His Amazing Grace
Tags: Adoption
Posted: June 18, 2008 at 5:08 am
For about nine months, I have been praying for baby Mathew. (again, not his name but something Carter came up with a long time ago) When I first heard the news that bm was pregnant, I had prayed only a day or two, maybe three before that if God didn’t want us to have more children….. that He would take away that desire from heart. I had been aching for another baby but really didn’t think it would happen. So I asked God to remove that desire. Then I found out that bm was pregnant again and I remember thinkin, “okay, God, this is not doing anything to remove that desire from my heart…” 
I began to pray, we began to pray from the very beginning. We prayed for God’s protection on this child. We prayed that bm would make better choices this time around. And i began to love this child while he was still in his mother’s womb. As God was knitting him together, we were praying and also preparing. I remember making a concious decision to plan for that child and allow myself to love him even though nothing was certain. While we began to prepare for another child, we also prayed that the birthparents would get it together. We had no idea what would happen.
When we were told that the due date was the same as our birthday (yes, daddyo and I have the same birthday), it was hard not to look at that as a sign that we better really start preparing. I know it’s crazy. To count so much on another person’s child becoming your own – not by her intention but by her choices. It’s unrealistic to put my heart on the line when I had no way of knowing what would happen. It’s just that I didn’t want to miss one day of loving this baby. If he does become mine, I want to know that I loved him from the very beginning – I didn’t hold back in fear.
And what if the unthinkable happens? What if this child and this family slips through the cracks of CPS? What will I have lost from loving compared to what I will have gained? I know I have done all that I can to intervene on behalf of this child and I believe with all my heart that without the information I was given and passed along to others, this baby would be at an even greater risk because no one would be looking out for him.
I still can’t be sure about what will happen, but one thing I do know is that God’s hands are in this. I don’t always understand His ways but I trust His character. I trust His heart. And I want whatever it is that He has for me. And I don’t know how people who don’t have a relationship with Jesus make it through difficult times. I don’t know what they hold on to. Because I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I have no fear and no worry and that my heart doesn’t break every second that baby Mathew is away from me. My arms ache almost as much as my heart does.
But I’m telling you that I am filled with peace. Scripture after scripture comes to mind when i pray and I know that God is right here with me. I feel His grace covering me with every step…with every breath. And I know that His heart is aching right along with mine. I trust Him with my life. I trust Him with my heart. His love truly does endure forever. My ways are not His ways and believe me, friend, His ways are ALWAYS better. Why do we work so hard to hang on to our misery? It sucks the life out of us when we worry and are anxious and we fight to keep whatever it is that has that hold on us. God can do so much more with us, in us and through us when our hearts are free from worry and fear. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I have no idea if I’ll ever even meet baby Mathew. And I am okay with that. I’m okay with not knowing (not the same as liking it…). Because at the end of the day I have absolutely no control over it.
In the midst of all the craziness in my life right now, I am free. Christ died and set me free.
“Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
Amazing Love, now flowing down
from hands and feet
that were nailed to the tree
He Grace flows down and covers me
tags: Adoption, Anxiety, God's Grace 3 comments
Happy Mother’s Day
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: May 11, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you are mothers. And happy Mother’s Day to all of you who will one day be mothers. And Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who long to be mothers. I hope your wait is a short one.
What a fabulous day. The weather was great, the food was good and we had both our parents over for lunch. We spent a lot of time outside playing with the kids this afternoon and they had a blast. I’m trying to really enjoy these breezy, beautiful days because I know the scorching heat of summer is just around the corner.
Through all of the fun and beauty in this day, I could not help but think of the child who is not yet mine; who may never be mine. Tomorrow birthmom is 35 weeks along. The day she gave birth to Gracey. I know that in normal cases, the longer baby stays with birthmom, the better, but in this case that just may not be true. I pray for baby. Baby “Mathew” as Carter calls him/her. After reading the story of Abraham and Sarah and how they prayed for a baby for so long, Carter decided that “our baby” was going to be named Mathew. Anyway, I pray for “Mathew” several times a day and thoughts of him/her rarely leave my mind and never leave my heart.
You know, I said that I wouldn’t be devestated if we didn’t end up with this child. I no longer believe that is true. I ache to hold a tiny baby against my chest and smell the softness of its head, the sweetness of its breath. I long to feel that heart beat against mine. I want to bring Carter and Gracey’s baby brother or sister home. I’m standing in faith and believing it will happen and at the same time asking God to forgive my unbelief. This has always been a difficult place for me to be, spiritually. God calls us to stand in faith and to believe Him. It’s not the believing part I have trouble with – it’s the knowing whether or not I’ve heard Him clearly or just imagined what I wanted to hear.
