Tough to Love
Tags: Adoption
Posted: June 28, 2008 at 1:15 am
When I saw the birthparents after court the other day, I gave them some photos of Carter and Gracey meeting Mathew for the first time. I also gave them some photos of just Carter and Gracey. They were excited to see them but never said thank you or even asked how any of them were doing. Several people have commented that they were surprised I would give them photos.
Why not?
Although I sometimes find myself getting angry and wanting to be mean when i think of the things I know they put my children through, I have to constantly remind myself that it is not my job to punish them. Just as Christ forgave me, it is my job to forgive them. And to love them. And despite the choices they have made, I know they are hurting deeply. I can’t imagine the emptiness their lifestyle fills them with or the ache that is left over after a high. My heart goes out to them.
It’s easy to believe that we are better than that and nothing like that could ever happen to us. We would never make those choices. But how do any of us really know how close we may have come? We may have been one friend away from a life of bad choices. We may have been one drink away from an addiction that would consume us. There is no way we can be sure how close we may have come.
It is not my place to stand in judgement of the birthparents or of anyone else. In fact, I am grateful to them. It’s a twisted kind of emotion that causes me to be grateful for the terrible choices they have made that brought my children home to me.
I’m not always good at living out God’s mercy and grace – most of the time I’d say I fail miserably. But I have prayed from the beginning that God would soften my heart toward them and I believe it has made all the difference. I need to pray that same prayer about a few more people in my life. (go on, I know you want to shout ‘Amen’) ha ha ha
Love is a funny thing. The people who are most difficult to love are usually the ones who need it the most.
tags: Adoption, Birth Parents, Love for us 1 comment
Carboard Testimony
Posted: June 23, 2008 at 8:37 pm
We often see people on the side of the road, beggin for money and holding a cardboard sign that tells their story in just one phrase. If you were asked to stand on the side of the road and display your cardboard testimony, what would it say?
Watch a very moving clip of a church that did just that. It’s long, but worth the time it will take you to watch.
tags: Love for us 2 comments
Trust in the Lord….
Posted: May 31, 2008 at 4:48 am
Jeremiah 29:11 is not a verse that I see regularly. Not like John 3:16 or John 14:6. It’s not one that is typically found on bookmarks, bumper stickers and t-shirts. So when I run across it, I like to think of it as God’s way of just reminding me He’s still with me.
As I am pulling up to a red light yesterday, I move a little closer to the SUV in front of me so I can read what is on the back. I’m not sure if it was a sticker or actually painted onto the vehicle itself. It was our verse. My heart smiled immediately. Of all the cars on that road, of all the trucks turning left, my van was right behind this one? Not a chance. So maybe that voice in the back of my head starts talking too loud and drowning out all the belief from earlier in the day. And then I get a phone call from a friend in another state, telling me that she has been thinking of me a lot this past week. “Three times in the past few days,” she says, “Jeremiah 29:11 has popped up in random places.”
See, I believe God speaks to us every day but we often miss it because we just aren’t listening. Carter has this uncanny way of just tuning me out completely when he’s watching TV or doing something else that requires his attention. It’s annoying when he doesn’t respond to me, but he not only misses the things he doesn’t want to hear but he also misses things he does want to hear. Like, “Carter, do you want ice cream?” 
That’s when I know he has just really tuned me out.
We do that with God a lot. We just completely tune Him out because someone or something else has all of our attention. Every once in a while Carter will get in trouble for not following directions and he’ll complain that he didn’t hear me. My response is always the same, “you should train your ears to always hear mommy’s voice.” (this only applies to those times when he tunes me out) As Christians, we should train our hearts to always hear His voice.
No, I don’t believe in coincidence.
My body snatching friend shared an experience with me which reminded her of “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” That was this morning. This afternoon I swam with the kids and was retelling the events of the day to daddy. As the words came out of my mouth, His words poured from my heart.
