Tough to Love
Tags: Adoption
Posted: June 28, 2008 at 1:15 am
When I saw the birthparents after court the other day, I gave them some photos of Carter and Gracey meeting Mathew for the first time. I also gave them some photos of just Carter and Gracey. They were excited to see them but never said thank you or even asked how any of them were doing. Several people have commented that they were surprised I would give them photos.
Why not?
Although I sometimes find myself getting angry and wanting to be mean when i think of the things I know they put my children through, I have to constantly remind myself that it is not my job to punish them. Just as Christ forgave me, it is my job to forgive them. And to love them. And despite the choices they have made, I know they are hurting deeply. I can’t imagine the emptiness their lifestyle fills them with or the ache that is left over after a high. My heart goes out to them.
It’s easy to believe that we are better than that and nothing like that could ever happen to us. We would never make those choices. But how do any of us really know how close we may have come? We may have been one friend away from a life of bad choices. We may have been one drink away from an addiction that would consume us. There is no way we can be sure how close we may have come.
It is not my place to stand in judgement of the birthparents or of anyone else. In fact, I am grateful to them. It’s a twisted kind of emotion that causes me to be grateful for the terrible choices they have made that brought my children home to me.
I’m not always good at living out God’s mercy and grace – most of the time I’d say I fail miserably. But I have prayed from the beginning that God would soften my heart toward them and I believe it has made all the difference. I need to pray that same prayer about a few more people in my life. (go on, I know you want to shout ‘Amen’) ha ha ha
Love is a funny thing. The people who are most difficult to love are usually the ones who need it the most.
tags: Adoption, Birth Parents, Love for us 1 comment
Carboard Testimony
Posted: June 23, 2008 at 8:37 pm
We often see people on the side of the road, beggin for money and holding a cardboard sign that tells their story in just one phrase. If you were asked to stand on the side of the road and display your cardboard testimony, what would it say?
Watch a very moving clip of a church that did just that. It’s long, but worth the time it will take you to watch.
tags: Love for us 2 comments
His Amazing Grace
Tags: Adoption
Posted: June 18, 2008 at 5:08 am
For about nine months, I have been praying for baby Mathew. (again, not his name but something Carter came up with a long time ago) When I first heard the news that bm was pregnant, I had prayed only a day or two, maybe three before that if God didn’t want us to have more children….. that He would take away that desire from heart. I had been aching for another baby but really didn’t think it would happen. So I asked God to remove that desire. Then I found out that bm was pregnant again and I remember thinkin, “okay, God, this is not doing anything to remove that desire from my heart…” 
I began to pray, we began to pray from the very beginning. We prayed for God’s protection on this child. We prayed that bm would make better choices this time around. And i began to love this child while he was still in his mother’s womb. As God was knitting him together, we were praying and also preparing. I remember making a concious decision to plan for that child and allow myself to love him even though nothing was certain. While we began to prepare for another child, we also prayed that the birthparents would get it together. We had no idea what would happen.
When we were told that the due date was the same as our birthday (yes, daddyo and I have the same birthday), it was hard not to look at that as a sign that we better really start preparing. I know it’s crazy. To count so much on another person’s child becoming your own – not by her intention but by her choices. It’s unrealistic to put my heart on the line when I had no way of knowing what would happen. It’s just that I didn’t want to miss one day of loving this baby. If he does become mine, I want to know that I loved him from the very beginning – I didn’t hold back in fear.
And what if the unthinkable happens? What if this child and this family slips through the cracks of CPS? What will I have lost from loving compared to what I will have gained? I know I have done all that I can to intervene on behalf of this child and I believe with all my heart that without the information I was given and passed along to others, this baby would be at an even greater risk because no one would be looking out for him.
I still can’t be sure about what will happen, but one thing I do know is that God’s hands are in this. I don’t always understand His ways but I trust His character. I trust His heart. And I want whatever it is that He has for me. And I don’t know how people who don’t have a relationship with Jesus make it through difficult times. I don’t know what they hold on to. Because I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I have no fear and no worry and that my heart doesn’t break every second that baby Mathew is away from me. My arms ache almost as much as my heart does.
