipation feeling more like dread and anxiety. Not worried about the school or the classes, but concerned because you don’t have enough clothes that fit to get you through a week. Worried because there is no one to buy those things for you. Sure, you get a measely clothing allowance from CPS and your foster mom gets so much money a month for your care, but still. When the clothing allowance is gone and your foster mom hasn’t yet received her check or its for the wrong amount or for whatever reason…..you’re the one left with less than what you need for school.
It’s not hard to understand how you could be without clothes. Even if you had enough a few months ago, you’ve lived in 5 different places in the last 6 months – you’re bound to leave things behind when you go from one place to another. And although you’re about to start a new school in a new place you know you shouldn’t get comfortable there because you won’t be there long. Your case worker is already talking about moving you again for reasons you don’t understand.
Most kids are worried about whether or not their jeans are cool enough; you’re worried about whether or not you’ll get the extra pairs you need.
Most kids are worried about how their shirts fit them; you wonder if you’ll have to wear the same ones every three days.
Most kids have plenty of underwear to get them through the week; you hope your foster mom stays on top of the laundry.
The saddest part of it all? This is not a new feeling for Stella. This has always been her life.
Court Date
Posted: July 7, 2007 at 12:38 am
Next week I’ll be back in court. Ironically, with the same judge who ruled over Gracey and Carter’s case.
It’s a placement review for Stella and I don’t expect much to come of it. How sad it is that my recommendation is for Stella to age out of foster care – that is truly her best option for any kind of a future. I’m just praying good foster parents will come along and she’ll form some kind of bond with them. The good news is that she is no longer in the horrific place she was in – the hospital where I went to visit her. She’s moved, but is still not in a foster home. And the services we’ve been requesting and have still not been given to her. That will definitely be a point of contention in court. Bleh. We’ll see how it goes.