“I kept telling Carter he would be okay, to go on and swim to the side and I’d be there if he needed me. I told him I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He knows how much I love him and how I care for him every day, yet he was still afraid he wouldn’t be able to come up from the water….”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
How often does God wonder why it is so hard for me to just trust Him and swim.
tags: Love for us 1 comment
Because He first loved me
Tags: Adoption, Foster Care
Posted: May 21, 2008 at 4:42 am
As I was driving home from Bunco tonight (Darn Nicole for winning in THREE categories!) I was thinking about baby Mathew. Wondering what in the world is going on with the bio parents and when this sweet miracle child will arrive. Not really worrying, just wondering and waiting and longing. As I came up on an overpass, I looked up and saw the moon in all its glory – yellowish orange, full and HUGE. Just as I looked up to see that, the music started as if on que and this is what filled my heart:
When I survey the wondrous cross…On which the Prince of Glory died, My richest gain I count but loss And pour contempt on all my pride. See from his head, his hands, his feet…Sorrow and love flow mingled down. Did ever such love and sorrow meet Or thorns compose so rich a crown? O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross… Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live. O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross…All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name. Were the whole realm of nature mine…That were an offering far too small. Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all.
As much as I may be longing for this child, My God is longing even more for me. As much as I may want this child, My God is wanting even more of me. Nothing can I gain – not even a child – means more than the cross. It was a few minutes of peace as i drove in silence pouring out my heart to a God who wants me more than I could ever imagine. I long to hold this baby close to my heart and let him rest his head on my chest. God longs for the same from me. He longs for the same from all of us. I have never met this child and may never even get the opportunity to feel his breath on my cheek, but I love him. What does that say of the love God has for us, His children? How much more, how much greater is His love for us?
Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Because He first loved me.
For a different perspective on a full moon, read what daddyo showed my sister a few years ago… (and seriously, if you haven’t read about that, you really, really should.)
Carter Prays
Posted: February 8, 2008 at 4:42 am
Yesterday, we Gracey and I dropped off our adoption/foster care application while Carter was in school. When we were eating lunch (Carter and I), we had this conversation:
Me: guess what Gracey and I did today while you were in school?
Carter: WHAT?
Me: We took our papers to the adoption agency and turned them in so they would know that we want to adopt another baby.
Carter: Smiles
Me: Remember how mommy told you that we were thinking about adopting another baby?
Carter: yes
Me: Well, all we have to do now is pray and ask God to bring us a baby
Carter: Let’s pray right now
Me: Okay, do you want to pray or do you want me to?
Carter: I want to pray.
Me: Okay, go ahead
Carter: Dear God, please bring us a new baby. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.
Me: That was sweet, Carter. God always hears our prayers and now we just have to wait and see what happens. Sometimes God answers yes and sometimes He answers no.
Carter: He always hears us?
Me: Yes
Carter: Maybe He’ll bring us some yogurt, too.
This morning, on the way to play therapy as we are listening to the music from “Praise Baby”:
Carter: Mommy, do you like to be worshipped?
Me: Um….no. I like to worship God – He is the only one who should be worshipped.
Carter: I like to be worshipped.
Me: You do, huh?
Carter: Yes, I really do.
Me: How can mommy worship you?
Carter: By singing to me
Me: I can sing to you anytime, but I only worship God. God likes for us to worship Him. It’s hard to understand – I’ll have to think of a better way to explain it.
Carter: We worship when we sing.
Me: That’s right. Jesus loves to hear us sing to Him and He is always listening to us.
Carter: He really loves us.
Me: Yes, He does. Do you know how much Jesus loves you?
Carter: How much?
Me: A very long time ago, He lived on earth and looked like a man. He died for us, so that one day we can live in Heaven with God. And do you know what happend three days after He died?
Carter: He came alive again!
Me: That’s right! And now He lives in heaven with God.
Carter: And in our hearts.
Me: Yes, He lives in everyone’s heart when they ask Him to.
Carter: He lives in everyone’s heart.
Me: Well, He wants to. But we have to ask Him to live in our heart and when we do, He moves in and He stays forever.
Carter: Jesus, please come and live in my heart. Amen.
tags: Carter, Love for us 4 comments
Finally, a real post
Posted: January 7, 2008 at 4:45 am
I know it’s been a while since I’ve really written…
It’s just that lately it’s been hard to process what’s in my head and my heart has been heavy. Being a parent is so much different than I ever imagined it to be. It hurts a lot more than I thought it would and it also brings me immeasurable joy. We waited so long to be parents and now that we’re here sometimes it just feels so overwhelming.
If you are a parent, you know what I mean. You know what it means to love a child so much it hurts. You know what it means to watch your heart run around outside of your body. You know what it means to be emotionall exhausted and exhilirated at the same time.