Your will, Lord. Nothing less. Nothing more. Nothing else.
tags: Anxiety, God's Grace, Mathew, Waiting/Preparing 1 comment
So Long, Friend
Posted: April 20, 2008 at 12:47 am
Today we buried my 19 year old cousin, Logan. He touched many hearts with his gentle smile and we were honored to have him in our family. 19 years is too short; it’s not a long enough time to spend with your child. Many people look at a funeral as a way to say goodbye. I’m glad that for us, it isn’t goodbye but see you later. We may not get to hug his neck again on this side of heaven, but we will be reunited one day.
I like to imagine that my maw-maw and uncle “burbie” were there waiting to greet him at the doors of heaven. Arms open wide, welcoming him into glory and taking him to sit at the feet of Jesus.
Although his body didn’t function the same way yours and mine does here on earth, tonight he is running on streets of gold. Laughing and singing “This Little Light of Mine”.
So shine on, Logan.
We’ll see you on the other side.
tags: God's Grace 5 comments
Blubbering Idiot
Posted: October 3, 2007 at 12:01 am
Yep. That was me today. The school called about a half hour before I was to pick the kids up and let me know that Carter had another accident. She was calling because the teacher told her I wanted to be called…..but that was only if they thought he did it intentionally. Which, in this case, he didn’t. Not really, anyway. I’ve been a little emotional all afternoon but this just really capped it all off. I LOVE the lady I talk to all the time at the school, I think she is the secretary or something…I don’t know but I just love her and she adores Carter.
Phone rings. My heart drops when I see the number because I know it is the school. here is the conversation:
Me: hello
School: Hi, this is so and so from the school….
Me: CRAP! What do you want? (laughing, because I know her and she laughs too)
School: laughing, well, Carter had another accident today
Me: Was it on purpose?
School: Well, I don’t think so. Immediately afterwards he went and told the teacher so I’m thinking it wasn’t. He was on the playground.
Me: Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I was mainly wanting to be called if he did it on purpose.
School: The teacher said she had everyone go to the potty right before they went outside, but Carter refused to go.
Me: Wait. He REFUSED to go? Was that really an option? I mean, he’s 3.
School: Yeah, I hear you. I was wondering about that too.
Me: I’ve talked with the teacher about his before….he’ll always say no if you ask him but she has to make him go or he’ll have an accident. I don’t know what to do or how to explain this to her without stepping on her toes…..she must exercise her authority as the teacher and make sure he goes to the potty. It can not be optional with him.
School: I can take care of that, don’t worry. You’re right, he can’t just be given the option. He is not the only one that way and he needs supervision while he’s in there, too.
Me: Yes, I agree.
School: I’ll change him and we’ll see you in a bit.
Me: Okay, thanks.
I hang up the phone and I cry. I’m just so sick and freakin’ tired of hearing all the bad things (that are really relatively minor on their own, they just add up) he does. I can’t remember ever being told about something good he’s done at school and I’m just afraid that all the teachers see is the bad or frustrating things.
Carter has a lot of energy and I have no doubt that he gives his teachers a run for their money. But I need to know that his teachers adore him. If they don’t, they need to pretend. I have been very objective up until now and have listened openly and offered suggestions and reinforced at home….. I’ve done everything I can think of. Now I’m just sick of it. I hate taking him to school in the morning and I spend the day dreading the sound of my phone ringing. I get nervous about picking him up because I’m afraid of what they’ll have to say.
I think if I could just hear one thing good a long with the bad, then it would be better. Just reassure me that you are aware that Carter also has good behavior and is really sweet. I mean, do you not get that you are talking about MY BABY? Hell, I know he can be dififcult, I do live with him, after all. But I also know that while he can be a challenge, he also responds well to authority and praise. And he is really a very sweet kid. He’s just a little enthusiastic about life…. 
I have to say that his teacher is really nice. I am sure that she is doing everything she can and is frustrated a bit as well. I just need to know that she is able to see more than just the negative behavior. I also need to be confident that she knows how to be in charge of my son and not let him just do what he wants.
So, about the blubbering. I went in a little early to pick them up and stopped in the office. I really though I had it together but I walked in and immediately started crying. I’m sure I looked like a lunatic. We had a nice talk and they did tell me that the teacher had said up until that point he had a super day. The teacher told them before the accident she was all ready to tell me what a wonderful day he had. I was glad to hear that they told her “mommy still needs to hear that”. So I think they at least get it. They were very nice and supportive. I reiterated that I’m not complaining about the teacher that I think she’s nice, I just need to know that she is able to see the good and the bad, not just the bad.