But I’m telling you that I am filled with peace. Scripture after scripture comes to mind when i pray and I know that God is right here with me. I feel His grace covering me with every step…with every breath. And I know that His heart is aching right along with mine. I trust Him with my life. I trust Him with my heart. His love truly does endure forever. My ways are not His ways and believe me, friend, His ways are ALWAYS better. Why do we work so hard to hang on to our misery? It sucks the life out of us when we worry and are anxious and we fight to keep whatever it is that has that hold on us. God can do so much more with us, in us and through us when our hearts are free from worry and fear. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I have no idea if I’ll ever even meet baby Mathew. And I am okay with that. I’m okay with not knowing (not the same as liking it…). Because at the end of the day I have absolutely no control over it.
In the midst of all the craziness in my life right now, I am free. Christ died and set me free.
“Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
Amazing Love, now flowing down
from hands and feet
that were nailed to the tree
He Grace flows down and covers me
tags: Adoption, Anxiety, God's Grace 3 comments
Protected: Confessions of a selfish heart
Tags: Adoption
Posted: June 7, 2008 at 4:29 pm
tags: Adoption, Anxiety, God's Faithfulness 1 comment
Bountiful Blessings
Posted: June 6, 2008 at 7:27 pm
A few years ago, BK (before kids), four other ladies and myself met once or twice a month in an infertility support group. We prayed together and for each other. We laughed. We cried. We hoped. Infertility is a brutal road to navigate and I couldn’t have done it without the help of a few good friends.
We all got together again this morning for the first time…. just look at us now.
Trust in the Lord….
Posted: May 31, 2008 at 4:48 am
Jeremiah 29:11 is not a verse that I see regularly. Not like John 3:16 or John 14:6. It’s not one that is typically found on bookmarks, bumper stickers and t-shirts. So when I run across it, I like to think of it as God’s way of just reminding me He’s still with me.
As I am pulling up to a red light yesterday, I move a little closer to the SUV in front of me so I can read what is on the back. I’m not sure if it was a sticker or actually painted onto the vehicle itself. It was our verse. My heart smiled immediately. Of all the cars on that road, of all the trucks turning left, my van was right behind this one? Not a chance. So maybe that voice in the back of my head starts talking too loud and drowning out all the belief from earlier in the day. And then I get a phone call from a friend in another state, telling me that she has been thinking of me a lot this past week. “Three times in the past few days,” she says, “Jeremiah 29:11 has popped up in random places.”
See, I believe God speaks to us every day but we often miss it because we just aren’t listening. Carter has this uncanny way of just tuning me out completely when he’s watching TV or doing something else that requires his attention. It’s annoying when he doesn’t respond to me, but he not only misses the things he doesn’t want to hear but he also misses things he does want to hear. Like, “Carter, do you want ice cream?” That’s when I know he has just really tuned me out.
We do that with God a lot. We just completely tune Him out because someone or something else has all of our attention. Every once in a while Carter will get in trouble for not following directions and he’ll complain that he didn’t hear me. My response is always the same, “you should train your ears to always hear mommy’s voice.” (this only applies to those times when he tunes me out) As Christians, we should train our hearts to always hear His voice.
No, I don’t believe in coincidence.
My body snatching friend shared an experience with me which reminded her of “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” That was this morning. This afternoon I swam with the kids and was retelling the events of the day to daddy. As the words came out of my mouth, His words poured from my heart.
“I kept telling Carter he would be okay, to go on and swim to the side and I’d be there if he needed me. I told him I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He knows how much I love him and how I care for him every day, yet he was still afraid he wouldn’t be able to come up from the water….”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
How often does God wonder why it is so hard for me to just trust Him and swim.
tags: Love for us 1 comment
Because He first loved me
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: May 21, 2008 at 4:42 am
As I was driving home from Bunco tonight (Darn Nicole for winning in THREE categories!) I was thinking about baby Mathew. Wondering what in the world is going on with the bio parents and when this sweet miracle child will arrive. Not really worrying, just wondering and waiting and longing. As I came up on an overpass, I looked up and saw the moon in all its glory – yellowish orange, full and HUGE. Just as I looked up to see that, the music started as if on que and this is what filled my heart:
When I survey the wondrous cross…On which the Prince of Glory died, My richest gain I count but loss And pour contempt on all my pride. See from his head, his hands, his feet…Sorrow and love flow mingled down. Did ever such love and sorrow meet Or thorns compose so rich a crown? O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross… Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live. O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross…All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name. Were the whole realm of nature mine…That were an offering far too small. Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all.