Almost two years ago, our world turned right side up when we brought Carter and Gracey into our home and into our hearts. I still remember it like it was yesterday. We were so full of hope that they would become our forever family, and in my heart I knew they would. There were days in the beginning that I thought I just couldn’t do it – someone had made a mistake because I couldn’t go one more day with a 2 year old bouncing off the wall and a newborn baby. And then I’d get some much needed sleep and I’d wake up ready to take on the world for those kids.
I’m remembering that now because I’m waiting to wake up again. It’s not that I don’t think I can do it – I know I can. I’m just feeling rather defeated these days. Graceyotional. (and I really hate that) On the verge of tears. (and I really, really hate that) You have this picture of what parenting will be like and no matter how much you think you are prepared, you’re just not. I can handle the everyday stuff…the getting sick…the loss of freedom…the poopy diapers and chocolate syrup in the rug. I knew it would be that way. What I didn’t know, is how often my heart would shatter.
When we took Carter out of school, we made the right decision for him. I hope that we are making another right decision by enrolling him in this new school. He starts tomorrow and I’m very anxious and trying to work it out of my system before morning so he doesn’t pick up on it. He’s having trouble in church, also, and that is really getting to me. Daddyo went to the children’s service with him this morning and he did pretty well with daddy right there keeping him on track.
Last Sunday, I had a very unpleasant conversation with a staff member regarding Carter’s behavior. It wasn’t ugly or rude or anything like that, it’s just that what she had to say was, in my opinion, incredibly inappropriate and misguided. I don’t expect people at church to be perfect, not even the staff, but I do expect compassion from someone in her position and definitely didn’t get that. We love our church family (but every family has a black sheep or two, right?) and I was touched when I received not one, but two phone calls from other staff members following up with helpful suggestions and possible solutions rather than just complaints.
Here’s what I think is the hardest part for me. Carter is not agressive. He doesn’t bite or hit or kick. He doesn’t blatantly disregard instructions. He’s not oppositional. He has a very hard time sitting and focusing for more than a few minutes at a time in a group setting. His constant movement and talking is disruptive in a group setting. I honestly don’t know that he is capable of doing some of what we’re asking him to do. (paying attention and sitting quietly during story time, etc…) I’m not sure if it is an emotional/social immaturity or the first signs of ADHD or something else along those lines. All I really know is that I love my baby boy and I want him to be able to behave appropriately for his age.
And then I have to ask myself what the real issue is that I’m having. Am I making this about me? Can I move past my dream of having everything be just hunky-dory? Unless you’ve been there, you have absolutely know idea how difficult it is to constantly hear about your child’s behavior issues. To constantly be asked for answers you don’t have. And it sucks when people say, “Carter is …………” rather than “Carter’s behavior is ……….”. I never used to understand why the wording mattered so much but I totally get it now. When it’s your child, you want to make sure there is a difference between the child and the child’s behavior.
Carter is so much fun to be around. He never stops smiling and laughing and has the kind of smile that reaches his eyes. His love for life is contagious. It’s hard to not keep him with me all the time where I know he can be protected and loved. But I know that is not the answer. He’s going to have to find his own way and our job is to help him.
Say a prayer for him and his teacher today. And pray that God will give us wisdom and discernment. And a little more self-control on my part because if I have another conversation with that person I’m afraid of what may come out of my mouth.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Mathew 11:28-30
tags: Carter, Love for us 3 comments
Good gifts
Posted: December 20, 2007 at 12:59 am
Guess I haven’t been very diligent about updating lately. Life has been busy.
The quick update is that Carter will start his new school in January and I think his new teacher is going to be wonderful. He got to meet her today and when we left I said, “she sure seems nice.” His response was, “super-duper”.
The closer Christmas gets the more excited I get. It’s funny how perspectives change after you have kids – I’m no longer excited about the gifts under the tree, at least not my gifts. I CAN NOT WAIT to see Carter’s face when he sees what Santa brings him. And the other gifts, too. I know Gracey will be ecstatic when she sees her “princess dress and jewelry” – I just can’t wait to see their faces.