Did I mention that I kept crying like a blubbering idiot? What an idiot. I really don’t know what came over me. I guess between Sunday School and preschool I’ve just about had it.
Okay, so as long as I’m complaining, let me add the Sunday School bit to it. First off, 3 is way too young to sit in a “children’s church” environment. PER EEE UUUDD You simply can not expect most 3 year olds to be able to sit still and quiet and just listen to a story in an auditorium like setting for more than a few minutes. Second, when Daddyo picked Carter up from Sunday School this past Sunday, they told him that Carter “poured his water out” TWICE. Okay, the first time he pours his water out, shame on Carter. The SECOND time he does it, shame on the teacher for freakin’ giving it back to him. They asked daddyo to bring a sippy cup for him next week. Sorry. Not going to happen. If Carter pours his water out then he just doesn’t need to have it. He’ll get it after having to go without once or twice.
And the Sunday before that when we were there, I left feeling like I just never wanted to go back. And I’m pretty heavily involved in our church. I can only imagine how the parents who might not be very involved felt if they got the same little speech I got. (I heard the same speech being given to another couple as I was leaving) Basically, it all boils down to children’s ministries needing more volunteers but the way it was brought up was just plain rude.
I LOVE my church. I know all churches have issues. I really enjoy the people at my church and what I feel is happening there. I just had a bad day. And I felt bad for the other parents who came after me who I hadn’t seen before. If they were new or visiting, I can promise you they will not be back. And I don’t blame them. Why is it that when adults behave poorly at church it hurts so much more than in other places? I guess the expectations are just higher.
So anyway, the really ironic part of that Sunday was I was listening to a grown up complaining about Carter’s behavior and exhibiting her own bad behavior as she did so. I really wanted to point that out, but it wouldn’t have been in Carter’s best interest. Not long ago, I listened to several moms answer the following question:
“When did you first really feel like a mom?” The answers varied from sleepless nights to vomit to poop. I really couldn’t think of an answer. I guess I “felt” like a mom long before I actually became one, because we prayed for so long and waited for so long. Now I know the answer. I know I am REALLY a mom because I am able to control my tongue in the best interest of my child. When I want to rip someone a new one, I am actually able to refrain from doing so because I know it will only count against Carter eventually. You see, all the rules about behaving nicely at church don’t apply to me – I’d really like to rip someone a new one. How’s that for irony?
I’m so thankful that I serve a God who offers me unconditional Grace. I pray He helps me offer that to others as well.
tags: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!, Carter, God's Grace 5 comments
The Hardest Thing
Posted: March 25, 2006 at 9:24 pm
The hardest thing for me to do is to pray for Carter and Gracey’s bio parents. I pray that God protects Carter and Gracey’s future; that He brings people into their lives to teach them about His love; that He guards their hearts and minds; and that He keeps them with us forever. In the same breath, I try to pray for bio mom and bio dad.
It is so hard to be sincere when I ask God to bless them. When I ask God to help them turn their lives around. Half the time, I end up praying that God would give me a sincere heart and help me to really mean it when I ask Him to help them. But what does it mean to be a Christian? Am I able to live what I believe, even when it scares me to death? Even when it could mean that my heart gets crushed?
God’s grace is available to everyone. Aren’t we called to pray for unbelievers? Should bio mom and bio dad be excluded from that so that I can get what I want? I don’t think that’s what Jesus had in mind. But I gotta tell you, it’s hard. It’s hard to ask God to help them turn their lives around because if they turn their lives around, mine could be turned upside down. It’s hard to pray that they learn of God’s love and begin to believe in His saving power. If they start believing, then they might start making better choices, living better and become capable of taking care of Carter and Gracey.
And that scares me to death. But still I pray because it’s the only thing I know to do. Because it’s what I believe and I can’t keep talking about what I believe if I’m not willing to live it. God knows my heart. He knows how much we want to keep Carter and Gracey. But He also knows that we want what is best for them. We want His will for Carter and Gracey, even if that means they don’t become our forever children. We’ve prayed for His will for us throughout this process and now we have to trust God with our hearts – our Carter and our Gracey – and pray for His will for their lives as well.
I wondered before we got kids how having them would affect my relationship with God. It has taught me a lot about God’s love for me, but it has also taught me how much harder it can be to really trust God when you have kids. I mean, it’s one thing for me to believe God for my own life…..but can I trust Him with my kids? 
I can. I will. I have to.
Afterall, Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you [Carter and Gracey],’ says the Lord. ‘They are for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’”
Your will, Lord. Not mine. No matter what.