As much as I may be longing for this child, My God is longing even more for me. As much as I may want this child, My God is wanting even more of me. Nothing can I gain – not even a child – means more than the cross. It was a few minutes of peace as i drove in silence pouring out my heart to a God who wants me more than I could ever imagine. I long to hold this baby close to my heart and let him rest his head on my chest. God longs for the same from me. He longs for the same from all of us. I have never met this child and may never even get the opportunity to feel his breath on my cheek, but I love him. What does that say of the love God has for us, His children? How much more, how much greater is His love for us?
Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Because He first loved me.
For a different perspective on a full moon, read what daddyo showed my sister a few years ago… (and seriously, if you haven’t read about that, you really, really should.)
Looking back to see ahead
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: May 18, 2008 at 1:13 am
I stumbled across this old post tonight and was reminded again of God’s infinite power. This is a prayer I feel was truly answered – we did build a decent relationship with the birthmom and have continued that in limited ways over the past two years. I pray it will continue through this next leg of our journey.
In the endless wondering about baby Mathew, the questions pop into my mind with rapid fire: Is baby healthy? When will baby be born? IS baby a boy or a girl? Will baby come home to us? Will we get to see baby soon after he/she is born? Will baby be in the NICU for long? Will we get to see birthparents again? Will there be family visits this time around? Will CPS do what it should and follow through?
Soooo many questions. I only have one answer and it is from Jesus who said, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible .” Mathew 19:26.
EVERYTHING is possible with God. We are praying for a healthy baby. We are praying we get to bring baby home soon after he/she is born. We praying the process runs very smoothly. All we can do is trust that God is in control and fully submit to His authority and His wisdom.
Happy Mother’s Day
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: May 11, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you are mothers. And happy Mother’s Day to all of you who will one day be mothers. And Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who long to be mothers. I hope your wait is a short one.
What a fabulous day. The weather was great, the food was good and we had both our parents over for lunch. We spent a lot of time outside playing with the kids this afternoon and they had a blast. I’m trying to really enjoy these breezy, beautiful days because I know the scorching heat of summer is just around the corner.
Through all of the fun and beauty in this day, I could not help but think of the child who is not yet mine; who may never be mine. Tomorrow birthmom is 35 weeks along. The day she gave birth to Gracey. I know that in normal cases, the longer baby stays with birthmom, the better, but in this case that just may not be true. I pray for baby. Baby “Mathew” as Carter calls him/her. After reading the story of Abraham and Sarah and how they prayed for a baby for so long, Carter decided that “our baby” was going to be named Mathew. Anyway, I pray for “Mathew” several times a day and thoughts of him/her rarely leave my mind and never leave my heart.
You know, I said that I wouldn’t be devestated if we didn’t end up with this child. I no longer believe that is true. I ache to hold a tiny baby against my chest and smell the softness of its head, the sweetness of its breath. I long to feel that heart beat against mine. I want to bring Carter and Gracey’s baby brother or sister home. I’m standing in faith and believing it will happen and at the same time asking God to forgive my unbelief. This has always been a difficult place for me to be, spiritually. God calls us to stand in faith and to believe Him. It’s not the believing part I have trouble with – it’s the knowing whether or not I’ve heard Him clearly or just imagined what I wanted to hear.
Your will, Lord. Nothing less. Nothing more. Nothing else.
tags: Anxiety, God's Grace, Mathew, Waiting/Preparing 1 comment
Exhale….
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: April 28, 2008 at 4:17 am
I don’t know why I was even worried about the home study. How many times does God have to prove His faithfulness, His power over the details, and His unending love for me before I stop sweating the small stuff? The things that concerned me the most about the home study never even came up. Questions I thought would be difficult to answer weren’t asked. Questions I would have considered answering dishonestly (shock! I know, who would have thought ha ha) were not asked.
Not only was the worker compassionate and caring, she was also sensitive to our timeline. It can take up to 45 days for a homestudy to be written up. She said ours would be finished on Monday, Tuesday if the computers were down. That’s less than 48 hours, people. Pray nothing prevents her from completing it.
Now, we wait. Everytime the phone rings and it is GrannyJ, my heart skips a beat.
Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.” He will meet all our needs. He is enough for me.