Back in 2005, Christmas, we were disappointed that we weren’t celebrating with little ones. We knew it would happen within the year, but we were so hoping for a family by Christmas. I can only imagine that God was sitting in heaven, waiting eagerly for February to arrive because He knew that’s when our little gifts would arrive. I know He must have anticipated the looks on our faces and the smiles in our hearts when our dreams became reality. God wants good things for us. He has good things for us. We just have to wait on Him and trust His perfect timing.
tags: Love for us 2 comments
Prayer
Posted: December 8, 2007 at 6:43 pm
How badly do you want your child to talk to you about his/her day at school? Every time I pick Carter up from school or Granny’s or wherever, I try everything I can to get him to tell me about his day. Asking direct questions doesn’t work – I have to let him talk at his own pace and sometimes that means I don’t hear from him on the subject.
It’s funny, because most of the time i know what he did while I was gone. He played with the water hose at Grammy’s, or the rocks at Granny’s or he saw Santa at school. I know the jist and sometimes even the details of what his day was like. But I still want him to tell me. Even if I know he had a blast and loved every minute of it, I want to hear it from him. I want to hear the way he describes and watch his face as he does so.
Just like God wants to hear from me about the details of my life. He wants to see my face and hear the way I describe what is happening. He longs for me to just talk to Him. Even though he already knows every detail.
This just occurred to me yesterday and I don’t think my prayer life will ever be the same again. Just as I wait for Carter to talk to me, God waits for me to talk to Him.
tags: Love for us, prayer 2 comments
Poo-Poo in da pa-teeee!
Posted: June 23, 2007 at 2:35 am
YES! We have poo poo in the potty again today!
Today was a pretty good day but I was exhausted by the time daddyO got home. It was bath time so I got the kids in and then asked if he would take over bathtime and bedtime while I took a hot bath. DaddyO is wonderful about helping out around the house and especially with the kids. He does a great job. But usually I’d feel guilty about leaving him with bath AND bedtime duty all alone. He gave me a very reluctant “yea, babe” so I thanked him and walked out. I stepped back in for something and he said, “where are you going?” DUH! You said you didn’t mind taking care of the kids so I could go and relax! I guess he didn’t think I’d take him up on it.
I’ve learned that every once in a while it’s okay to let him do it all for an evening. Just that extra 45 minutes gave me a nice breather and I was even done in time to take care of Carter’s bedtime routine. And I was able to enjoy it. It’s not that I ever thought him incapable, it’s just that I’d feel guilty about having him do it when he’d been working all day. But heck, I work all day, too!
Did I mention we had poop IN THE POTTY today? And daddyO wasn’t even here.
Carter was rather michevious today and got in trouble on a regular basis. Towards the end of the day after I had just fussed at him about something or other he said, “you love me when I have baaaaaaad behavior. you love me no matter what.” That’s right kid, I love you no matter what. For always.
If you don’t have the children’s book, “No matter what”, I highly recommend it. It’s a great tool in teaching preschoolers about unconditional love. Carter is obviously getting the message.
tags: Carter, Love for us, Parenting, Potty Training 1 comment
A Whisper in My Heart
Posted: April 25, 2007 at 3:55 am
It’s getting late and I’m in one of those moods so it looks like tonight may be a post-a-thon!
You must be getting tired of hearing me write about how much God is teaching me through my kids but it just never gets old – there is a new lesson every day. I think I struggled to understand God’s love for me a lot when I was growing up and even as an adult. I didn’t have a father actively participating in my life and demonstronating unconditional love for me and that often left me feeling unworthy of that love. Although my mom was incredible, I believe there is something special about a dad’s love that God uses to show us His love. I don’t know.
Anyway, since having Gracey and Carter I hear God’s whisper in my heart almost daily, “see, that’s how I love you…that much and more…” Daddy and Carter went out for a bit this afternoon and I was hanging out with Gracey. I just enjoyed spending some one on one time with her, even though we weren’t doing anything special. I tried to get her to talk and when she would repeat a new word I was so happy and we’d both just giggle. And I thought how much I love just being with her (Carter, too) and how much I love when she just crawls over and gives me random hugs and wants to love on me a bit. And it’s like God was saying, “I like that, too.” I know He gets as much pleasure when we just spend time with Him, one on one, even if we aren’t doing anything special. I know He is thrilled when we just “love on Him” for a while for no special reason. And when He sees us learning something new I know He is just as thrilled as I am when I watch Gracey.
There is a yearning in my heart to just be with my kids – not out of a need but out of a deep love. I believe God has that same yearning to be with us.
I learn something new every day. Look at your kids and spend a minute thinking about how much you adore them. Now multiply that times a gillion. That’s how much God loves you.